I don't need to tell you about all the charitable work I do. That's what my publicist is for. But I do do it. And I realize I just said "do do". Point is, I'm a great guy. Even though I don't give to charity anymore. But it's not my fault. You see, our stagnant economy has taken its toll on all charitable giving. Donations to the top 400 charities are down this year. Even my charity, the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation, has had to cut back on our important work of figuring out what we were raising money for. We were this close to a cause.
Fortunately, one organization out there is using the free market to create proper incentives for doing the right thing. And it brings us to tonight's Wørd: Philantrophy.
Folks, nothing tugs at the heartstrings more than animal charities. Although, I for one don't know why Sarah McLaughlin has imprisoned all of those dogs and cats. Let them go, you monster!!
And I believe it is especially important to protect our dwindling endangered species. (Moderate Republicans?) (audience laughter) Especially, folks, especially the black rhino. (Michael Steele?)
You see, there are only about 5,000 of these majestic creatures left in the world, down 96% since the mid-70s. (Wiped Out By Disco Fever)
Now, one of the reasons they've been dying out is poachers are killing them and harvesting their parts for traditional medicine. For instance, in China, it's believed powdered black rhino horn "can cure a wide array of ailments, from snakebites to devil possession."
Wow, those Chinese have some crazy beliefs! Everybody knows the way to cure devil possession is with holy water. (Also The Cinnamon Challenge)
Now, luckily folks, one group has stepped forward with a bold conservation plan. The Dallas Safari Club has announced they will save the endangered black rhino by auctioning off the chance to shoot one. (shocked audience reaction) It's like the old saying, if you love something, set it free. Then, when it has a bit of a head start, open fire. (If It Comes Back To You, Run!) (audience laughter)
And, folks, the Safari Club's spokesman, Gayne Young, is approaching the sensitive subject of sacrificing an endangered species for the greater good with all the gravity you could hope for.
GAYNE YOUNG: The Dallas Safari Club will be auctioning off a black rhino hunt in Namibia at this year's convention. ... I'm just super-stoked about this. ... It's worth it, folks. The money goes to something incredible, the trophy is just astronomical. I cannot imagine having a black rhino. ... I cannot even begin to tell you how rare this is.
Best of all, the more you shoot, the rarer it gets. (audience laughter)
Now, the Safari Club is auctioning off a special rhino hunting permit from the Namibian government, expected to rake in three quarters of a million dollars, all of which goes directly to Namibia's Black Rhino Conservation Trust. (Minus "Conservation" Or "Trust" Or "Rhinos")
And folks, the rhinos, if any of you were worried, the rhinos will never even notice. As Dallas Safari Club executive director Ben Carter said:
BEN CARTER (10/22/2013): Black rhinos tend to have a fairly high mortality rate. Generally speaking, out of a population of 2,000, harvesting three rhinos over a couple or three years has no impact on the health of the rhino herd at all.
Yes. There isn't much impact if you kill one rhino or three rhinos. Or how about this? We shoot all 5,000 remaining rhinos. That'll bring in $3.7 billion dollars. And we can use that cash to keep one last rhino safely confined. (In Case We Want To Shoot Him) (nervous audience laughter)
Folks, I believe this is the only practical way to save the species. Because as Dallas Safari Club director Ben Carter further said:
BEN CARTER (10/22/2013): People are talking about "Why don't you do a photo safari?" or whatever. Well, that's great, but people don't pay for that.
He's right, no one will pay for a photo. That's not a trophy. How are you going to hang a photo on your wall? (On A Rhino Horn?) But, think about it. If we really want to raise some cash, you know what people do pay for? (Meth?) They pay for sex. To save this endangered animal, the Dallas Safari Club should auction off a night with a rhino. (Plot Of "Hangover 4") (audience laughter)
Now, I'm not saying that someone should go fuck a black rhino. (audience laughter) That's sick! I'm saying they should make love to it. (Once You Go Black Rhino...) (wild audience laughter and applause) That idea's very popular with the people! (audience cheers)
Now in the morning, you just leave $750,000 on the dresser. If you don't call the next day, she'll understand. (She's Thick-Skinned)
Nation, this Dallas rhino club idea can raise money for all sorts of important causes. I mean, who amongst us hasn't seen a homeless man begging on the street, and felt deep sadness that you could not hunt him for sport? (We Miss You, Mayor Giuliani!) (audience groaner)
I mean, think about this. New York City Opera just recently had to close for lack of funds. If only they'd have let us hunt the fat ladies. I mean, I happen to know their horns are an aphrodisiac in Norway. (Used During Fjord-Play) (audience groans and laughter)
But you know what non-profit organization could really use this kind of fundraising technique? The Dallas Safari Club. I say we just auction off a chance to hunt one member. I mean, they'll understand. I mean, also, it's such a beautiful pelt.
You know what? I might make a vest out of it. (Philantrophy) And that's the Wørd. We'll be right back.
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