I lost a close friend to Suicide on Tuesday April 2nd 2013. He lost himself in a bottle, depression, and a host of other reasons and did not have the ability to ask for help. Hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back the signs were there. I even asked him if he needed an ear to bend and told him that I would be there for him under any circumstances, no judgement, no advice, no bullshit. It wasn't enough.
The wreckage he left behind is extensive. He left behind a wife and four kids. Two of those kids are grown. The ones in the house are 14 and 12. He left behind a mother and father and grandmother. He left behind his twin brother and a sister. He left a large extended family behind. He left a small town's worth of friends behind. I am merely another face in the crowd.
I went to a church to see him off and support his family. Its been 9 years since I've been in a church. The church itself was filled. Standing room only and still a line out to the sidewalk waiting to get in. He didn't believe that people would care. He could not see the range of his influence. The people who came into contact with him went away better just by him being there. He could not begin to understand the damage he would do. I sincerely hope that if he could have seen it, not imagined it, but actually seen the devastation he may have hesitated.
He needed professional help. He was too proud or arrogant or depressed or something. His planning and execution of this act was complete. He left many notes to family members. He was so dedicated to this course of action that even if I could have talked to him prior to the event, and I did the night before, he would have fooled me and carried out his intent. Hell he had me fooled that night as we walked out of an arena with our kids in tow after a hockey practice. "See you Thursday dude." Still echos in my head.
The darkness got into him and would not let go. It finally won the war in his head some time at the end of March and the surrender was April second. I accept the fact that he is gone. I accept the fact that there was no longer anything I could have done to help him in his personal war. I cannot be angry with him anymore. I hurt for his family, his friends, and myself. I lost one of my best friends and it hurts. I smile now when I think about him instead of wanting to punch him. Bittersweet. I finally really understand that word now.
See you on the other side dude. It will be a while. Hopefully forty years or so.