From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Monument to a Dirtbag
The media will be fixated tomorrow on the opening of the $250 million ("Just put it on someone's credit card, we'll pay for it later") George W. Bush Terrible President Library at Southern Methodist University. It's an imposing structure, and I can't imagine what the hell they've filled its 207,000 square-feet with. I have a few ideas, though, for what I'd put on display. This is just a partial list:
• The 'Mission Accomplished' banner and the codpiece he wore ten years ago when he declared that major combat operations had ended in Iraq even though they continued for the rest of his presidency.
• The chair in which he sat, frozen, at Booker Elementary School on 9/11 after he was told "America is under attack." Also his dog-eared copy of "The Pet Goat."
• A bag of pretzels, of course.
• On a continuous loop in the lobby: a recording of the push-poll question his campaign used to destroy John McCain in 2000…
"Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for John McCain for president if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child?"
...just to show visiting school kids what a classy guy Bush is.
• A piece of the birthday cake he shared with John McCain in Phoenix as the levees were busting open in New Orleans.
Fortress of Ineptitude.
• The golf club he swung immediately after vowing to "stop these terrorist killers."
• The 2005 "Can I go pee?" note he scribbled to Condi Rice at the United Nations.
• The Segway he fell off of in 2003.
• A credit card bill forwarded from the White House to "The People of the United States of America" with a balance of $10 trillion.
• The August 6, 2001 PDB: Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside US.
• Some aluminum tubes.
• The vial of baby powder Colin Powell used to scare us to death at the United Nations.
• The best of FEMA Director Michael Brown's Katrina emails, including "I am a fashion god" and "Can I quit now? Can I go home?"
• A photo collage of the U.S. soldiers who died during the Iraq war underneath a sign that says, "Oops!"
• The shoes that were thrown at him by a journalist during his last visit to Iraq.
• The shirt Bill Clinton was wearing in Haiti when Bush used it as a rag to wipe a commoner's cooties off his hand in 2010.
That's for starters, anyway. Since the above items would only fill a fraction of the space, what would you add to help preserve the essence of the 43rd president who left office with 22 percent approval? Oh, that reminds me: I'd also post a copy of his 22 percent approval poll
. Right above the front door.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [HehHehHeh...]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Note: Due to the sequester, today's note will be two hours late.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Mother's Day: 19
Days 'til Out! Raleigh 2013 in North Carolina: 10
Number of Americans who will be diagnosed with oral cancer this year: 42,000
Number of people--including students, journalists and lawyers--that Iran executed last year: 523
Number of journalists jailed/killed in 2012, respectively: 232/133
(Source: The State Department's Human Rights Report)
Percent of Nebraskans who supported gay marriage in 2009: 33%
Percent of Nebraskans who supported gay marriage in 2012: 45%
(Source: Omaha World-Herald poll)
Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 4 Wild Weathers and 1 extended pootie sloth embrace). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Emma greets Daddy
CHEERS to replacing Mr. Baucus with Mr. Raucous. Praise the lord---Senator Max Baucus is retiring next year. He was an infuriating "blue dog" type whose spine was made of silly putty. It'll be a hoot if this guy replaces him:
Strap on your bolo, Schweitzer…your country needs you.
CHEERS to #14. By a vote of 331-225, France's national Assembly voted to grant marriage rights to same-sex couples---the 14th country to make it official. Before the vote, police surrounded the building with water cannons. Y'know, here in America we usually just throw rice, but whatever. Mazel Tov.
P.S. Meanwhile, Rhode Island's Senate Judiciary Committee sent a marriage-equality bill to the full Senate, which will vote on it today. If it passes, it'll go to Governor Chafee's desk, making New England the first major region in America to be down with the gay-marrieds. And we don't need no stinkin' water cannons, so suck it, France.
JEERS to nervous nabobs of negativity. Yesterday someone hacked into the AP's twitter feed and posted an alarming message about President Obama, after which stocks briefly plunged because, when push comes to shove (or in this case a fake attack on the White House), this is what was going through investor's minds:
"Oh my god! This is terrible! I mean, I know we all give the Obama a lot of shit and say a bunch of stuff about him that isn’t true. And I know I pretend that Republicans aren't total assholes who obstruct everything he does just because they know if his policies are fully implemented the nation will prosper and Republicans will go the way of the dodo even faster than they already are. But I love the guy! He's been a terrific president! This is just horrible and… What's that? It was a hoax? Obama isn't going bye bye bye? Then BUY BUY BUY!!!"
You could set your diamond-encrusted watch by these guys.
CHEERS to easy layups. Today is Pig in a Blanket Day. Or, as it's also known: Rush Limbaugh's nappytime.
CHEERS to joining the fight. We're wrastlin' with some gun bills up here in the Maine legislature (with the feds diddling, gun-control progress will only be made at the state level, it seems), and the responsible side just got a nice shot in the arm (er, so to speak) from one of our most famous residents:
Maine author Stephen King and his wife have made what's being called a "substantial donation" to a statewide group advocating for stricter gun control laws.
The Coalition for a Safer Maine says King is a gun owner…who also supports expanded background checks on gun sales and a ban on the sale of high-capacity ammunition magazines.
While he was at it, King also came out in favor of airbags on all demonically-possessed Plymouth Furies.
CHEERS to putting out fires. Ever since the Supreme Court decided Bush v. Gore, acid reflux has been my constant burning companion. So I admit to being euphoric about the new device that's being called a bracelet for your throat:
"Bracelet for your
throat" treats GERD.
The Linx device, made by Torax Medical Inc. of St. Paul, Minn., is a ring of titanium beads with magnets inside. Doctors place it around the weak muscle at the base of the esophagus in a half-hour operation using a scope and “keyhole” incisions in the belly.
The ring reinforces the weak muscle to keep it closed, yet is flexible and expands to let food pass when someone swallows. The ring comes in multiple sizes; it is about a ½-inch in diameter and expands to about 1½ inches. People don't feel it once it is implanted.
Researchers say they put it through the most rigorous testing imaginable, and the results were remarkable. Patients were actually able to sit through 30 minutes of Fox News. A miracle, really.
Five years ago in C&J: April 24, 2008
JEERS to getting older. I started really loving movies in the late-70s, and a lot of that had to do with the reviews that came through my teevee every week by Roger Ebert and his late co-host Gene Siskel. Nothing else existed in the world when Sneak Previews aired. Ebert's been a real trooper lately, enduring multiple throat surgeries and now a broken hip that'll keep him away from his own film festival. I hope I have half his optimism and energy if I ever find myself in the same circumstances. Positive vibes for a speedy recovery.
P.S. Best opening sentence in a movie review so far in 2008: "Jason Segel's penis probably would not sell a lot of tickets all by itself." Really!
And just one more…
True Fact: All Hubble pics
are developed at Fotomat.
to our big eye in the sky. 23 years ago today, the Hubble space telescope was placed into orbit
by the crew of the Space Shuttle Discovery. When the first photos were revealed to we Earthlings, Democrats saw the wonder of an evolving universe and the hope of discovering intelligent life one day and harnessing our collective strengths for the good of the cosmos. Republicans saw potential oil fields and the hope of discovering millions of new suckers on which to foist reverse-mortgages and other toxic assets. Eh. Potato, Puhtahto.
Have a cosmic Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Adorable Bill in Portland Maine tries on 3D virtual reality goggles