Beyonce, however, is a bad influence.
Once-possible presidential contender Mike Huckabee was once purported to be a smart and savvy Republican who was adept at camouflaging his remarkably extremist stances. That was many moons ago, and the current maybe-possible presidential contender Mike Huckabee has found himself mired in a truly humiliating Dan Quayle-esque battle against the forces of, apparently, Beyonce, who he does not like because he considers her slutty
. Her music, her stage act, and so on.
Any sane person would advise Mr. Huckabee to stop right there, as any attempt to force America to choose between liking Beyonce and liking Mike Huckabee will end up being a very rough road for Mike Huckabee. Things got worse when not-news host Jon Stewart and many, many others pointed out Huckabee getting his groove on with Huckabee-approved musician Ted Nugent, specifically hosting Nugent and playing bass for Nugent's deeply creepy song bragging about his prowess with th' ladies during a lifetime of casual and promiscuous sex.
This brings us to our latest update, in which Mike Huckabee melts down as a human being and as a presidential candidate. According to Huckabee:
[W]hen Huckabee jammed with Nugent to the song about sexing ladies, Nugent changed the lyrics of his song so it was not about sexing ladies and therefore did not openly encourage parents to buy their slutty daughters stripper poles:
"First of all, Ted changed the lyrics pretty dramatically when he sang it on the stage that time. And secondly, I wasn’t sitting down with my teen-aged daughter, my daughter, who is, of course, an adult now and has her own children.
It has to do with the propriety of the context. Again, I’m not a prude."
We'll go to the Nugent slutometer for this one. Some of those lyrics, which do not seem to be all that "dramatically" changed to my ears. Head below the fold to read them and so much more.
Well, the first time that I got it I was just ten years old
I got it from some kitty next door [...]
Well, I make the pussy purr with the stroke of my hand
They know they gettin’ it from me
They know just where to go when they need their lovin’ man
They know I’m doin’ it for free
Well thank goodness he toned it down for the Fox News audience. Nothing to see here!
I'll tell you the single thing that I find eyebrow-raising about this entire Hucka-cluck. That when Mike Huckabee originally hosted Ted Nugent so that Mike Huckabee could play his guitar during Nugent's song about casual sex and apparent prepubescent statutory rape, the extremely old and frothingly conservative audience of Mike Huckabee supporters Didn't. Say. Squat. On any other channel—if it had been done on CNN, for example—the same audience would be out with torches and pitchforks, National Review would be writing multiple takes on the Horror that had taken place, and members of Congress would be standing up, teary eyed, at just what American children (Watching at their grandparents' house! Watching at airport terminals, while innocently waiting with their families for their planes to arrive!) had just been exposed to. There would be congressional hearings on the matter, and they'd be scheduled within the week.
But for all the talk of moral decay, and the ongoing sexification of Hollywood, and which entertainers should be found horrifying because they wear tight pants or sing about unwholesome things that Ward Cleaver would have never put up with, Mike Huckabee can help out with a song about ten year olds having the sex and the Mike Huckabee fan club clap their little hands with glee at their chosen champion against other people's improprieties. That says far, far more about the Fox News and Mike Huckabee audiences than I would ever, ever, ever have wanted to know, because nobody wants to consider that their Fox News-watching grandma and grandpa are secretly perverts who like imagining child rape. Even if they apparently are.
The rest of it, the Beyonce stuff, is just the usual preposterous drivel sprinkled over the conservative goldfish bowl in order to keep their rage alive for another dull day. Yes, yes, Obama is bad because his daughters like the music of a spectacularly popular musician who sometimes sings about naughty things. Now let's all forget our troubles with another song here on the Mike Huckabee and Pedophile Variety Hour.