From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
The GOP Candidates Unveil Their New Debate Format
Rush Limbaugh: Thank you for joining us for the fourth Republican debate. I'm Rush Limbaugh with my co-moderators Sean Hannity and Mark Levin. Mark, I see you have a spoon of chocolate pudding ready, so why don’t you ask the first question.
Mr. Levin: Thank you, Rush. Governor Huckabee, my question to you is: would you like some pudding? Would ya, huh huh? Brrrrrrroom Brrrrrrrroom…here comes the big pudding airplane into the big Huckabee hangar! Open wide…. Attaboy! Mikey eats the pudding!
Gov. Huckabee: Nom nom nom! Yummy pudding tasty! Jesus loved pudding and I love Jesus so I LOVE PUDDING! Impeach Obama!
"Jeb want pudding, too!"
[Audience standing ovation]
Mr. Limbaugh: Sean Hannity will ask the next question with the next spoonful of pudding.
Mr. Hannity: Thanks, Rush. This question is for Mr. Trump. Donald want some pudding? Creamy, dreamy pudding for big boy Donald, yes? Lookie here…Zoom Zoom!…the big Donald limousine is coming into the garage and…yummy pudding for the Donald!!
Mr. Trump: Nom nom nom! Pudding classy. Tickle tummy. Trump has decisive tummy. High-energy tummy. And a beautifully-constructed navel, if I may say.
[Audience standing ovation]
Mr. Limbaugh: And I'll direct the next question to Carly Fiorina. Ms. Fiorina, you want some yummy pudding? Mmmmmmm….your favorite. Open wide, here come pink slips for 30-thousand Hewlitt Packard workers into the employee mailbox…yay!
Ms. Fiorina: Squeee! Pudding is the bestest! But Planned Parenthood wants to sell off pudding parts for profit. Bad Planned Parenthood! Bad! Videos!
[Audience standing ovation]
Mr. Limbaugh: And with that we'll take a break. When we return the questions will become more difficult as we bring out...the gummi bears!!!
I hope they're up to the challenge.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, November 2, 2015
Note: Hey, Republicans! There's gonna be too many voters out tomorrow, so you'll be voting on Wednesday instead! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! That one never gets old.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Guy Fawkes Day/Bonfire Night: 3
Days 'til the Maine Harvest Festival
in Bangor: 12
Amount you'll be fined if you pronounce Bangor "Banger" instead of "BANG-gor
Amount paid to date by The Weather Channel in fines because of meteorologists who mispronounce Bangor: $8 million
Total number of people Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach is prosecuting
for voting improperly: 3
Percent of Americans who have read a book in the past year: 72%
Percent of those that were e-books: 27%
(Source: Pew Research)
2015 World Series Game 5
Kansas City Royals 7 New York Mets 2
The Royals win the championship 4 games to 1.
Puppy Pic of the Day: Tillman skateboards off into the sunset…
Tis the glopping season.
to November! Thirty days of madcap madness: Veterans' Day, Election Day, Guy Fawkes' Day, Dag van de Dynastie, Dia de la Revolucion Mexicana, the end of Daylight Saving Time (you turned your clocks and sundials back, right?), St. Andrew's Day, Buss und Bettag (50% off strudel all day), the moon is full on the 25th, Hillary, Bernie and Martin whither under Rachel Maddow's interrogation in South Carolina this Friday, open enrollment for Obamacare is underway for 2016, James Bond returns
(he's already shattering box office records in Britain) and The Hunger Games conclude
, both Howard Dean and Guru Nanak celebrate another birthday, and Congress under the speakership of Paul Ryan comes up with all-new excuses for not doing anything. Busy month! Pass the Red Bull---and then someone tell me where the hell August went.
CHEERS to taking to the airwaves. Now that November is here, the marketing gurus in the Bernie Sanders campaign are ratcheting up his visibility with a $2 million ad buy in Iowa and New Hampshire. Although his live remarks are starting to get---oh, let's say more pointed as he differentiates himself from Hillary Clinton, his decades-long streak of not running a negative ad still stands. Take a look:
Strong bio, huge crowds, ethnic diversity, a cameo from Martin Luther King Jr. Hey, if it's up to me, I approve this message.
JEERS to the
daddy crybaby party. Who knew the crazy alternate universe of Republican Land could get even crazier? First we hear that RNC chair Reince Priebus is breaking up with NBC News and Telemundo because last week's CNBC debate moderators asked questions. But at the same time, the Republican candidates are breaking up with the RNC because it scheduled the CNBC debate. And in breaking news, CNBC is breaking up with…well…they'll think of something!
And now, an opposing opinion.
to Obamacare: Year 3. The White House, HHS and my non-profit health insurance provider wasted no time in letting me know that yesterday was the start of the 2016 enrollment period for health insurance. As always you can get info or shop around at healthcare.gov
. (Here in Maine our premiums are expected to stay flat---hooray.) And Charles Gaba (aka Kossack Brainwrap) has posted his 8 most important pieces of advice
for 2016. Oh, and if you're thinking of blowing it off, keep in mind that there's a more severe penalty this year: 2.5 percent of your taxable income or one of your kidneys.
CHEERS and JEERS to moolah matters. I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Hey! Billy starts with a B, and Business starts with a B, so Billy must be an expert at business!" Ummm...no. So here's a quick roundup of business headlines we've collected over the last few days by them's who knows. As usual, there are some green shoots, some brown weeds, and plenty of champagne for Big Bidness:
Hot toy Starlily the Magic Unicorn
will magically make Mom and Dad's
money disappear this holiday.
> Consumer confidence inches up in October
> Chevron to cut 7,000 jobs
> U.S. wages rose at modest rate in 3rd quarter
> Pot businesses share wealth with charities
> Gas prices drop below $2 in 9 states
> Maine unemployment tax to fall 20 percent in 2016
> New SEC rules will allow anybody—not just the wealthy—to invest in startups
> U.S. economy slows to 1.5% in 3rd quarter
> Apple cuts $50 off Watch price when purchased with iPhone
> U.S. stocks lock in big gains in October
> Inflation still benign
> Greek banks need $15.8 billion to get back on track
> Jobless claims match 42-year low
Also: Americans are still terrible at using their vacation time
. I think I know why. You're all slackers.
CHEERS to Ol' Mullethead. Happy 220th birthday to James K. Polk, the only Speaker of the House to become president. Despite protests from some members of Congress, he "exaggerated" his way into a war with Mexico (something about the "smoking gun that could come in the form of an exploding burrito"). But he definitely walked the walk while he was in office. In the book Rating the Presidents, over 700 historians and political scientists rank Polk 11th-best:
Man with a plan...and apparently
an irrational fear of vampire bites.
Polk's outstanding success was no accident. He assiduously planned his moves and carried them through to fruition.
Former president Harry Truman summed it up in his own concise way in 1960. When asked what he thought about Polk, he replied, "A great president. He said exactly what he was going to do and he did it." Quite an achievement for a president of any era.
Yeah, but a few months after he left office he was dead at 53. Consider that a heads-up, workaholics.
P.S. Almost forgot that today is the 150th birthday of Warren Harding---one of the three worst presidents in history along with George W. Bush (Term 1) and George W. Bush (Term 2). One thing he shares with fellow Republican Dubya is his abuse of the English language, as when he said: "I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved." And then he'll put food on your family and wings will take dream.
Ten years ago in C&J: November 2, 2005
JEERS to the Clone War. Are you kidding me?? President Bush solidifies his place in history as "The Great Divider," picking Antonin Scalia's genetic twin---Samuel Alito---to replace kinda-sorta moderate Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. If you're not female, gay, black, a child, a helpless kitten or puppy, or believe in the radical notion of "innocent until proven guilty"...this is your dream date.
And just one more…
JEERS to four more years of torture. Eleven Years Ago today, 121,480,019 voters (give or take) went to the polls:
The dust had not yet settled on the most narrow election victory by an incumbent president in the history of the republic. Bush's edge was 2.5 percent, smaller even than Woodrow Wilson's pathetic 1916 victory margin of 3.2 percent. [It] really chapped my ass when Cheney claimed a "broad nationwide victory" and a "mandate" for Bush's "clear agenda."
---From Al Franken's The Truth (with Jokes)
Looking at the utter train wreck that was Bush's second term, the post-election conservagasm just seems downright silly...
"Bush now has a mandate."
"This time, of course, his claim of a popular mandate is incontrovertible."
"It is a mandate."
"He has, I would argue, a mandate now."
"Mr. Bush has been given the kind of mandate that few politicians are ever fortunate enough to receive."
---The Wall Street Journal
"In one sense, we think it an even larger and clearer mandate than those won in the landslide reelection campaigns of Nixon in 1972, Reagan in 1984, and Clinton in 1996."
For his part, Bush displayed his trademark modesty:
Let me put it to you this way: I earned capital in the campaign---political capital---and now I intend to spend it.
Turns out it was just political fistfuls of mud. From racing back from Texas to sign the "Let's Meddle in Terri Schiavo's Family Business" order (with a generous assist from his Florida governor brother) to not racing back during Katrina…from watching his Social Security-gutting scheme fail to watching Osama bin Laden elude him for another four years…from ignoring Afghanistan to ignoring the recession…from unfunded mandates to unfunded wars...his political capital bought him, and us, exactly one thing: disaster. I'd like my refund now, please. In lieu of cash, I'll accept one Jeb! campaign buried in a cement crypt six feet underground.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Brilliant Cheers and Jeers halo: Behold, kiddie pool bathed in ring of resplendent light
---Christian Science Monitor