There was a time, not so very long ago, when the permanently adolescent right-wing megaphone Ann Coulter was considered a significant 'thinker' in 'conservative' circles. She was on the speed-dial of every lazy talk-show host, undemanding journalist and credulous blogger in America.
She churned out books for the hard-of-thinking, including such 'provocative' titles as If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans and Demonic: How the Liberal Mob Is Endangering America, all the while supporting the party of weapons-grade stupidity, race-baiting and government shutdowns.
If nothing else, the books demonstrated Coulter's utter imperviousness to irony.
She spouted soundbites like:
'I think there should be a literacy test and a poll tax for people to vote'
...failing to grasp that a literacy test for voters would most likely wipe-out at least 50% of the GOP vote.
She demonstrated her abysmal judgment by having an affair with convicted felon and Alfred E. Neuman impersonator Dinesh D'Souza.
Y'know, this guy:
And, inevitably, Coulter supported racist killer George Zimmerman, tweeting 'Hallelujah!' when Zimmerman was acquitted. Classy.
But the average Fox News/GOP goober needs electric shocks to the frontal lobes to maintain interest and Coulter's battery ran down.
She was relegated to the 'charity/nostalgia' list, wheeled out now and again as a sort of 'hey...remember this wacky broad?' deal, the way Johnny Carson used to bring on tedious, unfunny old hacks like Shecky Greene and Buddy Hackett because he was sorry for them and they needed the dough.
Coulter continued to frantically spout 'controversial' gibberish in a desperate attempt to remain 'relevant' but the GOP Caravan of Putrescence had moved on and no one was interested.
And then, like a snake-oil fueled dream, The Donald descended from the firmament and walked amongst mortal men.
And if there's one thing a conservative grifter like Coulter recognizes, it's a slow-moving gravy-train. She jumped aboard that Choo-Choo To Chumpville faster than a hobo jumping aboard The Big Rock Candy Mountain Express.
Trump The Messiah had found his Apostle Peter and on this head full of rocks, He will build his yooge and classy church..
Now Coulter infests the twitterverse and the airwaves singing Trump's praises.
You know how you thought that Trump was just that-guy-at-the-corner-tap-shouting-at-the-TV-and-spilling-beer-on-his-bowling-shirt, but transposed to a different, noisier, more discordant key? Yeah...me too.
Well, Coulter is here, there and everywhere to set us straight.
Far from being an unspeakably vulgar, sub-literate oaf--sort of an Archie Bunker minus the charm and plus the Powerball jackpot--Trump is '...someone who genuinely loves America...'. Even (presumably) the bits he doesn't own.
But let Ann The Apostle tell it...
After you've rinsed the inside of your skull out with lye, you might want to recall that this same Ann Coulter received Trump's 'policy paper' with the same reverence and awe that Joseph Smith accorded the Golden Plates of Mormon (delivered by the angel Moroni because they didn't have Amazon back then).
Here's the sycophantic Coulter in full-spectrum turbo-drool:
The greatest political document since the Magna Carta.
And there, in one tweet, Coulter is revealed for the degraded, boot-licking grifter that she is.
As disdainful as I am of Coulter's whole 'contrarian' shtick, not even I think Coulter believes such lamentably ignorant nonsense, not for a minute.
But it gets attention, the barely literate Trump (who wouldn't know Magna Carta from Magnum P.I.) probably believes it and it firmly nails Coulter's colors to the mast of Trump's Ship of Fools.
The fact that Coulter has to don Mickey Mouse ears to do it hardly matters. God knows, she must be used to that: when you spend your life writing for illiterates, that's part of the job description.
Will the yooge, classy Messiah of Mishegas respond? Will He summon Ann the Apostle of Bupkes to his side (ie, give her a job)? Lord knows, Coulter is pushing 60 and needs a retirement nest-egg.
The Grift is strong in these ones but Time (and Trump) will tell. The (mis)adventure continues...