Thursday 14 April 2016. Today I didn't die from a cow attack and neither did you.
Cows kill 20 people annually in the US (less than 1 per year average in the UK) and not all of them are ranchers or vets doing whatever they do to get semen for artificial insemination.* Even Meteor Blades is afraid of cows (but not afraid to say so).
I was designated to nudge or cajole the beast off the road. Now, I am not a fraidy-cat kind of guy. Nonetheless, I said, "Wait a minute," muttering something along the lines of “these animals are dangerous, look at those horns.” And, no joke, their horns, both on the cows and the bulls, are impressive, clearly not to be messed with. So I honked a few times without result and then stepped outside the car and barked "shoo! shoo!" The creature looked at me, which I interpreted as a "glare" to my companions as I climbed back into the car.
Cow glares are a serious threat. Don’t be car-less
Perhaps Meteor was smart to retreat into the car. Some of the recorded cow-induced fatalities and many of the non-fatally injured people were just moo-seying along, not thinking dark thoughts about cows when suddenly they were set upon by murderous cattle.
Earlier this year, the BMJ published Are cattle dangerous to walkers? The study’s abstract begins with this observation, my bold added — yay science for the essential info that wasn’t hidden.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that people coming into contact with cattle while participating in outdoor pursuits can sustain severe, even fatal injuries. This has negative implications for farmers, cattle and the public.
And concludes with this insightful tip.
Attacks by cattle are underinvestigated and further work should assess their public health impact.
I’ve walked long distances around pastures to avoid close encounters with horned cattle, feeling foolish and like a fraidy-cat (although I don’t use that term — I say scaredy-cat and now wonder what’s the regional distribution of these two phrases).
I’ve also barged into small pasture enclosures filled with cattle and spent an hour looking at rare plants and vernal pools without being threatened by angry cows. And a human wearing rain gear and hip waders kneeling next to a cow-piss-filled puddle using a six foot long dip net to sample for aquatic invertebrates is a vision most cows don’t see often. Worst damage from cattle I’ve ever experienced was a smeared windshield on my truck parked in a pasture after the cattle gathered around and tried to lick it to death.
The CDC tracks death by cow as part of its Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report. So murderous cows are A Thing that is Tracked and we need to know how to keep ourselves safe.
This is a bull. Not all cattle with horns are bulls or even males. I was 20 years old before figuring this out. (photo by Christine und David Schmitt)
Here’s advice I found in the not-too-copious literature on how to protect yourself from being killed by a cow.
- If your dog chases a cow, and the cow chases back, don’t try to grab the dog. If the dog is on a leash, drop the leash, run, and let your dog choose his own path to safety.
- Don’t get near baby cows even if you don’t see the mama. Just don’t do it.
- Don’t walk through groups of cattle, walk around them.
- Walk boldly through the middle of a herd.
- Keep quiet and be calm.
- Carry a big stick and make a lot of noise.
Clearly this advice needs more refinement. My conclusions, from the research literature and personal experience with dogs, cattle, bulls, and oxen, are the following.
- Call your dogs from chasing cattle anytime they begin. It’s not fair.
- Don’t go in the bullpen. Avoid all bulls — reminder, bulls have testicles and penises. Not all horned cattle are bulls.
- Female cows even with horns are nicer than bulls as long as no baby cows are around. Female cows have udders.
- Oxen are the mellowest of all. I’ve walked beside an ox leaning in or tugging to make him turn right/left, and been carried behind them in an ox-cart. Oxen are slow but gentle. Bumpy riding in an ox-cart though. Wooden wheels. No springs.
- If you need more help avoiding death by cow, here’s an expanded set of instructions: Cow Survival Guide.
Some of the ox-carts in Costa Rica really do look like this. The ones I’ve used are bigger and more utilitarian. I don’t know who put the hat on the ox, maybe the guy in the Tico boots. Note that the ox isn’t harnessed to the cart yet. The cart is safely much further behind the ox when it’s all ready to roll.
ONE LAST SUGGESTION — THE BEST SOLUTION TO DEATH BY COW IS FEWER COWS. IT ISN’T JUST DIRECT IMPACT OF COWS ON HUMANS THAT KILL. RAISING SO MANY COWS FOR DAIRY AND MEAT INDUSTRIES IS A SIGNIFICANT CONTRIBUTOR TO ENVIRONMENTAL DEGRADATION AND CLIMATE CHANGE THAT IS KILLING MANY LIFE FORMS and changing the planet. EAT LESS MEAT, USE LESS DAIRY. PEOPLE STILL DON’T GET THE LINK BETWEEN MEAT CONSUMPTION AND CLIMATE CHANGE, REPORTS SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN.
Ready to shoot the bull? metaphorically
* For anyone wondering how do “they” get semen for artificial insemination, here’s detailed instructions: Semen Collection from Bulls. It includes info on training bulls to use AVs (artificial vaginas). There are also helpful Youtube videos (one for sperm collection from bull elephants, too).
Semen is most commonly collected from bulls...using an artificial vagina…. Electroejaculation is an alternative method used with bulls that cannot mount or are too fractious for easy handling (e.g. range bulls). Finally, semen can be collected by message [fairly sure this is massage misspelled] of the seminal vesicles and ampullae per rectum. [think about it] snip
Semen collection from bulls using an AV requires three people: one to handle the teaser animal, one to control the bull and one to collect the semen. It is important that the collection area have non-slip flooring to avoid injuries and because ejaculation may be inhibited if the bull is nervous about his footing….
A steer is most commonly used as a teaser and mount animal. Female teasers are not recommended…. [steers are castrated males raised for meat]
NOW YOU KNOW WHY BULLS ARE DANGEROUSly angry.
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