The following is a transcript of the speech given by Donald Trump on Tuesday, November 8, 2016 at 11:49 p.m. at Trump Tower in New York:
DONALD TRUMP: Folks, folks, we have come to the end of a long and hard-fought journey. The voters have spoken and have chosen Hillary Clinton to be our next pres—oh, the hell with it. I’m not reading this shit. (Tosses prepared remarks aside.)
I just heard that all the biased media just declared Crooked Hillary the winner of the presidential race. Is that a surprise, folks? I’ve told you from the beginning that this election was rigged. Rigged, rigged, rigged! Am I right? I’m going to demand a recount of every single vote cast across the country in every state. No, no, on second thought that would be a waste of time. I’m just going to declare myself the winner right here and now. I will be the next president of the United States. I am president. If the Electoral College—whatever the hell that is—disagrees with me, I’ll sue their asses off. Hillary thinks she’ll be president. Wrong.
(The crowd starts chanting: Lock her up! Lock her up!)
That’s right, folks. When I’m sheriff I will lock her up. My people—and I have the best people—have told me that Democrats were literally digging up corpses and making them vote throughout the day. All over the country, everywhere. That’s right. And some people are saying that Democrats were voting three, four, six times. The voter fraud has been huge. And I’ve heard that many of my supporters were turned away from the polls just because they were exercising their Second Amendment rights and wearing guns and carrying assault rifles and shoulder mounted missile launchers. These are ordinary people like you just trying to exercise their whatever-amendment right to vote while armed. Plus some stayed home because they were told that Election Day is November 28th. I don’t know where they got that idea. It’s so wrong. So wrong.
I also heard that Hillary’s campaign team personally escorted the entire population of the Louisiana State Penitentiary to the polls to vote illegally. That’s about 20,000 people right there. Twenty-thousand fraudulent votes. Can you believe that? Totally unacceptable. I. CONCEDE. NOTHING. I’ll be taking the oath of office on January 28th, no doubt about it.
(Ivanka Trump rushes to her father’s side.)
IVANKA: Dad, please! It’s over. You lost. It was a fair election. Now concede and come back to your room. I have some of those pills you like.
DONALD: No, honey. I’ve got to keep fighting. For truth, justice and the American way. For I am Superman. Super Donald. Super Trump. Yes, I like that.
IVANKA: Dad, stop it! You’re ruining our brand!
(Eric and Donald Trump Jr. take the stage and lead Donald away.)
DONALD: I shall return! This isn’t over!
IVANKA: On behalf of my father, I’d like to congratulate Hillary Clinton on becoming the first female president of the United States! Thanks and goodnight!
(Ivanka rushes off the stage as the crowd surges forward and starts to destroy everything in sight.)
*Clearly this is satire.
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