by Donald J. Trump*
Listen up, dummies: will you please stop voting for me to be president? Do you think I really want that stressful, low-paying, thankless job? Sure, being the most powerful man in the world would be amazing and nuking a foreign country or two would be a blast (a blast—get it?), but I’d soon get tired of having the same routine every day for four years. Do I seem like a guy who’s into long-term commitments? I’m on my third wife, okay? And I’m sure there’ll be a number four before too long. There’s only so many facelifts a woman can have before her face starts looking all plasticky.
When I started this campaign, I figured I’d be in the race until the early primaries, along the way getting my ego stroked and enjoying insulting my fellow candidates right to their stupid, ugly faces (I only wish Rosie O’Donnell were in the race). But I figured that after Iowa and New Hampshire and South Carolina primaries, somebody else would emerge as the frontrunner and I could drop out gracefully, thanking you, my supporters, and teasing you with hints of a third-party run. But my real plan was to get myself a new reality TV show with a huge ratings boost from my fake presidential campaign. But no! No matter what outrageous thing I say or impossible promise I make on the campaign trail, you losers just keep coming back for more. Jesus!
Do you think I’ll really build a massive wall between the U.S. and Mexico and then make Mexico pay for it? What am I gonna do, send President What’s-His-Name (I don’t even know or care who the fucking president of Mexico is) an invoice for $20 billion? And do you think I could really deport all the illegal aliens in this country? Do you know what that would cost and what the logistics would be? Oh, and how would I keep Muslims out of the country? They don’t make Muslim-sniffing dogs, you know.
Hey, I’m not stupid. You are.
Electing me president would be a huge, huge mistake. No doubt I would do a terrific, a mind-blowing, an amazing job a thousand times better than any of my Republican rivals would do, but my heart just wouldn’t be in it. Different story if this country was a dictatorship or a kingdom, but sadly, it isn’t. And despite the fact that I’m a fantastic and unbeatable dealmaker, I don’t think even I could turn it into one.
If I could, I’d be proud to continue my father’s racist and fascist legacy. Dad taught me that white people are superior to colored people, and than rich white people are superior to everyone else. I’d make a beautiful dictator or king, a truly amazing one. (Note to self: see about buying a tiny country and installing myself as its king.) But as president I’d have to deal with those fuckheads in Congress. These are stupid, stupid people. Already I can’t stand looking at Mitch McConnell’s big fat turtle face, so do you think he and I are going to cooperate? And what about Paul Ryan? He looks like a blue-eyed—what are those things called?—tarsier, I think. I just want to strangle him like the tree-dwelling rodent that he so closely resembles. I will say, though, that he has fantastic abs.
So look, it’s been a fun ride and I thank you all for playing along and enjoying the show, but enough already. Vote for Rubio or Kasich before he drops out. Even though Rubio looks like a Cuban Ken doll and is a lying weasel, he’s a better choice than that lying a-hole Ted Cruz, who I would shoot in his disgusting holier-than-thou ferret face if I could get away with it. At least Kasich seems like a decent guy.
At this point, I really don’t care who you vote for. Just stop voting for me!
* Not really! Please don’t sue me, Donald.
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