I’m a Sanders supporter. Like all my fellow Sanders supporters, I’ve spent a lot of time during this primary punching little old ladies and stomping red pandas for fun. It’s been a long, tough season of promoting white power and marching with armbands, but I think it’s time for all us Sanders supporters to stop being stupid, hateful idiots and vote for the clear choice who we all knew was better than Bernie all along.
I mean, I got behind Sanders just to be an obnoxious ass, just like the rest of my fellow Sanders supporters, and not because of anything to do with politics. I just like his crazy hair. Isn’t he adorable? But it’s time to get real, my fellow Sanders supporters, of whom I am definitely one, and not just a guy on the internet who can claim anything he likes, even if it’s not true. It’s time to get behind Hillary Clinton, who we all knew was going to win, anyway, but we just had to be contrary for no reason.
Like you, my fellow Sanders supporters, I have been dismayed lately by people noticing how we’re all hateful and violent and racist and sexist and we eat babies. I thought that was totally on the QT, but it’s time to face facts: the Clinton supporters are just smarter than we are, and they figured it out, and they’re all attractive and smell nice, and Sanders supporters don’t bathe. I know; I’m one of them. You.
You know what I mean.
So, let’s all support party unity, and sign our confessions to hate crimes and being stupid and ignorant and not knowing anything about politics because we’ve been supporting a known crazy person who hates America and women and people who aren’t white. Like you, I, too, cheered when our dear leader candidate Sanders threw Spaghetti-Os at homeless veterans, but seriously, folks, it’s time to get really real serious, seriously, and stop eating our boogers and pushing Kindergartners in front of moving trains for Bernie.
I mean, like all of you, my fellow Sanders supporters, I still get my notarized memos from Bernie Sanders himself ordering me to kick puppies, but it’s really time to join the Democratic Party, since none of us were Democrats, and we hate Democrats and kittens, but it’s time to get smart and vote for Hillary Clinton, who I have great respect for, despite being one of you and knowing all of us hate her because she’s a woman and we’re all men and we ain’t lettin’ no broad tell us what to do. But I love Clinton. But Sanders supporters hate her. And I’m a Sanders supporter, so vote for Clinton, unless we want to go with making Donald Trump President, which we all know is why Bernie Sanders got in the race in the first place, and we love it, because we’re all really in Ralph Nader’s cult.
I am a Sanders supporter. I’m with her. Hill yeah!
I am a Sanders supporter.