January 21, 2017. The Oval Office
Chief of Staff Corey Lewandowski bursts in on President Donald J. Trump.
“Mr. President, we have a problem.”
“What is it, Corey? Did Christie choke on another donut? I knew I should’ve picked someone else besides that fat loser to be vice president. Sad. “
“No sir, it’s the Russians. They’re threatening to launch a retaliatory missile strike against us if we nuke ISIS in Syria like you promised to do.”
“Hey, I gave ISIS until Saturday to pack up their turbans and get the hell out of there or else we’d nuke ‘em till they glow.”
“Sir, this is Saturday.”
“Already? I should be playing golf right now. I didn’t expect to be presidenting on weekends. Hey, look at this photo spread of Ivanka in Vogue. Isn’t she gorgeous? Too bad she can’t be First Lady.”
“Also, the Chinese and North Korea are threatening military action if you don’t back down. They’re saying you’re the most dangerous tyrant on the planet.”
“Really? That Kim Dong What’s-his-face called me a dangerous tyrant? That’s beautiful. Very gratifying. Always keep your enemies on the ropes, Corey.”
“Um, this is very serious sir. The UN is calling an emergency meeting of the Security Council and they want you there personally. Every country in the world is against using nukes against ISIS. Even Israel and the Saudis are worried about the fallout—literally. Plus markets across the world are spooked. Economists are predicting the worst crash in history when the markets open on Monday.”
“I’ve got no time for those losers, OK? Hey, how’s the blueprint on that Mexican wall coming along? Don’t forget I want my name repeated on it every thousand feet to remind those rapists and criminals who’s keeping them out. It’s gonna be so beautiful.”
“Sir, we haven’t even started on the wall. We have much higher priorities. Plus there’s a huge march being planned on Washington by American Muslims and their supporters to protest your executive order banning all Muslims from entering the country. It promises to be the biggest protest march in American history. ”
“That’s wonderful. That’ll make it easier to round ‘em up and ship ‘em out.”
“We can’t just arbitrarily deport American citizens. Plus the ACLU has filed suit against you for ordering that all Muslim-looking people have to eat a piece of bacon before entering the country. For the record, observant Jews don’t eat pork either.”
“Corey, Corey, Corey. I’m the president and I can do whatever I want. How about if we just tattoo these losers? Maybe something on their foreheads that’s conspicuous but tasteful. Like ‘Muslim’ in that font I always spell my name in on my buildings. Yes, that’ll be terrific. I have a very good brain for these things.”
“Sir, I’m pretty sure that’s unconstitutional as well. Not to mention reminiscent of Nazi Germany.”
“Everybody’s so PC these days. Sad. Why are you sweating like a pig, Corey? It’s disgusting. Take your jacket off or something and step back a few feet. You keep this up, and I’ll chose a new chief of staff so fast it’ll make your head spin. Hey, do we have any Trump steaks left in the freezer? I’ll bet Vlad Putin would like a dozen of those. Plus some bottles of Trump vodka. That was wonderful, wonderful stuff.”
“Sir, I think your steaks are long gone. Frozen beef doesn’t keep forever. And Trump vodka was rebranded as paint remover a few years ago.”
“That was strong stuff. Got you drunker than a Russian whore in no time.”
“Sir, the U.N. General Secretary is demanding that you call him.”
“What’s that guy’s name again? Donkey-something?”
“Ban ki Moon.”
“Yeah. Sounds like Asian food. Hey, get Secretary of State Palin to call him. She can handle those guys. She just needs to flash her rack at them. Hey, what’s that noise?”
“Civil defense sirens, sir. Oh my God!”
Secret Service agents burst into the room.
“We’ve got to get you to safety, sir! The North Koreans have launched a nuclear strike against us!”
“Well, shit! Hey Corey, bring that Vogue to the bunker, would you? We might be down there a while.”
Comments are closed on this story.