I feel very lucky that I had people in my life teaching and reinforcing what kindness was. In his last years, my father guided us with his frequent reminder:
Don’t be mean.
And my husband, who died a year ago after many years of living with cancer, repeated his last words several times, talking about how important family was and how, with everyone, life’s lesson was:
Love and be kind.
So I am one of the lucky people who has experienced both kindness and the awareness of its importance throughout my life. Sometimes that feels unique.
But this heritage also carries the imperative to be kind and that is not always easy. It is even harder if kindness is interpreted not just as the absence of meanness, but as a guide for my active involvement with those around me. I often fail at this, but listening to Meryl Streep’s call to engagement, along with many other wise voices that have arisen during these difficult days, I am ready to try as well as I can to be actively kind.
And that got me thinking about what kindness was, especially in relation to the actions of Donald Trump and some of those who follow him.
In my mind, I have coined the phrase “instrumental kindness”. This is doing things that appear kind in order to achieve a personal goal. Trump uses this well. I am baffled by people who praise and revere him. Thinking about how he uses “kindness” to pull people in helps me understand. We all respond to kindness and, if we are slightly afraid or in awe of someone, it is even more potent. Thus, when Trump praises someone, either a person, a state, or an entire rally, it has a positive effect. This isn’t kindness, it is “instrumental kindness”, used to arrive at his ends. There is no promise in it of continued regard or respect, it is self serving, but I have seen people bask in its momentary glow.
So what is kindness? Reverteding back to high school essay days, I tried to look up kindness and its definitions. I’d like to share a couple of the things I found. First, on Wikipedia
Kindness is a behavior marked by ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern for others. It is known as a virtue, and recognized as a value in many cultures and religions (see ethics in religion).[1] Aristotle, in Book II of his "Rhetoric", defines it as being "helpfulness towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for the advantage of the helper himself, but for that of the person helped".[2] Nietzsche argued that kindness and love are the "most curative herbs and agents in human intercourse".[3] Kindness is considered to be one of the Knightly Virtues.[4] In Meher Baba's teachings, God is synonymous with kindness: "God is so kind that it is impossible to imagine His unbounded kindness!"[5]
Secondly, a wonderful 12 Kinds of Kindness project from two New York City residents who practiced a different aspect of kindness every month for a year. They concluded:
Trump is sexist, a racist and a bigot. This isn’t news. However, this is bigger than just Trump. This is about the DNA of our country. This is about the systematic racism and sexism that still exists every day….
We need to continue to use our voices on social media, and in peaceful, non-violent ways, to remind the world that our country is about inclusion, and that we do not share Trump’s intolerance and hatred. America is NOT one nationality, one race, or one religion. America is a diverse mix of backgrounds, religions, races, sexual orientations, and ethnicities. That’s what makes our country great…
Kindness is an innate quality that we can all possess as human beings. We need a leader who will be an example of this trait for us and our children. Let’s stand up to this intolerance. Let’s not let fear overcome our humanity. Let’s not let walls tear us down. As political activist and hip hop artist Killer Mike so eloquently said on Stephen Colbert, this opportunity is not going to come again. It's now or never.
Sorry I ramble on here. All of this leads to my resolution to try to find ways, in the midst of my anger, despair, and disillusionment, to be kind. This means speaking to people, even those I oppose, with respect for their core humanity, even though I hate what they stand for. But It also means being clear and assertive and speaking and acting up when I see unkindness. It means finding ways to be actively kind — volunteering, smiling at a stranger, treating all people with respect. While I can never match her, Meryl Streep gave me a model for how I hope to oppose the many dark things of this era. Thank you Dame Streep
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