Hispanic Federation Fund for Puerto Rico Relief Link
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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Late Night Snark---Everybody Gets Screwed Edition
“The Senate passed a Republican tax bill just before 2 am on Saturday. And if you’re wondering if that’s a good thing, try to remember the last time anything good happened to you at 2 am on a Saturday. 2 am on Saturday is when your drunk friend gets in the back of a police car because he thought it was an Uber and then barfs on himself.”
---Seth Meyers
“They said, ‘We realize doing this in the dead of night makes us look sneaky, corrupt and dishonest. Anyway, have a great weekend!’”
---Jimmy Fallon
“The bill, which mostly rewards corporations and the 1 percent, is called the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, which is a pretty deceptive title. I mean, sure, tax cuts and jobs are technically involved. But it would be like if Nabokov titled Lolita, ‘Heroic Good Man Mentors Young Girl.’ Which is coincidentally also what Roy Moore’s next memoir will be called.”
---Samantha Bee
“In an interview, Senate candidate Roy Moore's spokesperson said his accusers gave ‘Academy Award performances.’ Then Moore interrupted and said, ‘I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards.’"
---Conan O’Brien
“A new survey finds that four-out-of-five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace, while one-out-of-five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.”
---Colin Jost, SNL
“Yesterday we finally got congressional testimony from Donald Trump Jr. His grilling by the House Intelligence Committee lasted roughly eight hours, making it the first time a Trump has put in a full work day.”
---Stephen Colbert
Don’t forget: the ACA signup enrollment deadline for 2018 ends one week from today. If you or someone you know needs coverage, make a note to get to Healthcare.gov this weekend and git ‘er done.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 8, 2017
Note: For those of you participating in the C&J Pharmaceuticals clinical trial who have suddenly sprouted a tree branch from your rectum, please report to Dr. Augenblick for a free pruning. (To speed the process, please remove your Christmas ornaments first.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the special senate election in Alabama: 4
Days 'til the Santa Skivvies Run through San Francisco’s Castro District: 2
Percent of the country’s wealth owned by the top 1 percent, the highest since 1962: 40%
Percent of Americans who believe Trump advisers did and did not, respectively, have improper dealings with Russia, according to a new CBS News poll: 67%, 26%
Number of orders issued by the FBI last year to reclaim guns from buyers who should have been blocked by the federal background check system: 4,170
Number of countries the European Union put on its blacklist as ones that are complicit (look it up, Ivanka) in tax-avoidance schemes: 17
Number of times per year Trump has traditionally gotten the veneers for his teeth changed because he didn’t think they were white enough: 2
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Family bonding...
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CHEERS to another ring of algae around the kiddie pool. Hard to believe that the fart…er, force of nature that is Cheers and Jeers turns 14 years old Sunday. (You can read the first one from December 10, 2003 here, including all two comments.) Truth be told, after all this time I can't remember when I wasn't posting this derivative train wreck of snark, rant, 30-inch-tall blockquotes, pseudo-plagiarism, ghastly typos, factual errors, and really, truly, honestly, shamelessly, obnoxiously serious adverb abuse. Please accept my thanks for joining me on this weird trek into the virtual pages of blogging history as we’ve careened from Bush nightmare to Obama dream to Trump nightmare. I sincerely appreciate the gift of your eyeballs, your brain and your heart. Mainly because they’ve come in so useful during my late night human-animal hybrid experiments in the basement.
CHEERS to seeing the forest for the trees. No doubt about it: Al Franken’s resignation from the Senate is tough to process, especially for those of us (which is probably most of us) who have admired his Emmy-winning SNL humor, wonky smarts on Air America, and books that dealt body blows to GOP hypocrisy for decades. And what a thrill to watch him bring down Norm Coleman by a handful of votes---one of the sweetest political victories ever. It’s especially frustrating to know that the actions causing his downfall were the same ones that brought down his arch-rival Bill O’Reilly: accusations of sexual harassment. But…here we are. And though our minds might be in a moment of disarray, I’ll point you to this energizing column by Sean McElwee that illustrates how far the Democratic party has come over the years to become unified and progressive. A quick snip here, but you should read it all:
The future of the party belongs to [candidates like those elected nationwide last month]---ones who understand that justice is about paychecks and clean water and can mobilize youth without pandering.
But the core questions at the heart of the party have been answered. No credible pundit would argue that the future of the party is bloodless centrism, and the primaries across the country reflect that. The Democrats have work to do, and have scars left over from the 2016 primary. But the party is increasingly united on the values of racial justice, immigration, gender equity, non-discrimination, universal health care and antitrust policy.
It is the most united American party in modern political history.
I’ll miss Al, and I’ll never forget that he was (and will be again in some capacity, no doubt) a major force in the leftward pull of our party and principles. But looking ahead, I cannot wait to see the new breed of progressive candidates---including a lot of women---who will trounce their flailing Republican opponents (even Paul Ryan may get the heave-ho) next November in a massive wave. Onward together.
P.S. On the bright side, this asshole’s also gone:
I believe the reason he got the boot is because he kept asking female office staffers to be human incubators for his alien pods. Three words: “E.T. throw up.”
CHEERS to the #1 cause of hairy palms and sudden blindness. On tomorrow’s date in 1994 Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders---who, at 84, is still active at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences---got triangulated out of her job by President Bill Clinton. Her offense: having the gall to suggest that teaching kids about masturbation might help prevent the spread of AIDS. "Education, education, education," she said. "The only way we are going to get around this disease is with education. We have no vaccine, we have no magic drug. All we've got is education." Clinton should've let her stay. He might've learned that playing with yourself prevents something else: impeachment.
CHEERS to righteous indignation. These days Desmond Tutu doesn’t come out unless it’s freaking important. Dude’s 86 and the Lord is doing everything She can to grab his leg and pull him up so he can be a fourth in Her bridge club. So his official statement serves as a powerful representation of world opinion in the wake of Trump’s anti-Muslim decision to recognize Jerusalem as the exclusive playground of Israel:
Nobel laureate Desmond Tutu says “God is weeping over President Donald Trump’s inflammatory and discriminatory recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.”
The 86-year-old former archbishop, a veteran of the anti-apartheid struggle in South Africa, rarely makes public statements because of health problems.
His new statement says that “it is our responsibility to tell Mr. Trump that he is wrong.” He adds that “God does not discriminate” between people of various religions and that “those who claim divine rights for themselves to physical property on earth are false prophets.”
Since this is a family-oriented blog, I won’t post the hand gesture that went along with it.
JEERS to NAFTA. On December 8, 1993 the North American Free Trade Agreement was signed into law by President Clinton. It eliminates virtually all tariffs and trade restrictions between the U.S., Canada and Mexico. To celebrate, officials will commemorate its 24th anniversary by visiting U.S. manufacturing plants all across the country. And that country, of course, would be Mexico.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Lord only knows what today’s Friday news dump will be (Trump’s face plate fell off?), so the first thing on our weekend viewing schedule is Chris Hayes, Rachel and Lawrence tonight.
The holiday viewing season ramps up tomorrow night with the annual epic showdown between Mary Poppins on ABC and Rudolph on CBS. James Franco (getting lots of awards buzz for The Disaster Artist) hosts SNL. New home video releases include Despicable Me 3 and the reboot of David Lynch’s Twin Peaks. The basketball schedule is here (San Antonio should just hang up their spurs---the Celtics are gonna ride ‘em like a show donkey Ha Ha Ha!!!), the hockey schedule is here, and the NFL schedule is here. On 60 Minutes: a profile of Putin’s fiercest critic and election challenger Alexey Navalny, who is amazingly still alive. Bart goes missing on The Simpsons and Family Guy goes all Scroogy. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Susan Collins (R-ME); Ambassador to the U.N. Nikki Haley.
CNN's State of the Union: Thorn in Trump’s side Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL), who early-voted against Roy Moore in the special senate election.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Nikki Haley; Rep. Barbara Comstock (R-VA); Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-MI).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 8, 2007
JEERS to the Digit Idjit. The housing crisis is spiraling down the drain, affecting a whole slew of ancillary industries and making the possibility of a recession more real than ever. Riding to the rescue on his trusty pickup truck is The Uniter...The Decider...The War President...The Peace President...George W. Bush...to give America hope...to give America direction...to give America the wrong effing telephone number. Laura, you're our only hope now. Take your man to Chuck E. Cheez, give him enough tokens for twelve months, and lock the door.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to our 50-pound furry bundle of joy. More proof of how tempus fugits no matter how hard we fire our retro-fugit boosters: C&J's rescue lab-mix Haley is half a decade old today---36 in human years, according to WebMD, and a reminder of how cruelly fast life whizzes by for our four-legged sidekicks.
We're not sure what she's mixed with, exactly, but we are sure of one thing: she finally, finally had a happy, goofy, trouble-free year. No parvovirus or sinus infection that relentlessly clogged her nostrils for weeks (year 1). No ligament surgery on her back leg that required breaking and resetting her tibia (year 2). No repeat of the procedure on her other back leg or return of her cancer (year 3). No abscessed tooth or stitches to repair a running-too-fast-in-the-woods tree-branch puncture wound that came a few millimeters from her heart (year 4). Nope. This year was a good one. Nothing but fun.
She remains one of the happiest and smartest dogs we've ever had the privilege of being owned by, SBDs and all. So everyone enjoy the free birthday kibble casserole in the C&J cafeteria tonight. (Yes, we’re putting out extra ketchup.) Happy birthday, Haley, and many blessings on your squeaky camel toys.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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