Michael Snyder, author of a book called The Rapture Verdict, recently put together a list of things liberals supposedly hate about America. The list is as entertaining as it is unhinged, and for some reason it’s liberally seasoned with lots of food and beverage items, not to mention conservative B-list celebrities (as if there’s any other kind).
Here was Snyder’s inspiration for the endeavor:
“If we want to make America great again, we need to embrace the things that made us great in the first place. Unfortunately, the left tends to hate most of those things. In fact, many leftists will actually tell you that America was never great. These ‘progressives’ want our nation to be fundamentally ‘transformed’ into an entirely different place than our forefathers intended, and they plan to use big government as the tool to conduct that ‘transformation’.”
Some day I may write my own list of “100 Things Conservatives Hate About America” (item 1: correct use of quotation marks), but for now the following response to Snyder’s “100 things” will have to do. Suffice it to say, in the mind of at least one liberal, Snyder is dead on about some things and comically misguided about others:
1. The U.S. Constitution
You mean the document Donald Trump tried to shred right out of the gate with his Muslim travel ban? The same document whose spirit Trump eviscerates almost every day when he attempts to intimidate and marginalize the free press? The one that he openly violated the moment he took the oath of office by failing to honor the emoluments clause? That Constitution? We love it.
If you’re talking about the freedom to marry whom you love, engage in recreational activities that don’t harm others, and have control over your own body, no. If you’re talking about the freedom of the country’s wealthiest people to get so obscenely rich that they can subvert democracy, establish a de facto oligarchy, and continue to benefit more and more from our country’s productivity gains while everyone else’s wages stagnate, then yes.
Who doesn’t like success? Maybe we just don’t like your idea of success. When a Walton scion inherits billions of dollars tax-free for doing nothing other than sitting back and growing rich off the exploitation of workers whose wages we have to supplement with our tax dollars, that’s not really success. It’s freeloading.
5. Big Trucks
Behold the intellectual gravitas of the modern conservative. Top five things liberals hate: The Constitution, liberty, freedom, success, and … big trucks. Oh, they’re fine for hauling huge pallets of produce and pulling boats, etc. Probably don’t need one to pick up milk or drive yourself to work, though.
Capitalism was a great invention. Unfettered capitalism is a shitshow. Would you rather live in Denmark or Somalia?
7. Free Markets
Maybe Michael should have written a list of the 75 things liberals hate about America. His list is starting to get repetitive. See “capitalism,” above.
8. Wealthy People
In conservatives’ Manichaean worldview, anyone who thinks a billionaire should give back more to society through higher tax rates so that someone else can go to the doctor or eat hates the wealthy.
9. Economic Prosperity
If we hated economic prosperity we’d keep electing Bushes until the GDP was zero.
10. The Rule of Law
How many liberal presidents have said a judge can’t be impartial because he’s “Mexican” or sent an unhinged tweet at 5 a.m. about a “so-called judge”?
11. Traditional Values
Values change. Some traditional values, like the Golden Rule, are worth keeping. Others, like the idea that women and minorities should be treated as second-class citizens, are best thrown out. It’s probably just a coincidence, though, that so many white straight men remain so attached to “tradition.”
12. The American Flag
It represents a lot of things — some good, some bad. You shouldn’t burn it, but neither should you treat it like your favorite RealDoll.
13. The Founding Fathers
When liberals look at the Founding Fathers we see a group of diverse men who created the greatest system of government the world has ever known — one that respected (some) individuals’ rights and successfully established a sustainable representative democracy. But we understand that they were flawed men, many of whom “owned” fellow humans. They were wise about some things, but they also clung to a lot of foolish and pernicious ideas. The United States isn’t a religion. We don’t have to turn our founders into demigods.
By the way, a lot of them thought religion was kind of stupid.
That’s like a little kid thinking his parents hate candy because they won’t let him eat Jolly Ranchers all day. Most liberals — including Hillary Clinton — just want reasonable firearms regulations.
15. Limited Government
This is just code for “fuck you, poors.”
16. Religious Freedom
Other than hating Christmas to the depths of our nonexistent souls and forcing people at the point of a bloody bayonet to say “Happy Holidays,” no.
If you plan to teach your kids that antediluvian shepherds were forced to protect their sheep from velociraptors and that the dinosaurs died all at once because Noah couldn’t fit them on the ark, then yes.
18. Private Schools
Okay, suppose you have a nice yard with a pool and a cool jungle gym because you can afford it and want the best for your kids. That’s great. But then don’t expect your city to divert money from the parks budget to pay for that stuff.
19. Christian Schools
See 17 and 18. (Seriously, Michael’s list is more redundant than “Republican sociopath.”)
If you plan to use the profits from your home-based artisan beeswax candle business to lobby Congress to give you an unfair advantage over the artisan soy wax candle industry, then yes. Otherwise, no.
21. Ronald Reagan
Yeah, he pretty much sucked.
22. Donald Trump
Oh, hell yeah.
23. Mike Pence
This is getting too easy.
24. Country Music
To each his own. But, yeah, Toby Keith is awful.
25. Rush Limbaugh
He’s become too irrelevant to hate.
26. The Tea Party
See “Rush Limbaugh,” above.
27. Lower Taxes
We all like paying less in taxes. What we don’t like is paying more in taxes so the Walton family can get billions in tax breaks and force the government to subsidize its workers’ wages.
28. Old-Fashioned Light Bulbs
Really? This is what you’re clinging to? Apparently so.
Yes, we hate Jesus, but just slightly less than we hate old-fashioned light bulbs, apparently.
30. The Bible
It has some good parts. It also has some bizarre and awful parts. (See 2 Kings 2: 23-24, for example.) Take it for what it is.
31. The Christian Faith
It’s a mixed bag.
32. The Drudge Report
33. John Wayne
Not really. What we hate are bad John Wayne impersonations. Like the drunk John Wayne impression Donald Trump does every day.
34. Alex Jones
It’s unseemly to hate the mentally ill.
We only hate it because it reminds us of how babies sometimes gawk out the window at cars for no discernible reason — and as everyone knows, we hate babies (see below).
37. Big Cheeseburgers
Yes, nothing embodies the true American spirit more than NASCAR, Tupperware, and big cheeseburgers. This is the most devastating portion of the list right here. Please, no more.
Actually, football provides us with a good analogy for how liberals and conservatives view the world. We believe rules that protect vulnerable people (e.g., by preventing concussions) are valuable, and we think laws that give everyone a chance to win are preferable to a purely laissez-faire system. Conservatives, on the other hand, couldn’t care less about that stuff.
39. Clint Eastwood
Best prop comic since Carrot Top. What’s not to like?
40. The Army
41. The Navy
42. The Marines
43. The Air Force
No. (Though it’s fair to point out that the military is more than adequately funded already.)
44. Ron Paul
We’re not big fans. And we’re not alone.
45. Rand Paul
Wait, is this the one who lost to Mike Huckabee or the one who lost to Ben Carson?
We love marriage. Maybe not as much as Donald Trump or Newt Gingrich do, but still.
Ideally, babies would gestate in plasma-filled latex pods and be forced to listen to Kathy Griffin recite Das Kapital for nine months before being raised in UN indoctrination camps by an army of George Soros clones, but until that glorious day, we’ll keep showing up for Thanksgiving.
Yes, we hate babies so much we want to get them hooked on government-subsidized health insurance. Conservatives respect them enough to make them stand on their own two feet.
Come on. Where else can you get alcohol, tobacco, firearms, and Thomas the Tank Engine onesies?
50. Flag Pins
You already said “the American flag,” Michael. Try deduping your list in Excel next time.
Many liberals are vegetarians. Many are not. Those who are not probably enjoy a steak from time to time.
52. Chuck Norris
We don’t dare.
53. Bottled Water
Well, that’s better than hating all water.
54. George Washington
Wow, you’re really going for the jugular now. Owning slaves was a pretty dick move, yes. But he paved the way for presidential term limits, which are more important now than ever.
55. The 1st Amendment
Huh? Who do you think you’re talking to? Show us your ACLU card, bud.
56. The 2nd Amendment
If you adhere to original intent, as many conservatives do, this amendment clearly stipulates that you can own as many flintlock muskets as you want so long as you’re part of a state militia. No problem with that.
57. The 10th Amendment
Conservatives love states’ rights until some of those states want to legalize weed.
58. The Pledge of Allegiance
The pre-McCarthy-era version was better.
Yeah, it sucks.
Everyone knows that liberals prefer Tab. What liberals don’t know is that it’s a product of the Coca-Cola Co. Stupid liberals.
61. Fried Food
62. Muscle Cars
Not really. But hybrid muscle cars powered by biodiesel and grass-fed cow methane are better.
63. Charlie Daniels
Yes, but that’s just because he’s a stupid asshole.
64. Dolly Parton
Who doesn’t like Dolly Parton? Come on.
65. Duck Dynasty
Yes, but not nearly as much as we hate marriage and babies.
66. Johnny Cash
See “Dolly Parton.”
67. Sarah Palin
Hating Sarah Palin is too easy — like shooting wolves from a helicopter.
Michael got hungrier and hungrier as he put together his list. This is his last reference to food or beverages, we promise.
69. Sean Hannity
Yes, we hate him, but only because he’s literally the worst human being on the planet.
Hey, we could consolidate the things we hate and force Sean Hannity to work as a rodeo clown once we’ve established an authoritarian one-world government.
See “muscle cars,” above.
72. Barbie Dolls
Is it so horrible to want dolls to look like actual humans? We also hate body shaming and bulimia. So?
73. Ted Cruz
Remember how Michael introduced his list: “If we want to make America great again, we need to embrace the things that made us great in the first place.” No one needs — or wants — to embrace Ted Cruz.
74. Fiscal Sanity
No, liberals embrace fiscal sanity. Republicans dry-hump it like a congressional page whenever a Democrat is in the White House and ignore it the rest of the time.
75. Charlton Heston
Terrible actor. He was the least convincing character in a movie where almost everyone else was a talking ape. His NRA advocacy was kind of a joke, too.
Here’s Amnesty International’s annual report on Israel. Judge for yourself. We have no problem with the country itself, but it shouldn’t be above reproach. Unfortunately, conservatives don’t care much for nuance.
77. Benjamin Netanyahu
See previous entry.
We respect coal miners enough to tell them the truth, unlike some people.
Not really, no. But don’t get us started on moisture farmers.
80. The Coal Industry
81. National Sovereignty
We long for the day when the Borg Queen calls us home. But until then, we’re cool with making our own laws while acknowledging the importance of international law and opinion.
82. National Borders
We’re fine with them, but remember, borders change. California and Texas used to be part of Mexico, you know.
83. Uncle Sam
What does this even mean?
84. The Washington Redskins
Things conservatives love, No. 84: gratuitous racism.
85. Small Businesses
87. Harley-Davidson Motorcycles
Don’t be an idiot. What’s not to like?
88. Military Veterans
We hate sending troops to fight in pointless wars that cost trillions of dollars, much of which could be spent on improving veterans benefits. We honor and respect veterans. Conservatives use them as props, as Donald Trump did when he promised a $1 million donation for veterans and then appeared to forget about it until four months later when the media asked him where the money went.
89. The Phrase “Islamic Terror”
This phrase, according to National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster and other experts, is not helpful, unless you think it’s a good thing that Ted Cruz can occasionally achieve an erection. And nobody thinks that.
90. Big Families
How many kids are we talking about? Sixteen? Seventeen? Remember, other people might want to use the planet after you’re done with it.
91. The Bible Belt
How would you feel if you couldn’t have a decent health care system just because half the country is afraid of brown people?
92. The Creation Museum
Are you kidding? This place is comedy gold! Love it!
93. The 10 Commandments
Other than saying you have to worship the Hebrew god, can’t make statues, can’t work on Saturday, can’t say God’s name unless you really mean it, and shouldn’t covet someone else’s ox, donkey, or wife, the 10 Commandments are all pretty much common sense.
94. Anyone That Is Pro-Life
The difference is we don’t think you’re going to be tortured forever in hell.
95. Anyone Who Disagrees With Them
Says a guy who made a 100-item list castigating liberals for disagreeing with him.
96. Hard Work
Dude, your list of 100 things is really more like 12 things after you remove all the duplicates. Who hates hard work?
Al Franken said it best: “If you listen to a lot of conservatives, they’ll tell you that the difference between them and us is that conservatives love America and liberals hate America. ... They don’t get it. We love America just as much as they do. But in a different way. You see, they love America like a 4-year-old loves his mommy. Liberals love America like grown-ups. To a 4-year-old, everything Mommy does is wonderful and anyone who criticizes Mommy is bad. Grown-up love means actually understanding what you love, taking the good with the bad and helping your loved one grow. Love takes attention and work and is the best thing in the world. That’s why we liberals want America to do the right thing. We know America is the hope of the world, and we love it and want it to do well.”
We love winning. Who doesn’t? But the world is not a WWE cage match. Just because we do well doesn’t mean everyone else in the world has to be forced to sit in poop and eat a bug. Pulling out of a 190-nation climate accord doesn’t help us win anything unless we’re participating in a stupidest country contest.
99. The Truth
Oh, that’s rich.
100. The American People
Final vote tally: Hillary Clinton, 65,844,954. Donald Trump, 62,979,879. We love the American people — more than you do.