From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
For Din-Dins, Good Boys and Girls Get Late Night Snark & A Tweet
“Over the weekend, it came out that President Trump’s approval rating is at 36 percent. But Trump defended the number, saying that it was 'almost 40.' Then he said, 'And if you read 36 upside down, it looks like 93, which is almost 100. So I’m doing amazing---Almost 100 in Upside Down World.'”
---Jimmy Fallon
"As of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the GOP healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking. ... It's like if Batman vs. Superman took a Pontiac Aztec to Blockbuster Video to rent The Lone Ranger and watch it on laser disc. That's how badly they failed."
---Stephen Colbert
"Those mythical three million illegal voters are the president's obsession---his white whale. Although if the whale was white, Trump would be a lot less concerned about it voting."
---Samantha Bee
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"According to friends of Donald Trump Jr., back in college he was a black-out drunk. So he does have a long history of meeting with White Russians."
---Conan O'Brien
"President Trump attended the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Tournament this weekend. Just to be safe, the golfers got changed in their cars."
---Seth Meyers
P.S. So long, Sean. Happy landing at Fox News.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 21, 2017
Note: Anyone know if the religious right is still boycotting Target stores over their transgender-inclusive bathroom policies? Asking for a friend who could use a good laugh.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til System Administrator Appreciation Day: 7
Days 'til the Olathe Sweet Corn Festival in Colorado: 15
Percent of anthropogenic greenhouse gas emissions that come from livestock: 14.5%
Percent of a cow's methane emissions that come from burps as opposed to farts: 90%
Trump approval rating after 6 months on the job, according to Gallup's daily tracking poll (compared to Obama's 61%): 37%
Per-glass price at my front-yard lemonade stand: $199.95
Number of glasses sold in 20 years: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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JEERS to the first six months. Yes, Donald Trump has been our---[throws up in mouth a little bit]---president for a full half year, and what does he have to show for it? Off the top of my head...
- Approval ratings in the 30s
- Under federal criminal investigation
- National security adviser fired amid scandal
- Press Secretary fired amid incompetence
- Fills cabinet with swamp dwellers
- No Mexican wall (that Mexico won’t pay for anyway)
- Appointed Supreme Court justice “Scalia on Steroids”
- 100-day promises broken
- Spewed 414 outright lies
- No ACA repeal or replacement
- Trade deal with China collapses
- NAFTA deal not renegotiated
- Coal jobs not coming back
- Carrier jobs "saved" now outsourced
- North Korea emboldened
- 37 rounds of golf
- 0 town hall meetings
- Hundreds of administration positions still unfilled
- Failed to unveil "beautiful and quick" plan to defeat ISIS
- Muslim travel ban in tatters, thanks to the courts
- Same with his attempt to roll back Obama's rules on methane emissions
- The world now hates us (except Russia and Saudi Arabia)
- Exhibiting signs of dementia, paranoia, unsteadiness
- Staff lawyering up left and right as Mueller investigation proceeds
- Declared war on his own attorney general
- Still #1 among Nazis, KKK, and religious grifters
- Already looking into pardoning himself & his family
On the bright side, our long national nightmare is now 1/8th over. Yay?
CHEERS to comeuppance. 43 years ago today, on July 21, 1974, the House Judiciary Committee approved two articles of impeachment against Richard "Okay, I Guess I'm A Crook After All" Nixon. That same day, he was giving a speech at a private home in Bel Air, California. Let's see... He talked about the host's fine tent. He talked about the struggle between Greece and Turkey. He talked about his trip to Egypt. He talked about some old administration officials. And then he toasted his audience with a fine whine:
"You wonder sometimes, and I am often asked, you know, how do you really take the burden of the Presidency, particularly when at times it seems to be under very, very grievous assault.
Let me say, it isn't new for it to be under assault, because since the time we came into office for 5 years, we have had problems.
There have been people marching around the White House when we were trying to bring the war to an end, and we have withstood that, and we will withstand the problems of the future."
He forgot to add four crucial words: "...for 19 more days." Silly goose.
CHEERS to diving in the weeds. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Robert Mueller's investigation of the Trump crime family's skullduggery is finally going after the really juicy stuff. He's started following the money:
The U.S. special counsel investigating possible ties between the Donald Trump campaign and Russia in last year’s election is examining a broad range of transactions involving Trump’s businesses as well as those of his associates, according to a person familiar with the probe. …
FBI investigators and others are looking at Russian purchases of apartments in Trump buildings, Trump’s involvement in a controversial SoHo development with Russian associates, the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow and Trump’s sale of a Florida mansion to a Russian oligarch in 2008, the person said.
You just know that there'll be enough sleaze under those rocks (banks included…oh, boy, wait 'til he wades through those records) to choke an army of elephants. But if I were Mueller I'd add one more position to my staff before I proceeded any further: food taster.
JEERS to a very crowded bench. Did you hear about this? By a vote of 70-20, the Senate rejected the president's proposal to enlarge the Supreme Court by six justices. His plan was denounced as "court-packing" by critics, and we agree. Shaaaaame on you, Mr. President! FDR, that is...July 22,1937. Nice try, sir, but the thought of 15 Alitos and/or Thomases makes my knees wobble.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Donald Trump asks: "Am I a fucking baby?"
Yes.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to purty rhymin' wurds. On this date in 1893, Katherine Lee Bates---a college-educated, latte-slurping Cape Cod liberal elitist---wrote the poem America the Beautiful after visiting an inspiring spot:
One day some of the other teachers and I decided to go on a trip to 14,000-foot Pikes Peak. We hired a prairie wagon. Near the top we had to leave the wagon and go the rest of the way on mules. I was very tired. But when I saw the view, I felt great joy. All the wonder of America seemed displayed there, with the sea-like expanse.
It was later set to the hymn "Materna" by Samuel Ward. But only because Snoop Dogg wanted ten million bucks for the rights to "We Just Wanna Party with You."
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of some of the eyestuff that may end up on your TV this weekend. Not much tonight, although Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O'Donnell are on the Trump administration like glue, so they’re worth a looksie. New home video releases include the hit Kong: Skull Island and the Scorsese-executive-produced Free Fire. The baseball schedule is here. (The Red Sox will "bedevil" the Angels Bwoo Ha Ha!!!) The British Open continues at the only golf course in the world that replaces the sand in their traps with haggis. (Very messy but also very entertaining.) Sunday night the Discovery Channel kicks off Shark Week with a race between Olympian Michael Phelps and---you'll never guess---a shark! On 60 Minutes: the sons of Ethel and Julius Rosenberg. And here's your Game of Thrones spoiler alert: Every character on that show remains in desperate need of a bath. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA.
Face the Nation: Ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sens. Susan Collins (R-ME) and John barrasso (R-WY).
This Week: TBA.
CNN's State of the Union: Sens. Al Franken (D-MN) and Rand Paul (R-KY).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. John Thune (R-One O’ Them Dakotas)
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 21, 2007
CHEERS to The Happy Thought of the Millennium: As of today George Bush has exactly 18 months left in office. He'll mark the occasion tomorrow by having a colonoscopy. Laura will join him at the hospital to help doctors distinguish his head from his ass.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to coming in like a lion. Woo hoo! My zodiac sign---Leo---starts this weekend! You know who's a Leo? President Obama. Neil Armstrong and 35 other astronauts. Robert Redford. Madonna. The Far Side creator Gary Larson. Loni Anderson. Steve Martin. Stanley Kubrick. Andy Warhol. Tom Freakin' Brady!!! And what do we (and you, if you're a roarer too) all have in common? Oh we hate to brag…
The Leo Woman is glamorous and regal. She isn't complicated ---in fact she's more up-front and honest. She revels in the spotlight and often finds herself the center of attention. No matter how happy she is in her personal life, a Leo woman needs more. That usually means a career or, in some cases, an involvement in social or community affairs that showcase her creative interests and organizational skills.
The Leo Man [is] good-looking and personable and possess a swaggering grace that makes [him] attractive to women. They are friendly and good-natured, although they have a tendency to sulk. They have a strong ego and can seem preoccupied with their own concerns at times. Image is important to these men, and they take great care in cultivating just the right one for themselves.
…but brag we shall. Meow.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are youcheering and jeering about today?
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