(SnarkyNewsNetwork) After registering 6.0 on the Side-eye scale when he claimed that his 17-day stay at a private golf resort was not actually a vacation (where the official club’s swim team is called, I kid you not, the Trump Torpedoes), and then proving that North Korea does not have a monopoly on inarticulate dictators making unsubstantiated and wildly over-compensatory military proclamations, Donald Trump once again did the unthinkable, when it was announced that Trump — proving that he was indeed not on vacation — signed an executive order proclaiming that he has a 30-inch penis.
The announcement came as a shock to many, as the use of an executive order for such a frivolous display of superiority seemed outside the realm of what is appropriate.
On the other hand, other political observers praised the move, as they found the sudden uncharacteristically honest declaration of what is seemingly Trump’s primary motivation for just about everything he has done in the last seven months, or rather his entire adult career, refreshing.
Despite the blatant literary license and sheer medical impossibilities of the executive order, speculation around the multiple jacuzzis at Bedminster seems to suggest that many people take the order seriously.
Multiple anonymous eye-witness accounts describe Trump personally bragging about his well-endowed status, shortly before the executive order was announced.
“It’s true! It’s totally true,” Trump said, according to the eye-witness accounts. “It’s the biggest in the world. YUUUUGE. Cost a fortune. Wish I could have gotten it gold-plated, but it was already the most expensive penis in the world, as it is.
“When you have a doctor like mine, you can do just about anything. He’s the best doctor in the world. He doesn’t ever say anything is medically unnecessary, or ill-advised, or impossible. All you gotta say to him is, ‘Doc, I want a 30-inch penis,’ and you know, all he’s gonna say is, ‘What should I do with the gorilla carcasses?”
Anonymous sources inside the White House assert that the executive order will ease a lot of the tensions surrounding Trump’s most controversial policy agendas, such as erecting massive border walls, depriving millions of healthcare, escalating military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq and Syria, and all the other policy goals that can only be described as the masturbatory wishlist of a crazed despot.
“With an executive order like this, we can all rest just a little bit more soundly,” said one anonymous White House staffer. “We won’t wake up to any more 3 a.m. tweet sessions because he was up all night measuring himself. We won’t have to break out into a sweat every time he reaches to touch a world leaders’ wife and briefly lose sight of his hands. We might even be able to have cameras in the White House briefings once again, because we won’t have to worry anymore about Trump barging in unannounced to try to whip it out for the whole world to see. Frankly, we all should celebrate this executive order.”
The executive order also notes that it is now a felony to refer to Trump’s Little Manafort as anything shorter than 30 inches, and should only be described glowingly, with adjectives such as “Yuge” and “Gargantuan.” Although, it should also be noted that anonymous reports suggest that, shortly after the executive order was signed, Trump was heard referring to it as 40-inches — indicating that this might not be the last we hear about this issue.
North Korea is reportedly going to respond tomorrow morning by announcing that their first nuclear warhead-tipped ballistic missile has, in fact, been grafted onto Kim Jong-Un’s groin.
In other news, several groups filed lawsuits against Donald Trump, arguing that the new executive order now means that Trump’s claims he Schlonged Hillary Clinton during the Presidential campaign constitutes a threat of assault with a deadly weapon.
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