So as all of you know (and possibly are sick of hearing about!), K1 is in college. Last year after we dropped her off, a friend recommended I join a Facebook group for parents of high school and college students. I’m deliberately not naming it because privacy, but’s dedicated to supporting parents in our journey toward having independent adult children. It’s a place to vent, question, and encourage one another as our children navigate along their individual path, be it college, military, employment etc. It’s turned out to be something other than what I expected, but well worth staying in- a recent discussion being just one reason why. Please grab a beverage appropriate to how you’re feeling tonight (I just survived Middle School Curriculum Open House Night, so please make mine a nice 14% alcohol Malbec) and join me below the story break, after a word from our sponsor!
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First, a little bit of background so you understand what sort of membership this group has. It’s a national one as opposed to school-specific (I also belong to one of those) with thousands of members. I don’t know the exact demographics but it seems to my unscientific eyes to skew location-wise towards the South, Midwest and California, economically towards “how the HELL are we paying for this?”, and based on profile pictures of posters, pretty damned white. Politics and religion are, as with many affinity groups on FB not dedicated towards discussions of said topics, explicitly off the table. I get the sense based on questions/discussion topics posted and the comments generated, however, that a large portion of the membership (but not all!) is considerably more conservative than I in both those areas.
Having been there over a year, I’m seeing the “cycle” of topics:
Autumn:
College-aged kids
OMG I miss my DD or DS (Dear Daughter or Dear Son) soooooooo much!
OMG I am so pissed at DD/DS for not being in touch/having time for family at Homecoming!
DD/DS hates their roommate/floor/dining hall/classes/campus and should I intervene?
Who else uses a tracking app to see if their kid is in the dorms at night?
High School kids
College application questions/complaints/vents
Homecoming Dance brags/woes
My kid drank/used drugs/did something I disapprove of and I’m punishing them
Winter:
College:
My kid doesn’t want to come home for holidays/wants to bring significant other
My kid doesn’t appreciate all we do/thinks we are made of money
My kids grades sucked so I am punishing them by withholding tuition
Something Is Wrong at College Should I Intervene?
High School:
OMG the admissions drama!!!
Spring:
College:
FAFSA sucks
OMG they want to join a Greek Organization
WTF are they doing this summer?
Continuation of all other topics
High School:
They got accepted!!!
Shit we can’t afford it and this never occurred to us when they applied!
Prom (OMFG, the prom shit you would not beLIEVE)
SAT/ACT testing
Summer:
College:
My kid is home, YAY!!!
My kid is always sleeping/out w friends/having a life and I hate it.
My kid lives under my roof and I make the rules or they have to pay all their own stuff
High School:
Mattress Toppers (I kid you not, this is the number one topic ever) and whateverthehell we’re bringing to college for them.
I left out the 34827 posts that aren’t topically related but people post anyway, because most of the parents in what I now refer to at home as the Helicopter Group seem to have no other place to ask about recipes, air fare, where to go on vacation or what to do if their cat needs a new food.
So, I know you’re all thinking… what the HELL does any of this have to do with the title of tonight’s diary? Well… the reason I stay in this group besides feeling pretty good about Casa Brillig’s successful functionality as a family with an adult child, is that amidst all the mattress topper and “should I call the ResLife staff to say my DD needs the water temperature raised?” posts, sometimes really good discussions happen.
Recently, a parent posted looking for some solidarity from other parents in a similar situation: both parents as well as one child identify as either or both non-cisgender and nonheterosexual, and live in a place where they’re discriminated against. The discussion was simultaneously uplifting, depressing, and a microcosm of both privilege, inherent bias, and the America we live in today.
- Many people expressed that their families were not cis-n-straight, or that they were but consider themselves allies.
- Many people shared stories either of acceptance in their communities, schools and houses of worship.
- (Too many, alas) others shared their experiences with acts of bigotry, homophobia or transphobia.
- And then there were the type I am sure you’re all familiar with…
“Why do we need labels? Love is love no matter the person.”
“I don’t see sexual orientation or gender identity, #allpeoplematter”
“I don’t even know what any of those words like non-binary or pansexual mean”
A number of us tried to explain why saying things like that aren’t helpful and in fact help to perpetuate the climate of intolerance, hatred and fear of other that exists today. Also, that being able to say “labels don’t matter” or “Saying ‘I don’t see <characteristic>’ is an immense privilege that those living the experience don’t get to choose”. Yes, that cued the massive misinterpretation of the context of the word privilege in this sense.
This is (paraphrased) my contribution to the discussion: It’s a giant honkin’ level of privilege not to ‘need to know’ words like transgender, non-binary, pansexual, or to say you don’t see people ‘that way, as labels’. It is way the hell more of an expression of allyship to not NEED to know them and to know them anyway.
The comments continue still to be added, primarily by (yes, you guessed it) people irked that their ability “not to see labels” was called out for being what it is. The usual cries of “my right to believe what I want is being oppressed!” came in right on schedule. BUT- there’s evidence that other eyes are opening to a world they didn’t know existed, and rather than being scared, they’re being curious. Open.
This is why I wade through eleventy four thousand prom pictures and posts from parents wondering if they should help Johnny edit his Common App Essay (TL;DR answer “the fuck are you NUTS? No”). Because somewhere in this large group of people, learning is happening. And I learn too, getting out from my bubble of friends who in general understand and share many of my beliefs and practices.
So before you get to what you really came here for, the trio of Top Comments, Mojo and Pictures that make up this longrunning diary series and which are here tonight thanks to my collaboration with my dear friend BeninSC, let me leave you with answers to your most burning questions:
1. Yes, they need a mattress topper. 3” is best. Bed, Bath and Beyond and wait for a 20% off coupon.
2. Do NOT intervene unless DD/DS has tried and gotten no traction, or you are worried about their mental health/safety.
3. Your child does NOT need you to spend 5 months planning their room decorations. It is their room NOT yours. Also applies to their friends, activities and choice of classes.
4. Yes, they really do make sure no one else at the school wears the same prom dress. Yes, it’s ridiculous. Do NOT try to circumvent this or your child will be a pariah.
5. You are NOT the only person/family ever to have this happen. I promise. Also, Search is your friend.
Brillig's ObDisclaimer: The decision to publish each nomination lies with the evening's Diarist and/or Comment Formatter. My evenings at the helm, I try reeeeallllyy hard to publish everything without regard to content. I really do, even when I disagree personally with any given nomination. "TopCommentness" lies in the eyes of the nominator and of you, the reader - I leave the decision to you. I do not publish self-nominations (ie your own comments) and if I ruled the world, we'd all build community, supporting and uplifting instead of tearing our fellow Kossacks down.
Note: Please remember that comment inclusion in Top Comments does not constitute support or endorsement by diarist, formatter, Top Comments writers or DailyKos. Questions, complaints or comments? Contact brillig.
From BeninSC:
Comes this comment by slksfca because of its insight into life as a penguin! In samanthab’s Toosdai Critters diary.
I am also recommending this comment by blue jersey mom, on the folly of moving health care decisions to the states. Also read this fine reply by skohayes, discussing what Kansas did along those lines.
Highlighted by firewise:
Is this comment by OregonOak on a shift in Democratic politics toward the principles of FDR, and embracing the concept of leading!
Highlighted by pcm12345:
Is this wonderfully in-your-face comment by keithl, that has the backs of DREAMERS.
Highlighted by morris22:
Is this comment graphic by bakenako, in lynn47’s diary on the John Kelly face palm at the UN, that also depicts much of what life is like in the era of 45.
From yours truly, brillig:
For those of us (including diarist Mark Sumner) who made it through the agony that was Trump's UN General Assembly address today, MemoryCells has the best pun I've seen all day.
Top Mojo ala mik!
For Monday, September 18, 2017, first comments and tip jars excluded. Thank you mik for the mojo magic! For those of you interested in How Top Mojo Works, please see his diary on the subject.
Top Pictures
2017-09-19, courtesy of jotter!