What Republicans Blame the Texas Power Failure On
The latest culprits:
Windmills, The Green New Deal, AOC, Nancy Pelosi's meatloaf recipe, Joe Biden's dogs, Jewish space lasers set to "Mega Freeze", holes in the border wall, Obamacare, solar panels, antifa's ice cube catapults, squirrels with wire cutters, book learnin', the saboteurs in the secret tunnels under all the Walmarts that the federal government dug during Operation Jade Helm-15, that !&#!!*$ Beto guy, gay marriage, abortion, gay abortion, abortion marriage, California, vote-by-mail, socialism, Bill Gates’ un-meltable snowballs, that butterfly that flapped its wings in Bangladesh in 1645, George Soros and his invisible clone army, those uppity El Pasoans and their hoity-toity 2011"preemptive power grid upgrades," and Gary in accounting.
Please bookmark this page as this list will be updated frequently.
Continued...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 24, 2021
Note: To avoid cabin fever, don’t live in a cabin. Hugs, Heloise
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Polar Bear Day: 3
Number of days during which flags will fly at half-staff, via President Biden's order, in memory of the 500,000 victims of Covid-19: 5
Years it would take if you did one eulogy a day for each victim: 1,400
Percent of Americans who approve of President Biden’s handling of the coronavirus—including 66% of independents—via the latest Gallup poll: 67%
Amount by which Dominion Voting Systems is suing the pillow huckster guy: $1.3 billion
Percent chance that George Clooney and Smokehouse Pictures are producing a docu-series about the decades-long abuse scandal in the athletic department at Ohio State University, which Rep. Jim Jordan is up to his eyeballs in: 100%
Century during which the earliest observances of Purim, which starts Thursday evening, are believed to have started: 5th B.C.
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 4 false prophets and a gaggle of 150-foot critic-killing angels). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: New garbage dispose-all...
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CHEERS to things that keep Republicans up at night. After seeing how successful vote-by-mail was during the 2020 election, the GOP is trying to push every button and pull every lever they have to prevent it from ever happening again. But they're really pushin' a big rock uphill, because Americans of every make and model are saying, "We likee!"
The poll, conducted by the independent firm Strategies 360 and Voting Rights Lab, found that 74% of Americans believe voters should have the ability to cast absentee ballots by mail in future elections―an idea that enjoys support from 62% of Republicans and even stronger majorities of independent and Democratic voters. Among all voters, 70%support the widespread adoption of no-excuse absentee voting, in which voters can apply to have ballots mailed to them in advance of the election without providing a reason.
Two-thirds of voters also said they would favor expanding early voting periods ahead of Election Day, the poll found. … And 90%of respondents who said they had cast absentee ballots for the first time in2020 reported that they were satisfied with the experience.
You might say that the people have given vote-by-mail their…"stamp of approval." But only if you want to see the person you're saying it to scrunch up their face and tell you to stop being so immature. Trust me. I have experience in these matters.
JEERS to Trump's giant carving knife. That's pretty much the only role his stupid wall (and signature campaign promise) has played down at the border, slashing through conservation areas and destroying sacred tribal lands. And for what? Absolutely nothing. The damn thing can still be gotten over or gotten under…and Mexico didn’t pay a peso of the tab. So now what? As with everything #45 touched, it'll be up to his Democratic successor to undo the damage:
With Trump now out of the White House, conservationists, tribal leaders and others are hopeful President Joe Biden will take immediate action to not just halt construction but dismantle the parts of Trump’s wall that have encroached on vulnerable ecosystems and sacred lands. It remains to be seen, however, what the new president plans to do with the controversial structure. […]
Vanda Felbab-Brown, a Brookings Institution security expert, rattled off some of [the consequences] earlier this month: “Trump’s wall has been enormously environmentally destructive, depleting water sources and destroying aquifers, as well as damaging mountain landscapes and sensitive ecosystems that could take centuries to recover.”
Trump’s wall also desecrated land considered sacred to Native Americans, including destroying at least one ancient burial site using dynamite, and created a physical barrier dividing the communities of the Tohono O’odham Nation whose land straddles the border.
I think they should tear down all the offending sections, melt down the steel, and forge it into a glorious border sculpture worthy of Trump's legacy in American history: a giant middle finger pointed at Mar-A-Lago.
JEERS to Spittle Fest USA. If you’re wondering what that awful smell is wafting from down south, we might have an idea: tomorrow marks the start of the annual knee-slappin' hootenanny that is the CPAC convention. The staunch right-wing defenders of the Jesus-blessed heartland states are holding it this year in Florida instead of their usual D.C. digs, probably because half of ‘em would be arrested at the site of their January 6th crime scene. Usual stuff this year: anger, rage, brain-shrinkage, tried-and-failed ideas, madness, pretzel-twisted logic, xenophobia, homophobia, immigrant-o-phobia, Islamophobia, isolationism, gun love, and enough fake news to choke a goat. Plus exciting discussions about the groundbreaking new Republican agenda of secession, privatization of everything, walls, annexation of the vagina, arming all the teachers, and lots of panels on how—[checks notes]—Hillary Clinton is really the president but no one knows because she’s wearing the face of Joe Biden, whom she murdered. Of course, the real action gets underway after the sun—and the zippers—go down:
Praise the Lord and pass the fur-lined handcuffs.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to high high-fives. They made it way more complicated than necessary, but the deed is finally done. Adults can now roll up a fat one in New Jersey and mellow out:
More than three years after he took office with hopes of legalizing marijuana in 100days, Gov. Phil Murphy signed three bills that together launch a marijuana industry in New Jersey and put an end to thousands of arrests.
But it took more than a marijuana-friendly governor to make reform a reality. There were years of failed legislative attempts, a ballot question that garnered more than 2.7 million votes in favor and three months of negotiations on tax revenue, licensing rules and the ultimate hangup that nearly killed the effort: penalties for those under 21 caught with marijuana. […]
“As of this moment, New Jersey’s broken and indefensible marijuana laws which permanently stained the records of many residents and short-circuited their futures, and which disproportionately hurt communities of color and failed the meaning of justice at every level, social or otherwise—are no more,” he said Monday afternoon during his briefing on the coronavirus in Trenton.
As the "reefer madness" sham collapses under the weight of its own stupidity, this is another sign that weed is on its way to national legalization. Among other facts: marijuana doesn’t kill people…but the underground distribution method sure does. So bring it out of the shadows, tax it, regulate it, let people hang out a shingle, and make it a boring old part of life. Then the police can focus on more important things…[two, three, four]…like DOUGHNUTS HA HA HA!!!
CHEERS to rendering Rachel Maddow speechless. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it's a wonder to behold. Eleven years ago today, despised Louisiana governor, failed presidential nominee and creepy exorcism advocate Bobby Jindal loped into a southern foyer scented with jasmine and gave his famous "Welcome to Mayberry" response to President Obama's address to Congress. The ensuing rhetorical disaster, during which, among other things, he invoked the government response to Katrina as an example of why Republicans should be trusted more than Democrats, provided an unforgettable moment in mass pundit shock…
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A few years back Jindal had a brief moment of lucidity when he called the GOP "The stupid party." Little did we know back then that he apparently meant it as a compliment.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 24, 2011
JEERS to predictable behavior. It's a plot line so trite that everyone knows it by heart: Villain tries to carry out grand evil scheme. Villain gets caught trying to carry out grand evil scheme. Villain takes hostages, threatens to terminate them if he isn’t allowed to escape with his booty. And we know how it usually ends: after his gun jams, villain frantically tries to escape, slips on his own spittle, goes crashing through window, lands on roof of his own limo, roll credits. Such a scenario is playing out in Wisconsin, where Governor Scott Walker's grand evil union-busting scheme has hit a brick wall. So…bring on the hostages:
Speaking to camera, Walker repeated his threat of layoffs to come, if 14 state Senate Democrats who skipped town to prevent a vote from taking place, don't return to Madison. … "Failure to act on this budget repair bill means at least 1,500 state workers will be laid off before the end of June," he said. "If there's no agreement by July 1, another 5-6,000 state workers as well as 5-6,000 local government employees would also be laid off."
Translation: "If you come back and destroy the unions voluntarily, I won’t have to do it myself." Somewhere in an undisclosed location, Dr. Evil is saying to Mini Me: "Okay, now that guy knows evil!" To be continued…
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a sure sign of spring. Pardon my French, but f*ck the groundhog. (Oops…I think I just made Rick Santorum faint.) I feel warmer already, just knowing that the full-squad workouts for the Boston Red Sox started Monday. Chad Finn at The Boston Globe has all the nitty-gritty stats, but the bottom line is…
Among MLB and the NFL, NBA, and NHL, the only other franchises to win as many as the Red Sox’ four championships since the start of 2002 are the New England Patriots (6), San Antonio Spurs (4), and Los Angeles Lakers (4).
You’d never know that listening to us, would ya? Imagine telling your devastated October 1978 self, or your crushed October 1986 self, or your bitter October 2003 self that there would be a time someday when they’d have won four World Series championships in a 19-year span, and we’d still be finding ways to be fed up with them.
Not this year. In the immortal words of my next-door neighbor Gary Palpatine to the current World Series-stealing Dodgers and all the rest: "Wipe them out. Allll of them."
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Bill in Portland Maine's Grand Return to the Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool Makes a…Ripple
—Mediaite
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