FYI – This employment acceptance memo was leaked to your intrepid reporter by a Trump administration official disappointed they weren’t chosen for the Trump Grand Inquisition Bureau.
March 15, 2018
Dear Comrade:
Now that a Clintonite weasel has told the Fake News Media about our loyalty purge program at the State Department, we have decided to accelerate senior staffing of the Trump Grand Inquisition Bureau. After minimal consideration and zero vetting, we are pleased to offer you the position of Deputy Grand Inquisitor and serve in the very great administration of President Donald J. Trump.
The detailed, illuminating references from Presidents Assad of Syria and Duterte of the Philippines were testament to your talents for humiliating, dominating, blackmailing, pathological lying and utilizing enhanced loyalty enforcement techniques. These sociopath skills fit the qualifications of the office quite well in the service to Make America Great Again and Keep America Great through the guidance of the greatest and smartest and most honest president in American history.
Goals: Your office must reach a weekly purge quota of 200 #MAGA traitors from the satanic, snake-infested swamp of the federal government & Congress. If they don’t have a #MAGA hat at the office and home, a portrait-sized picture of our magnificent leader in their office and home, and if they don’t swear absolute loyalty to the greatest leader in #MAGA history, these Deep State spies are to be immediately demoted to the custodial staff no matter their position. You are then to refer their cases to the Grand Inquisition Action Bureau for further interrogation and subsequent public humiliation by our pundit enforcer allies at Fox News. They have promised to start a regular feature titled “America’s Most Wanted #MAGA Traitors.”
For the purge of each Obamaite spy over the weekly quota of 200, your commission of $10,000 per head will kick in. You are charged with leading and staffing 6,000 inquisition agents and creating a civilian informant force not seen since the glory days of the Stasi. You are also required to oversee the Kompromat bureau to specifically deal with the traitorous vermin in Congress. A quick public scandal disposal/humiliation of Democrat subversives Nancy Pelosi & Tweet-shade master Ted Lieu will lead to bonuses of $50,000 each. Do not concern yourself with the #WitchHunt traitor Mueller. We have a separate office set up to cut him to size.
Additional Duties: You are to leak political dirt about Deep State spies to our friends at Fox News daily and if possible, become a BFF with Sean Hannity. You can leak to the Fake News syndicate at will but please coordinate occasionally with the WH propaganda bureau to maximize distractions. You must retweet every dear leader tweet and use the key words #WitchHunt, #CrookedHillary, #DraintheSwamp and, of course, #MAGA at every opportunity.
We approved the following set of perks financed by grateful taxpayers:
- The Zinke protocol grants you a once daily bugle call to announce your arrival at the office and new gold-bordered doors with your family crest.
- The DeVos option provides 24/7 security protection by a 24-person detail.
- The Carson gambit allows for $50,000 for new office furniture with additional funding for traveling interrogation vans to help subjects realize their predicament.
- Because your duties require frequent travel throughout the empire, the Mnuchin plan grants you unlimited private and military jet service.
- The Pruitt standard grants you $80,000 to have private and secure phone booths in your office and at home. You are also encouraged to enhance your income through creative office bookkeeping and with private sector consulting in the loyalty enforcement field.
The FBI said there was no way you could ever be granted a permanent security clearance given your ‘colorful’ past but the great leader dispenses temporary ones like cheeseburgers.
As we talked about in your interview, in addition to enforcing loyalty to very excellent President Trump, we will set a new standard for Banana Republic plunder and in less than 15 months we have made impressive inroads. Speaking for our magnificent and great President Trump, I welcome you to the most important mission of your life. By serving him with unquestioned obedience, you serve yourself until he gets bored and purges you. C’est la vie.
Regards,
M. Bulgakov
Trump Grand Inquisition Bureau
White House Personnel Office Annex
Moscow, Russia
Michael McCord, the former political editor and columnist of the Portsmouth (N.H.) Herald, is an award-winning journalist and writer. He is the author of the Real America political satires The Execution Channel: A Political Fable and the forthcoming sequel End Times: More Great Adventures in Real America. You can follow him on Twitter @mmgolfer