Yeah, right, no.
I awakened this morning and poked at the computer in all the usual places and got mostly the usual results—abbreviated pundits, the Captains Obvious at the Post and Times, Facebook offering to boost Abandoned Furniture for ten bucks—until I came to the Twitter machine and was informed:
What did I do? Too many responses to Trump bots with factual sources? Too many reposts of Troll Factory? Too many reminders that the president wants to bang his daughter? The twitter gods must have a reason…
Well, that’s really nice and all, though spending excessive time on social media is maybe an indication that I am alone. But when did I ever advocate suicide or self-harm? I’m much more a do-unto-others type. What in the world are they talking about?
Ah. I see. The good people of twitter are afraid that my worldwide fame and limitless influence might lead to
1. The president of the United States actually reading something.
2. My persuading said president to procure a Tide pod and a Lego and,
3. Using said items in manners contraindicated by their manufacturers to cause self-harm to said president.
Well, dang, are these twitter people the most polite and compassionate folk you’ve ever seen or what? It’s amazing that their lightning-fast tech, in a scant three months, was able to find my cry for help and rush to my aid. Why, had I been in a suicidal mood when I posted that, I’d barely be leathery and desiccated by now. I owe their Emotional Rescue Squad a sincere thank you.
Or maybe not. I’m thinking it far more likely that some MAGoid twitterite found my February response to Himself and cried, cried, cried to the twitter gods that I was “promoting suicide or self-harm” to get the post deleted.
Because that post, far from being an expression of ennui or self-loathing, actually made me feel pretty good.
Update: Per their request, I have sent the Twitter “support team” the following response:
You're assuming
1. Donald Trump reads as well as tweets
2. I have any influence over Donald Trump
3. ANYONE has any influence over Donald Trump
4. Wishing someone steps on a Lego is worthy of lockout but encouraging Iranians to overthrow their government or Kim Jong Un to start a nuclear war or calling your site's users "pigs," "dogs," "losers," "weak," "sad" "liars," "bad," "incompetent," "stupid," "frauds," "dumb," "dishonest," "lightweight," "disasters," "disgraceful," "clowns" and "the worst" is a-ok.
Your message purports concern for my safety. I find it hard to believe that your lightning-fast bots found a post considered a cry for help from a suicidal person and you had no reaction FOR THREE MONTHS. What incredibly painstaking method did you think I would be using?
It strikes me as much more likely that you received a complaint from a Trump supporter about my post and were punked into locking my account on a bogus "self-harm" argument.
Instead of deleting my post, I am requesting that you unlock my account and lock the account of the user who wasted your time and abused your site reporting rules.