Rather than quibble with Mr. Brooks's genius, I say we go with it. Let's science the hell out of this thing. Here are some other things that scientists no doubt have overlooked, when calculating the level of sea level rise we can expect from DEFINITELY NOT THE MELTING OF ICE SHEETS WORLDWIDE unknown, mysterious sources.
Mo Brooks Theoretical Cause #2: Boats. We have a lot more boats these days. What if, like, us building all those boats is what's displacing water and causing Florida to gradually disappear. We should probably keep burning fossil fuels but stop building boats.
Mo Brooks Theoretical Cause #3: No, wait, not boats, whales. What if, and hear me out on this one, rising sea levels can be directly attributed to the international ban on whaling. What if the ban on whale hunting is leading whale populations to rebound so quickly that all the extra whales are causing sea levels to rise, and if we continue to let whales run amok soon we will all be flooded with whales. Whales in the flooded streets, whales in the subways, whales roaming freely through our larger sewer systems, hunting for krill. What if our 19th century shift away from a whale-based economy turns out to be the thing that doomed us all.
Mo Brooks Theoretical Cause #Q: That Chinese satellite that just fell. It fell into the ocean, right? I forget, but it seems like that was pretty big so that's maybe a thing.
Mo Brooks Theoretical Cause #ampersand: The damn kids today. Kids are always throwing rocks into the ocean. Scientists have determined that if all the world's kids gathered at the White Cliffs of Dover to throw rocks in, the White Cliffs of Dover would be reduced to the White Flat Plains of Dover within a single decade.
Mo Brooks Theoretical Cause #DoctorsDon’tWantYouToKnow: Wait, what if the oceans aren't rising at all ... what if the Earth is shrinking? So, like, it's the same amount of water but every year gravity is causing the planet to shrink a little. It could be that. Scientists are dumb and probably didn't think of that because of their dumbness.
Now see there? We could have mocked Mr. Brooks, but we did not. Instead we constructively engaged with him. We're meeting him halfway.
I would like to humbly suggest that if House Republicans set me up with an appropriate source of funding—say, a few billion dollars—I will science the heck out of all these possibilities, definitively answering them once and for all. I will do all the sciences. I will use calculators, and slide rules, and write down numbers and everything, and report back with a definitive header and choice of fonts.
It is, after all, the only way to be sure.
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