OK...so things are not all that great in our nation at the moment for a great many of us. Certainly you could not blame any person with a soul or a conscience or a heart for being depressed lately.
The problem is...what you are feeling is probably not TRUE DEPRESSION. The first problem is that so few in our society actually understand what true depression actually is, It’s more than sadness. It’s more than simple grief. It definitely is NOT the righteous anger many of us feel towards this criminal Administration running our country into the ground.
A lot of you may think you are depressed...or think you know someone who is. So...to start with, I think it’s a good idea to examine what depression actually IS. I speak as a lifelong sufferer of chronic acute depression of the agitated type (this is an official diagnosis by the way.)
In layman’s terms, what this means is that I suffer from repeated, severe bouts with depression. The bouts, however, DO require an outside trigger. They do not just happen for no apparent reason as happens with those who are bipolar. But this isn’t about me. It’s about depression. It’s about suffering. It’s about the often sincere desire people have to help...yet, people who want to help so often do exactly the wrong things...even while meaning well.
As a society, we do NOT handle mental illness very well. We don’t take it seriously. We are not comfortable with it. And it shows in the way that people...well-meaning people even, try to “help” us when we are depressed. And so many say they are depressed, without a clear understanding of what depression REALLY IS.
As I said, depression is more than simple sadness or grief. It sure as hell is not the anger many of us feel right now...directed outward. In fact, it’s quite the opposite...depression, quite literally, is anger directed INWARD.
Of course, there are many forms of depression...I can only speak with real knowledge...on the form with which I suffer. So, to start with, a good idea would be to list some of the signs and symptoms that you or someone you love is actually suffering true depression. Generally, you will not check every mark on my list below, but if you are checking all or most of them, chances are good you are suffering some form of depression:
Persistent anxious, sad or “empty” mood
Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, or pessimism
Insomnia...or oversleeping (including inability to sleep at appropriate times or sleeping — or wanting to — at inappropriate times)
Feelings of guilt and/or worthlessness
Loss of interest in hobbies/activities that were once pleasurable
Decreased energy/increased fatigue
Restlessness or visible agitation, often with no immediately apparent cause
Appetite/weight changes (both weight gain and weight loss can apply here)
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions and/or completing tasks
Thoughts of death or suicide (suicidal ideation)...or actual attempts
Physical symptoms, including aches and pains or digestive issues that do not resolve, even with treatment...with no readily apparent physical cause
Irritability/snappishness
This list is by no means comprehensive...but if someone you love is experiencing all or most of these things, it’s a good bet they are having a bout with depression. Many, like myself, who have lived with depression our entire lives...have gotten pretty good at knowing, for ourselves, when we are entering into a bout with true depression. When we do, we often have a lack of motivation to even do something about it...even though we know what is going on (this is another hazard of depression.)
Sometimes, we scream out for help...sometimes we suffer in silence. Sometimes, the cry for help...is the manifestation of the symptoms I have mentioned. Very seldom are we heard...REALLY HEARD. As I write this at the moment...I am in one of my own bouts. I recognize it. I’m not a silent sufferer, never was. When I am depressed, people around me usually know it. At least people who really know me and are paying attention. Some of us are more subtle than others. Subtlety was never one of my strong points.
Another common manifestation...which you will see in people that are mere acquaintances...is an almost frenetic energy and a boisterousness not normally appropriate...know this for what it is — this is an attempt to hide/mask what we are feeling. I have referred to this as the wall that we build. We build it to prevent people from getting close. We do it because we are afraid of being hurt.
The problem is that so often, well-meaning people who want to help...often actually hurt us in their sincere attempt and desire to help. Because, as a society and as individuals...we do NOT deal well with mental illness. We are not COMFORTABLE with it. And we don’t react well when we don’t see IMMEDIATE RESULTS.
This entire Diary is coming about as a result of a comment I made on Twitter towards a person talking about depression — who obviously is a well-meaning person...who also has no real clue how to help us. Worse...this guy is making it about HIM...because he got offended at what I said to him, trying to correct his thinking about how to best help someone with depression.
With that in mind, I will try to attach the Tweet that kicked this whole thing off…
And now my response to this…
and now….his response to me…
Are you seeing a pattern here? This is a guy who — I think...believes he has suffered depression himself and in fact hasn’t. And has no real idea how to help those of us that do/are. Do you notice how his responses seem to make this ALL ABOUT HIM...and how offended HE is...at my words??
Now, I do admit...if I were not, myself, in a state of depression at this very moment, were I not going through one of my many bouts...my responses may have been a little different. But the essential message would have been the same.
So...what’s the takeaway here??
The takeaway is that...even those who sincerely want to help...don’t know how. They are not comfortable with the other person’s state of depression. Does this person REALLY BELIEVE...that nobody every told us we were loved?
The problem is...when we are in this dark place...the words ring really, really hollow. They sound like empty platitudes, and they sound insincere...if they reach us at all. This is why often the best thing to say, when dealing with someone who is depressed...is to say nothing. In other words:
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN!!
This is the first and most important way to actually help someone who is suffering from depression. Often, depression comes about from feeling like we are not heard. And we do NOT feel loved when we are in this place. And saying that you love us...is empty, hollow, meaningless. It often causes more harm than good, if you want the cold truth here.
Don’t tell us you love us...SHOW US THAT YOU DO. Here are some ways you can do this:
1. LISTEN
2. Physical contact, if possible. TOUCH US...if we will let you. Sometimes, we won’t. Don’t be offended if we don’t and don’t keep trying to if we pull away. Doing so will shove us further away. It will cause us to retreat even further into the “safe space” we have built for ourselves...the wall I was talking about earlier. And if you have been listening...you know this is a very dark place...but one which feels safe for us. The truth is it is a very dangerous and unhealthy place for us to be. So...how to reach us and get us out...if that is your true desire?? Read on:
For many of us...from this dark place...we feel like your real motivation is to assuage YOUR OWN DISCOMFORT...not ours. There’s a reason why animals are far better at dealing with a depressed person than people are. Because they just plain listen. And they feel. They show it. I cannot tell you the number of times my dog has rescued me from this dark place.
Part of why I am writing all of this...is my own recent break, about three months ago, that landed me in emergency evaluation...and my own stated desire, at that point...to #EndTheStigma...and to own up, publicly...to my own lifelong suffering. To NOT build another wall...and instead try to build ME. I even made a 45-minute YouTube video after this last break. Most people viewing it would not even recognize the person in that video.
I am still on what you could call the Struggle Bus. I have a long way to go, and I know this. And there will be bumps in the road, such as what I am currently experiencing.
Now...if the guy on Twitter had given me a chance, instead of immediately taking offense (because it was always about him and never REALLY about the depressed person) — I would have told him there is a place in this for telling the person they are loved. BUT THAT COMES LATER. And platitudes like “It Gets Better” are harmful as all hell. I know you all think you mean well. But PLEASE stop saying that!! “It Gets Better” is a goddamn lie meant to make the speaker of the words feel better.
3. STOP MAKING IT ABOUT YOU. Stop making it about the desire to DO SOMETHING. Usually, this comes from a place of your own discomfort with our current state...and not a real, sincere desire to help. We — at that moment...need for you to LISTEN. We need for you to show us that you love us. Don’t tell us you do...not verbally. Tell us with your actions and reactions. Believe it or not, from that dark place...we are very very attuned to your actions and reactions. We are NOT attuned to your words.
You may not IMMEDIATELY see it when you are reaching us. Do not give up. But if it is becoming clear that we are pushing away...go back to listening...to touching. Repeat back to us things we are saying...preferably by paraphrase. This lets us know you ARE listening...and that, more importantly, you are HEARING. In fact, at this point, it is a very good idea to say “I hear you.”
If I — in the course of talking to you...tell you I am depressed because my economic situation sucks...and that it is because I am discriminated against for being trans (this, by the way happens, in my case, to be the most common trigger for my own depression...again...I am speaking to personal experience here) — take that in. LISTEN. Now...tell me...”yeah, that really sucks. Discrimination is so not fair or right. You should not have to deal with that.”
This tells me that you have HEARD me. That you have listened...and that you ave empathy for what we are feeling. This is now the place where a hug...or even a hand on the shoulder...or holding our hand...can help. Physical contact is a good thing. And we’re more likely to allow it...if we feel you really have heard...and that you REALLY DO CARE. If you have taken the time and effort to establish trust.
The problem is this is not easily or quickly achieved. Hence the reason those who are well-meaning and want to help...skip steps. Which is exactly the wrong thing to do and will cause us to retreat further into the dark place. People who want to help become easily frustrated if we don’t IMMEDIATELY respond. This tells us that it isn’t really about US...that it is instead about the other person’s discomfort with what we are feeling.
As a society, we don’t deal well with “less than immediate” results. This is one reason why so much of mental-health treatment focuses on the symptoms...rather than the actual cause. It’s why they would rather just give us pills that “help.” Hint: They don’t. What they do is to HELP YOU. They help you because now you don’t have to deal with the discomfort our state causes YOU.
As I was saying to the guy on Twitter...so often, people talk us down and off that proverbial ledge we have walked out upon...and then feel real good about themselves for having done so...but then they do NOTHING about what actually caused us to walk out onto that ledge in the first place. Which means that the ledge is real estate we are likely to visit again and again. FOLLOWUP IS KEY HERE...if someone you really love is in a state of depression.
Call them back in a day or two. Check up on them. Take them out for a cup of coffee...draw them slowly out of themselves. Always be mindful that trust gained in this process is very easily lost through a misstep...even a well-meaning one...so be attentive to their reactions...and if they start pulling away...give them the space they are trying to take...and let them know you are still there. This is where LISTENING...and repeating back what was said is helpful..it re-establishes trust.
We are not sick. We are not contagious. Don’t treat us as if we are. Many, many people do this unconsciously. And don’t let us pull too far away. It’s a tightrope to walk, to be sure. You may really save a life. Not an existence...a physical life. But an actual life with some meaning. THIS is how you show real love for us.
And thank you for listening to me.
Now...by way of closing this off...I want to talk to to those who are suffering depression right now...and tell you a few ways you can start to help yourself. Because you have to also have an active role in this. You have to want to be helped. And from the dark place...it’s hard to want that help. That dark place is so seductive, because it feels so safe. It isn’t. It’s dangerous as hell.
Here’s a few things you can do.
1. If you have a pet...this is often the very best medicine I know. Your pet will know you are feeling bad...and likely will begin to act in a different way around you...trying to draw you out. Just pet them and talk to them. Even if they can’t understand your words, believe me they do understand your feelings. Their reactions to you are proof of it.
2. Get some exercise, preferably outdoors. A long walk. Just take in things on your walk. Notice the beauty of nature around you...let it fill you. Know that there is beauty in the world...even when it is hard to see in society.
3. Accomplish something. Anything. Once, when I was in a bad depression in my early thirties...I spent two whole days...cleaning my apartment top to bottom. I even pulled out the fridge and cleaned behind it. When I was done the place sparkled. And when I got done...I felt like I’d really accomplished something. And thus I proved to myself I could do things. Engage in a hobby or activity you have enjoyed. Accomplish even something small. Baby steps. Celebrate the small victories along the path.
4. Call a friend or family member. I know that reaching out to anyone...when you are in the seductive, dark, “safe” place that is in fact dangerous...is very difficult to do. But try to do it.
5. Try to force yourself back to a regular sleeping cycle, and resist the temptation to sleep off cycle. There is plenty of evidence that depression and circadian rhythm disorders are interrelated.
The hardest thing to do...when you are really depressed...is to love yourself. But it’s essential...if you want to get out of that dark place. After a lifetime of battling with chronic acute depression...I know how hard it is...because, as I said...the dark place feels so safe. It feels like a place nobody can hurt you. The problem with it is that YOU are hurting you by staying there.
These are the things I am learning in my own ongoing battle. They are hard truths that you are going to have to learn for yourself. If you are really depressed...you are going to not believe what I just said. You are going to be just like Dorothy in Oz. The ruby slippers always had the power to bring Dorothy home. But Glinda could not just TELL Dorothy this. She would not have believed it. She had to find it for herself.
My own battle continues. I do not pretend to be anywhere close to winning this battle. I may never fully win it. Accepting this...and realizing it is not a failing...is a first step. The only failing is if we quit trying. You will experience setbacks. It is not a personal failing if and when you do.
One more word to those who want to help those of us who are depressed: Don’t tell us to “count our blessings” or point out that others have it worse. We can’t see that from the dark place.
Again...if you have read this all the way through...thank you for listening. And I hope I have given a few tools to those who really want to help...to actually help. It is frustrating, and it is slow. You won’t see immediate results. You tell us all the time not to give up.
I AM TELLING YOU ALL TO NOT GIVE UP ON US!!
It’s easy to do that when you do not see the immediate results you want to see. Don’t do it. You could save a life. REALLY save a life.