From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: The Dotard Went Down to Dixie Edition
"President Trump met with the victims of Hurricane Florence. The victims said, 'This is the worst thing that's ever happened to us.' Then they talked about the hurricane."
---Conan O'Brien
"While touring hurricane damage in North Carolina, President Trump reportedly congratulated a resident on having a stranger's boat wash up in his yard, saying, ‘At least you got a nice boat out of the deal.’ Dude, you don't get to just keep things that wash up on shore. Though I'm assuming that's probably how you got Steve Bannon."
---Seth Meyers
"The Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh has hit a major snag due to a recent sexual misconduct allegation. Republicans have been critical of the timing of the misconduct allegation. They were like, 'This isn't how it works. You're supposed to find out we're creeps after we're confirmed. That's what we do."
---James Corden
2015 Clip of Brett Kavanaugh speaking at Georgetown Prep: What happens at Georgetown Prep stays at Georgetown Prep. That's been a good thing for all of us.
Samantha Bee: Oh, ha ha! It's kinda like my high school slogan: "Toronto Tigers---We Don’t Rape."
---Full Frontal
"To anyone out there who's saying 'boys will be boys': you should not be allowed to raise boys. Or girls. Maybe a plant."
---Stephen Colbert
"The FDA is said to be cracking down on teenage vaping. Vaping, for those who don't know, is the reason your Uber smells like pineapple turpentine whenever you get in it."
---Jimmy Kimmel
Come on down and splash. We’re using pumpkin spice-scented chlorine in the kiddie pool tonight. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 21, 2018
Health Note: Due to a late-night emergency room run this week that revealed our post-op period from last week's cancer surgery is going to be a bit more…oh, let's just say a little more post-oppy, we're going to be laying low recuperating this weekend, so there'll be no C&J on Monday. Back on Tuesday, though, with fresh 4"x4" gauze pads for all the good little boys and girls.
In the big picture, things look optimistic for a full recovery, which could only have been made possible by the onslaught of calls you made to your members of congress demanding they send all their thoughts and prayers my way. (Although, for reasons no one can explain, Virginia Foxx's thoughts and prayers got diverted to the patient across the hall, upon which his prostate swelled to the size of a soccer ball.) We still have six months of chemo ahead, but I hear this time the formula includes an IV drip of luxurious moisturizer that “softens arteries while you obliterate cancer.” As always, thanks for your patience during this minor speed bump on my way to immortality and world domination. When I finally claim the throne, I’m appointing you all to my Supreme Court.
---Captain CLAM (Courageous Laparoscopic Avenger Man)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the November 6th midterm elections: 46
Days 'til Festa Italiana Seattle: 8
Percent of the world that lived in poverty (considered living on less than $1.90 a day) in 2015, down from 11.2% in 2013 according to the World Bank: 10%
Increase in sales of political books this year: 25%
Number of boys featured in a dress code video produced by Marcus High School in Dallas that featured M.I.A.'s "Bad Girls" playing in the background: 0
Percent chance the backlash to the girls-only video it caused the principal to say it "totally missed the mark": 100%
Percent chance that Maumee Bay Brewing in Toledo makes an “Algae Bloom” beer to raise awareness of the toxic conditions on Lake Erie: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day In North Carolina: Saved!!!
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CHEERS to more Moore. He won’t necessarily save our universe from destruction, but the arrival of a new Michael Moore wake-the-fuck-up-umentary is always a joyful occasion in the BiPM household. We lived just up the road from Flint, Michigan when Roger and Me came out, and it was odd to be able to look out the window and see his inaugural documentary playing out in real time. Since then he's taken on gun violence, health care, the catastrophic Bush years, and the Great Recession with humor, eye-popping revelations, and sharp elbows. (The Kennedy Center folks would be wise to put him on their annual Honors radar.) Today his latest, Fahrenheit 11/9 (Watch the trailer here) drops in over 1,500 theaters (find one near you here) to an 81% "Fresh" rating at Rotten Tomatoes and boffo reviews like these…
"Moore hasn't lost his fire, or his touch for poking us in our collective consciousness (and consciences) to say, WAKE UP."
"What gives it its sear is its message of a ruptured country as eminently fixable, as long as wishing and hoping is replaced by organizing and doing."
"It's an incendiary film that is nothing less than a clarion call to save American democracy."
"What will be surprising to some is how little of the film is actually about Trump, and to be fair it's better the further Moore gets away from easy potshots at him."
"This isn't his smoothest film, but it's his fullest and most original. It's also his most urgent, which is really saying something."
Meanwhile the footage for my first documentary, Billy Watches Eight-Hour Magilla Gorilla Marathon in Diaper While Shunning His Creamed Corn: A Commentary on the State of Affairs in Post-Agrarian America, sits in their rusty cans for a 53rd year. (And Scorsese never returns my calls.)
CHEERS to the chilling season. Tomorrow night at 9:54 EDT the autumnal equinox will get its groove on and steal summer's mojo. Right on cue the flannel shirttails will be flappin' in the breeze and the trees will prep themselves to become nature's end-of-year fireworks display---big-time this year in New England. Although a bit on the late side, thank you global warming:
Typically by now, we have had a few tastes of fall, with a couple real chilly nights and cool, crisp days. This year has not been typical. After one of the warmest meteorological summers on record (June-July-August), September has started equally as warm. […]
So expect scattered pockets of color in northern New England in the next week and then a sudden burst to life in the 8-14 day range. Columbus Weekend can sometimes be a bit past peak in the highest elevations of the White and Green Mountains, but this year, with a delayed start, it may line up perfectly. […]
All-in-all it looks like an above-average foliage season in 2018, albeit delayed a week or two. As long as we avoid any major wind storms in the coming weeks that could take leaves off the trees prematurely we should be good to go!
Still, the transition to The Nippy Side does make everyday life more of a challenge. Biggest pain: putting on ten individual pairs of Gore-Tex toemuffs anytime the dog has to go out to pee. Here at the BiPM household we'll observe our usual solstice tradition: slurping a quart of steaming clam chowder from a dirty L.L. Bean boot.
CHEERS to America's favorite literary boogeyman. 71 skulls go on the cake of most-famous-Mainer Stephen King, born September 21, 1947 in Portland, just steps from where I live. (Okay, several thousand steps, but still) King is an unabashed Democrat who isn't afraid to speak his mind, which he occasionally does by blowing up twitter:
» The avowed pussy grabber defends the accused sexual predator. I’m shocked, I tell you, shocked
» IF Susan Collins votes to confirm Kavanaugh, and IF she runs for re-election—two bigs ifs—she will be defeated. It would be unwise for anyone to mistake how angry most Americans are at the way this is being railroaded through.
» Ted Cruz’s conservative sweethearts are spending millions to make sure he gets re-elected. … I’d love not to have to look at that smarmy little weasel for another six years. He’s the least Texas looking Texan I ever saw.
» Our governor, Paul LePage, is a bigot, a homophobe, and a racist. I think that about covers it.
» Up in Canada for a few days. Not many guns, but the health care is amazing. They take care of what’s wrong with you right away. And it’s really cheap.
» Today’s lesson: Don’t be Trump’s friend. He will fuck you at the drive-thru if you cross him. Ask Jeff Sessions.
» Space Force: I keep thinking of one of those old Saturday morning shows with puppets n shit. Retweet ONLY if you think this is possibly the dumbest idea out of Trump's admittedly dumb head so far. [Note: This got 43,000 retweets.]
» Little by little, Trump is isolating himself. Soon he'll be Oz the Great and Terrible: little man, big voice, hiding behind a curtain.
Today's special in the C&J watering hole, as always: half-off Redrum and Cokes.
JEERS to crazy Brits. 257 years ago this weekend, in 1761, George III was crowned King of England. His ascension seems to mirror a recent one here on our side of the pond:
"It was a sad day for the British Empire when King George became its political master.
He was a man of narrow intellect, and lacked every element of the greatness of statesmanship.
'He had a smaller mind,' says the British historian, [Peter] Green, 'than any English king before him save James II.'
He showered favors on his obsequious followers, while men of independent character whom he could not bend to his will became the objects of his hatred."
Sounds like a certain Jamaica, Queens-born jackass with a twitter addiction who hoisted his bloated carcass on our own throne twenty months ago. Anyway, thanks for the colonies, G-3! But, as always, you can keep the kidney pudding. And the haggis. And Boris Johnson.
JEERS to the backsliders among us. All the haters conservatives love most have gathered for the annual Values Voters Summit in the American heartland known as Washington, D.C. (I guess Kansas, Oklahoma, the Dakotas and Dixie were all booked up.) It's an event where conservative sheeple-herders get together and lay out a clear agenda for taking America forward to the 1890s, thus proving that they not only suck at math but chronology as well. Here's a little reminder of the intellectual brainpower on display at 2014’s convention that we can expect to be repeated this year:
“Don’t retreat! You reload with truth! Which I know is an endangered species at, uh, 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue...anyway truth.”
As usual, the anti-abortion fetishists will be there handing out their little plastic fetuses, almost all of which will end up in the trash. Thus confirming that there are two ways to spell irony, one of which is G-O-P.
CHEERS to great moments in naval warfare. On tomorrow’s date in 1779, during our War of Independence, Commodore John Paul George Ringo Jones, aboard the U.S.S. Bonhomme Richard (named as a tribute to Ben Franklin) engaged the British man-of-war Serapis in the North Sea. It was during this battle that Jones uttered the immortal words, "I have not yet begun to fight." Less known was the response from his crew: "Oh, so you came here fresh from the DSCC, then?”
CHEERS to home vegetation. Nice cool weekend coming up here---our cue to fire up the teevee for some quality couch time, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow juggling the Russia, Kavanaugh, and midterm madness chainsaws. Then on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Michael Moore, Thom Hartmann, PJ O'Rourke, right-winger Steve Hilton, and WaPost opinion writer Catherine Rampell. New home video releases include summer hits Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom and Oceans 8. The baseball schedule is here. (Boston clinched the AL East championship last night with the most season wins---104---since 1946), so tonight's Red Sox-Indians matchup will be watched just for the pure love of the game. Ahhhhhh…..) The football schedule is here. On 60 Minutes: the borg that Google has become, and wildlife photographer Thomas Mangelsen. And there’s a new edition of Last Week Tonight to wra up the weekend John Oliver-style Sunday at 11 on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Mazie!!! Also: U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley,
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: british Prime Minister Theresa May; Reps. Anna Eshoo (D-CA...and gesundheit) and Trey Gowdy (R-SC); new battleground state polls.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Secretary of State Mike Pompeo; Sen. Lindsey Graham spits more vile, misogynist statements against Christine Blasey Ford.
MSNBC’s A.M. Joy: Superior programming to all of the abive.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 21, 2008
JEERS to having AIG on our face. The Secretary of the Treasury, Henry the Cartoonishly Hulking James Bond Villain (all he needs is steel teeth), spoke on every Sunday news program, cooking show and infomercial over the weekend to allay fears of another Great Depression. His diagnosis: we're suffering from "a clog."
Paulson told ABC it was essential to prevent the financial system from clogging up, "because if it does clog up, this is going to have an adverse effect on people's abilities to get jobs, on their budgets, on their retirement savings, on lending for small businesses and so that's where the first priority has got to be."
No wonder the bailout is gonna be so damned expensive. We're hiring plumbers to do the job.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to"The Way Life Should Be." Big anniversary today. Twenty-five years ago---September 21, 1993---my partner Michael ("Common Sense Mainer" here on Planet Orange) and I arrived in the liberal paradise known as Portland, Maine, having escaped the rust-belt hamlet of Saginaw, Michigan (motto: "No Smiling: It Scares The Children"). We had no jobs, only a smidgeon of savings, and an apartment that gave us barely any heat but later did give us a January heating bill of $318.
A quarter century later we're still here and we still have nothing but kind words for our home (if you don't include the unprintable ones we have for our lunatic governor, who is thankfully leaving office in just over three months). Portland is constantly making “Best of” lists for awesomeness: most livable city, best place to retire, great place for dogs, the arts, working, playing, drinking, vacationing and, just recently, dining. And this year we’re again joining the handful of other cities that ditched Columbus Day observances in favor of Indigenous Peoples Day.
So, yeah---we love our little corner of the world, and we hope you feel the same way about yours. Coming up tonight: our annual good luck tradition of releasing our genetically-engineered Maine lobster into the wild. She’s 60 feet tall and weighs five tons. We call her Fluffy. The mayor calls her “code red!!!”
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering andjeering about today?
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