The Frog Court Magistrate peered down at me over the top of his glasses and began speaking.
“Redwoodman, you are charged with modifying a surface water body without obtaining the required permits, and without first completing an Environmental Assessment and allowing public comment on your project.”
“The charging sheet indicates that you completely dismantled one of your backyard ponds, and several fish died or disappeared when they were moved to a crowded holding area.”
“Furthermore, you transported Sunfish without the required Fish & Wildlife permit, and have added aquarium minnows to your backyard ponds, even though our neighboring state of Washington considers those minnows invasive.”
The Magistrate frowned.
“How do you plead, Redwoodman?”
I took a deep breath and held one hand with the other to stop them from shaking.
“I plead guilty, your honor,” I replied.
The courtroom erupted in chaotic yelling and shouts. Every other time I’d been in Frog Court, I’d fought bitterly against their false charges and the hearings turned into near-riots.
Now, even Hamilton Berger, the District Attorney, whooped and hollered. For the first time, he’d beaten me in court.
The stunned Judge worked his mouth a few times before he found his voice.
“Um, Redwoodman, you now have a chance to provide a mea culpa statement, after which I will sentence you. Frog Court was set up to punish anyone who harms or threatens frog habitat and we take this responsibility seriously.”
“Your Honor,” I began, “This whole mess began when the side of one of my ponds collapsed. It’s true I built that pond on a low budget, and that used plywood only lasts so long. I moved the goldfish from the damaged pond to a second pond that already contained goldfish.
“Then the delivery of the Sunfish came, and I only had one pond so I put them in the same pond with the goldfish, and they started fighting, Then the sunfish hunkered down in the pond’s bottom, and they were afraid to come out at feeding time because the goldfish were beating them up.”
“So I bought 100 fathead minnows (Pimephales promelas) and added them to the pond for the sunfish to eat. I didn’t know the minnows were listed as invasive in the State of Washington, besides I am in Oregon. I only put them in so the sunfish wouldn’t starve.”
“I promise to comply with the Court’s decision,” I finished.
The Judge coughed and looked over at District Attorney Berger.
“Does the State have any sentencing recommendations?”
Berger’s assistant glanced my way without moving his head. I lifted my hand and rubbed my thumb against my forefinger. The Assistant DA smirked and pulled a document out of a file and handed it to the grinning Berger.
“Judge,” he sneered,”I propose that the defendant be required to restore the damaged pond,” he read from the paper, ”Until it is a combination of Half Dome at Yosemite and the Taj Mahal reflecting pond! If he fails to comply, we’d like him sentenced to however many years that Paul Manafort gets.”
The flustered Judge stared at Berger.
“How can you expect anyone to fulfill that sort of mitigation requirement? Half Dome? Taj Mahal?” he shouted.
Berger shrugged his shoulders. “That’s the State’s recommendation, given the terrible harm done,” Berger waved a picture of the damaged pond.
I stepped forward and brandished a large envelope of photos of my own.
“Matter of fact,” I said briskly, “That mitigation has already been accomplished!” I slid the envelope of photos over to the Judge, who in turn handed them to Berger. Berger’s face went ashen and he clutched his chest.
The Judge took back the photos and stared at them.
“Well, Redwoodman, it appears you’ve met the mitigation requirements. I hereby open the public comment period on the Environmental Assessment for your Pond Enhancement and Restoration Project, or PERP.”
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