(SnarkyNewsNetwork) Earlier this morning, the White House released a statement announcing that President Donald Trump, out of devotion and loyalty to all the federal government workers, has devised a bold, generous, innovative new plan to support those workers through the government shutdown:
A reality TV show competition, where government workers are pitted against each other in a series of brutalizing and humiliating challenges, until ultimately only one is left standing.
The winner will have all of their utilities, baby formula, and gas money paid for the entire year, or until the shell corporation Trump’s lawyers founded to launder the prize winnings is dissolved, whichever comes first.
Several runners up will also win all expenses paid trips down to the beautiful southern Texas region, where they will be lavished with the finest accommodations AirBnb can provide, and enjoy tons of fun in the sun, such as assembling vertical barricades.
Promos of the pilot episode show clips of some of the challenges, including bodyslamming reporters, who can bury Robert Mueller effigies in the highest pile of red tape, and seeing who can sabotage the most solar panels while breaking the least amount of eggs.
While several reports indicate that many workers are displaying outrage at the mistreatment, humiliation, and lack of actual support during this tumultuous time, some of the other workers, caught up in the prospects of fleeting television fame and competitive spirit, had already started trash talking one another over social media. “I may just be an average forest ranger, but all you other contestants will be the ones to take a hike,” wrote one worker on twitter. Still another writes, “Trump’s administration may have just froze my pay for the entire year for less savings than he wastes on spray tans, but I am still spry enough that I will show everyone how to parkour over a migrant detention facility.”
At the press conference announcing the plan, one of the reporters asked how this could possibly be construed as bold, generous, or even innovative, the spokesperson representing the White House was adamant that this plan represents the best possible outcome for all those involved.
“Look, it is easy to point out that Donald Trump is as generous as a man who tips baristas with the Take-a-Penny-Leave-a-Penny cup. That Trump is about as bold as a polka-dot tie on the 18th hole of Pebble Beach, where he has already been twice since New Years. That he has never had a single innovative idea since he learned gold-plating was a thing,” said the spokesperson. “But let’s be honest about all of this: does this plan really seem any more degrading, exploitative, or generally fucked up, than how the Trump White House would have otherwise treated all of these employees, and what the Trump White House thinks of all of their struggles because of the shutdown? I think we know the answer to that.”
In a further display of humility and generosity, Trump also announced that 100% of the revenue from the show would be donated to charity — namely, the Trump Foundation.
In other news, MTV announced the lineup of reality TV personalities, 90s boy band members, and Dennis Rodman, who would compete on their new reality show, Who Wants to be the Next White House Chief of Staff.
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