On Saturday, Donald Trump was whisked off to Walter Reed Medical Center for what the White House Press Secretary would soon insist were "routine checkups." Yes, on a Saturday. Yes, with no prior indication. The trip to Walter Reed was not on the schedule as of Friday, a source told CNN, and the medical staff was not alerted that Trump would be coming.
This was weird. That's all: weird. Not necessarily a big deal, not necessarily an indication of anything in particular, but what came next made it much weirder because the Trump team cannot help but lie about everything, all the time. By Sunday morning, the story was, according to Donald, that he decided to do his annual physical in phases and "began phase one" on Saturday. And Trump Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham, the Sarah Sanders replacement who appears to have decided that Sanders' brazen lying could only be improved upon if it were paired with an even lazier work ethic, mirrored this with a statement claiming that "Anticipating a very busy 2020, [Dear Leader] is taking advantage of a free weekend here in Washington" to "begin portions of" that physical.
So the story is that Donald Trump, famously lazy and extremely devoted to finding time to golf on nearly every weekend, decided on a whim that rather than go golfing or sitting his behind down in front of Fox News he felt like randomly popping in, unannounced, to get some blood drawn because he's been looking over the 2020 schedule and no, sorry, all booked up. Sure. Everyone has hobbies; if Donald's hobby is unannounced routine medical visits who are we to argue. Perhaps the lobby has a brand of mints he hasn't been able to find anywhere else.
But because we cannot have nice things, all of this went rapidly into North Korea Dear Leader chest-thumping in which it is not enough that Donald, a seventy-plus year old man with obvious cognitive issues and a mistrust of staircases, is merely fine. No, Dear Leader's press secretary took to Fox News that evening to insist that [despite all those other lies that she tells so regularly as to have made the White House-free press relationship a pinwheel-whirling farce] Actually Dear Leader is healthier than you or I or Batman or Take Your Pick.
"He is healthy as can be. I put a statement out about that. He’s got more energy than anybody in the White House. That man works from 6 a.m. until, you know, very, very late at night," she told Dear Leader Praise Factory Manager #3502, host Jeanine Pirro.
He tweets. He tweets from 6 a.m. until very late at night. But White House schedules have documented that Trump does not "work" a twelve-plus hour day or even longer than a few hours at a time, instead peppering each day with what is now famously known as "Executive Time" and spending weekends, literally, puttering. Rather than claiming Dear Leader has "more energy than anybody" in the whole building, could we ratchet it down just one or two notches? "Has energy" is fine. "Is not, as of this moment, bedridden" would likely go undisputed. Must we turn this from "Dear Leader had an unannounced but perfectly routine hospital visit because he was just that bored" to "Dear Leader is in such perfect health that it is impossible to state how perfect it is?"
NO, SCREW YOU FOR THINKING THAT responded Jeanine Pirro, peeking into our doubtful heads and taking notes for the upcoming purge. Donald Trump in fact is "ALMOST SUPERHUMAN."
The only good thing to come from any of this? You know Trump has already been on the phone to her, furious that she said "almost."
