From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: “Katy, Barr the Mueller Report!” Edition
"Robert Mueller spends two years investigating obstruction of justice and his conclusion is 'I don't know, what do you guys think'? If I wanted my questions answered with questions, I wouldn't get a special counsel, I'd get a therapist."
---Trevor Noah
"Now that Barr says that Mueller says there's no proof of collusion, a lot of people want Trump's critics to apologize. I will start. I have said one or two things about Donald Trump, like how he's a terrible president, so I'm just gonna bite the bullet and say it: Mr. President, if you're watching, I'm sorry…that you're a terrible president."
---Stephen Colbert
"You don’t need the Mueller report to tell you that Trump is a bad, corrupt man. He’s just one part of what has gone horribly wrong with our government, and the best way to make real change is by winning an election. No one is coming to save us but us. In the end, the real Robert Mueller was inside us all along."
---Samantha Bee
"The Trump administration, in the middle of what he calls the 'greatest economy of all-time,' has decided to stop funding the Special Olympics. These cuts are the work of Betsy DeVos, our Secretary of Education who thinks [public] school is a waste of money. I have to say, good for Betsy. Those special Olympians have had it too good for too long, what with their javelins and shorts. Can you imagine? Whose problem with America was helping the disabled too much? It's like she's auditioning to be the plot in Jordan Peele's next horror movie."
---Jimmy Kimmel
"There's a new biography coming out about former first lady Barbara Bush, and it contains some shocking revelations about how much she disliked Donald Trump. Apparently she kept a clock on her bedside table that literally counted down the days until the end of Trump's presidency. And then Melania Trump said, 'Yup…same.'"
---James Corden
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 29, 2019
Note: The Attorney General informs us that the contents of today's C&j note cannot be released yet. But he did provide a four word summary: Stove cockatoo bucket soufflé. We trust this answers all your questions, and we'll speak no more of it. Good day, sir or madam. I said good DAY! [ker-SLAM!].
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Star Wars Episode IX: 265
Days 'til Forks, Corks & Kegs in Deadwood, South Dakota: 7
Percent of Americans who believe Trump is mentally unstable, according to a new Quinnipiac poll: 44%
Amount that Purdue Pharma, the maker of OxyContin, has to pay the state of Oklahoma in a settlement for its role in the opioid crisis: $270 million
Year by which NASA has to put a man or woman back on the moon or else Mike Pence will have an awful fit: 2024
Percent chance McDonald's said this week they'll stop fighting minimum wage increases: 100%
Babe Ruth's highest salary: $80,000 (1931-32)
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: The spring doggies are popping up early this year…
-
CHEERS to righteous rhetoric. I don’t know if you saw this yesterday, but this is a textbook example---one for the ages---of how to respond to Republican bullshit. House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff (D-CA), now one of the most powerful people in Congress, did a slow burn after nine powerless minority Republicans led by Devin "I'm suing an imaginary cow on Twitter” Nunes called for him to resign for no other reason than he's getting very close to exposing some nasty behavior by their false idol Donald Trump, head of the Trump crime syndicate. Schiff is a model of modesty and integrity---a dot all the i's and cross all the t's kinda guy. And while he has a fairly high tolerance for GOP stunts, he doesn’t suffer fools gladly. So yesterday he let loose like a boxer on Red Bull with horseshoes in his gloves. You must see this if you haven't yet. (Transcript here.) This is a "Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last?" moment about which Lawrence O’Donnell said last night: “You will be seeing those words for the rest of your life in some form or other when you are looking at the history of this story."
Maybe next time, Republicans will think twice about bringing a knife to an Adam bomb fight.
CHEERS to embracing the dark side. Don’t forget to turn off your lights (yes, including your lava lamp) tomorrow night at 8:30 local time and join the world in going dark for the World Wildlife Federation's annual Earth Hour. Writes WWF's Sid Das:
Earth Hour 2019 with its campaign #Connect2Earth aims to build mass awareness on why nature is important and create an unstoppable movement for nature similar to when the world came together to tackle climate change. […]
Over the weekend, the world will witness 24 of the most inspiring hours for the environment, as people around the world come together for Earth Hour. From Singapore to Santiago and Nairobi to New York, millions will unite, switch off their lights and speak up on why nature matters to them and that question is one in my mind, that we don’t ask ourselves enough. […]
[N]ature is the bedrock of our economies and livelihoods. When we ask ourselves the question ‘What If we didn’t have nature?’, the answers are quite horrifying for each and every one of us.
Give it a try! You'll save a little juice, save a little scratch, join the rest of the planet in a good cause, and as a special bonus you'll experience what happens inside a Republican's head when someone asks them to come up with a good idea to fight climate change.
JEERS to taking your non-existent relationship too far. Thirty-eight years ago today, on March 30, 1981, President Ronald Reagan, along with Press Secretary James Brady, police officer Thomas Delahanty and Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy, got shot by some whack job (now out of prison and living with his mother) who wanted to present a dead-president-skin rug to Jodie Foster as a wedding gift. (Gun nuts take note: they were all surrounded by “good guys with a gun,” who all completely failed to stop the “bad guy with a gun.”) At first they didn’t think Reagan's wound was serious, but something about losing half his blood prompted a diversion to George Washington Medical Center. The rest ("Honey, I forgot to duck," "I hope you're all Republicans") is history. By the way, anyone care to take a guess as to what group the president from the now-union-hating party was lavishing praise on at the Washington Hilton that day? The AFL-CIO. Don’t that just boggle the mind.
CHEERS to David cleaning Goliath's clock. The big, bad Trump administration thought it could inflict its unique brand of cruelty on the Special Olympics by zeroing-out their in funding. They were unified---solid as a rock---behind teaching those little disabled moochers (and takers!) a lesson or two about life's hard knocks. We need battleships more than we need athletics, they said. Besides, what are they gonna do about it, make us give into intense public pressure? Ha Ha Ha don't make us laugh, they said. Let's settle this thing by firing the starter pistol and seeing who wins the $17.6 million dash. [Blam!!!] Oh my gosh, it looks like one of the competitors has just stumbled out of the starting gate...
President Donald Trump said he would jettison a proposal to slash funding for the Special Olympics, undercutting Education Secretary Betsy DeVos and the budget proposal he signed.
Poor guy never had a chance, what with those bone spurs and all. And the gold medal goes to…those darn kids!!! But Trump did win first-place in one event: the education secretary under the bus toss.
CHEERS to fun in the sun. On Sunday's date in 1917, the U.S. took possession of what are now the U.S. Virgin Islands (not to be confused with the inferior British Virgin Islands) from Denmark for $25 million. Residents there—who are considered U.S. citizens—are allowed to vote in presidential primaries but not the general election. Which is like your parents giving you a scoop of freezer-burned vanilla ice cream on your birthday while your siblings get a big bowl of Chunky Monkey with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, nuts, Oreos and gummi bears delivered by strippers. Damn. I thought I'd blotted that day out. Back to the therapist we go.
CHEERS to "His Accidency." Happy 229th birthday Sunday to "#10" John Tyler, who became president when William Henry Harrison kicked the bucket after ingesting Diet Coke and Pop Rocks during the "Truth or Dare" portion of his inauguration. It was the first time the nation had a president who wasn't elected to the office. Tyler insisted that he possessed all the powers of his predecessor, and wisely refused to let Congress refer to him as "acting president." Historians recognize him for very little except a couple of treaties. But we'll give him points for saying something that will make the Republican base writhe in agony (from the book Rating the Presidents):
Tyler demonstrated a complete tolerance of other religions. His family opposed the bigotry of the nativist Know Nothing political movement, which espoused hatred and suspicion of immigrants, particularly the wave of Irish Catholics entering the country at the time.
But he was also made of Old South stuff, and later unwisely became the only U.S. President to join the Congress of the Confederacy. Oh, and he had 15 kids, a presidential record not likely to be surpassed anytime soon. (I think one or two of his grandkids is still alive, which is rather mind-blowing.) Pay your respects here. If nothing else, give him a fist-bump for stamina.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If couch-potatoing is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that may pop up on your TV. Things start on an environmental note tonight at 8 as Chris Hayes hosts a Green New Deal-themed town hall meeting on MSNBC with guest Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-Pantheon of Blue Collar Goddesses). Then Rachel Maddow---sorry,that's DOCTOR Rachel Maddow, I now know---throws all the Friday news dump stories into a blender with a little grenadine, tequila, and strawberries and whips it all up into a coherent concoction.
Also tonight, on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Mayor and presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg of Indiana, Rep. Elissa Slotkin (D-MI), pundit S.E. Cupp, butthead Andrew Sullivan, and former U.S. attorney and constant Trump foil Preet Bharara. New home video releases include the DC Comics smash hit—or should I say splash hit Ha Ha Ha!!!—Aquaman. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. Oh, and it’s finally BASEBALL SEASON, so we can happily add the MLB schedule to our weekly roundup again. Sandra Oh hosts SNL with musical guest Someone I’ve Never Heard Of. On 60 Minutes: a Russian geophysicist proposes bringing the woolly mammoth back to Siberia, and a Maine college student's experience in a Connecticut prison that adopted the German (and Scandinavian) prison system of rehabilitation instead of retribution. Lisa gets picked up by the Capitol City Philharmonic on The Simpsons, while Stewie and Brian end up on a floating mass of trash in the Atlantic Ocean on Family Guy. But the BIG comedy highlight of the weekend is the return of Veep for its final season Sunday night at 10:30, followed by John Oliver returns to wrap up the week Sunday night at 11 on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and John Barasso (R-Mommy That Man Looks Creepy Land); former Colorado governor and Democratic primary candidate John Scoopinpooper---oh, i kid, it’s Hickenlooper.
Face the Nation: TBA
This Week: Sen. and 2020 primary candidate Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), who seems likable enough to me; Head baker of the White House’s “Let Them Eat Cake” department Mick Mulvaney. Former Trump deputy campaign manager David Bossie, who is, in fact, an actual cow; and moderate former Sen. Heidi Heitkamp (D-ND) will show up to explain ever-so-gently how “both sides do it.”
CNN's State of the Union: Weaselly Rep. Seth Moulton (D-MA); Special Olympics de-funder Mick Mulvaney.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Jim Himes (D-CT) of the House Intwlligwence Committee; George Conway’s “Alternative Facts”-peddling wife.
Happy viewing!
-
Ten years ago in C&J: March 29, 2009
JEERS to pills with gills. Hello, friends! Say, do you suffer from high blood pressure? Elevated cholesterol? Depression? Allergies? Seizures? Or do you suffer from all of these things simultaneously? Well, here's the solution you've been waiting for! Just take two carp and call me in the morning:
Prescription drugs used to treat depression, high blood pressure, seizures and other ailments are turning up in fish caught downstream from a Chicago sewage treatment plant, according to a new study that highlights some unintended consequences of our medicated lives. Little is known about the potential effects on people and wildlife, but scientists and regulators increasingly are concerned about long-term exposure to drugs in the water, even at very low levels.
Here's a simple test to gauge whether or not your fish might be over-medicated: if it experiences dizziness, vomiting or an erection that lasts for more than four hours, toss it back.
-
And just one more…
JEERS to the end of the road. It's over. The water has finished circling the drain. The pleasantly plump lady has sung. The final vote has been cast, and the mighty British Empire has decided that their future will be best guided through a robust policy of self-immolation:
Fearless prediction: the field of Upper Class Twit of the Year contestants is going to be mighty crowded this year.
Oh, and Sunday is the Eiffel Tower’s 130th birthday. In its honor, climb up on your roof, light a cigarette, bite a chunk out of a baguette, and look down on your neighbors with detached bemusement as you recite passages from Sartre. (And don’t forget the beret!) Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-