Trump’s announced himself to be “Tariff Man,” a new superhero whose powers apparently include triggering a massive drop in the stock market just by declaring his new cognomen.
Trump’s long been known for his infantile disparagements of other candidates with monikers like “Little Bob” Corker for the diminutive Tennessee Senator or “Lyin’ Ted” for Texas Senator/vampire Ted Cruz.
Now that Trump has turned his naming engine on himself, one can only hope this is but the start of a trend. Just to be helpful, I’ve come up with a few new superhero roles Trump is eminently qualified to suit up as, presuming there is plenty of elastic in the costumes:
THE LONE DERANGER — Isolated from international leaders and reviled in world opinion, The Deranger is able to stir entire crowds of illiterates into a racist fury with only a slim arsenal of immigration lies. He’s often depicted in elaborate disguise with orange skin and coiffure of woolly mammoth hair, riding his faithful horse, Ivanka, accompanied by his sidekick Pencey astride the aging mule, Rudi.
FIRE MAN — Using deadly fire, Fire Man cleverly attacks his nemesis: California., then blames the singed state for causing the catastrophe. Under the guise of Fire Man’s alter-ego, Hurricane Boy, he has similarly devastated Puerto Rico, then shifted blame to its government, debt and island isolation.
BULLSHIT BOY — Able to hurl damaging lies, insults and threats with ease from any position, including his porcelain throne. No less deadly for being composed entirely of thin air, the invective of “B.B. “is launched from a gaping maw that cannot be closed by any force known to man.
GOLF GUY — With staggering mastery, Golf Guy rules the world’s most powerful country from a golf cart, without any apparent preparation or insight.
THE INCREDIBLE BULK — Harnessing the power of adipose, Trump is well on his way to dethroning William Howard Taft as the Sumo Champion of American Presidents. Thanks to a special diet of taco bowls, burgers and chocolate cake and a rigorous exercise program of late-night texting on the toilet, The Bulk’s powers grow daily. To date, he’s not made much use of his gargantuan girth, other than pushing foreign Presidents out of the center of photo opportunities. But the mere prospect of The Bulk sitting on her lap at the next G-7 summit has already led Angela Merkel to end her German Presidency.
THE TOXIC AVENGER — What do you mean the name’s taken? Trump’s Avenger is pro-toxin, not agin’ it. He’s able to neutralize environmental zealots with blasts of his unique and patented “beautiful clean coal.” That’s just one of a breath-taking array of weapons at the Avenger’s disposal, any one of which can spell doom for the entire planet.
THE FLESH — Not seen in many years, this Trumpian superhero had the peculiar power of removing the panties of Playboy Bunnies and strippers, without possessing any charm or physical appeal. The Flesh’s boy protégé Mikey C. used his powers of invisible cash-distribution to render villainous vixens speechless for years.
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