I am physically nauseated each time I hear the passing comment, “and the children may suffer long term affects of trauma,” when referring to the family separation plague. I’d like to take the conversation deeper and talk about what that really means.
My bonafides? I am a mother of 5 internationally adopted children. Mr Oh and I have a nice collection of kids, South East Asian, Central American, and South Asian. Or as a friend of ours put it, they range from pale ale to Guinness Stout, while the two of us are truly Bud Light.
Our kids came to us at different ages, and levels of experience; from a starving 15 month old to a 19 year old whose adoptive family couldn’t understand or cope with her trauma behavior.
Our littlest ones don’t really remember their orphanages; one of our medium ones remembers being dropped on the street, told to stay put, and watching his father intentionally ride away on a bus. After many hours a police officer took him to an orphanage. Old enough to remember the trauma, but not the name of his family’s village, he never saw his family again. Our kids who were older when they came to us tell stories of hunger, neglect, physical and sexual abuse, and fear that break hearts
What we have learned as parents about childhood trauma is that the variety of outcomes is vast.
The little ones have brain development challenges. Infants and toddlers rely on being held and watching the reactions of a loved one to start making sense of feelings. Without that observation, children’s brains may simply shut down their emotions altogether, or they may be unable to develop any empathy for any other living beings. The older ones may continue to expect their worlds to implode at any moment, and become chronically anxious or depressed. Some will become oblivious to the routines and regulations that society runs by.
Maybe I’m trying to make this too intellectual. Maybe I should describe the hundreds of hours of screaming nightmares, the harming of family pets, the compulsive harmful sexual behavior by a 6 year old. Or maybe discuss the criminal behavior that prompted a therapist to tell us that without massive intervention, our 12 year old was headed for a lifetime spent in and out of prison. Maybe I should talk about a child who’s effort to be perfect (and therefor safe) cripples her ability to make decisions.
Or maybe I should talk about the thousands of hours and the hundreds of thousands of dollars, above and beyond the fabulous insurance my husband’s company provides, we have spent providing therapy: emotional, physical, surgical, chemical, and otherwise. Or the days and hours searching for professionals who can actually help instead of making it worse.
Should I discuss the child so angry they actually shit in someone’s coffee cup, wiped it out and put it back in the dishwasher to pass it off as clean? Maybe I should describe the mom I’ve met whose traumatized 4 year old adopted son was found standing over her with a knife while she slept? What about the kids so hate-filled they paint the walls with their own excrement?
If children are hurt and told they are unlovable, they become children who hurt and can’t love.
My kids are all young adults now. All have jobs, pay taxes and are kind and caring people. Because of the intense parenting this required, my husband and I have both been diagnosed with PTSD.
We went into adoption expecting there to be pain and challenges, and we had excellent resources.
Do immigrant families expect these challenges?
What happens to families who reunite with children who are not who they used to be. What support will they get healing their children? How much will we as a country pay in the costs of crimes commited by these hurt babies as they grow?