From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
How ‘bout a Li'l Polk in the Ribs?
Yesterday was the 35th annual "Presidential Joke Day." Since it's Monday and I've already OD'd on news this month (I thought August was supposed to be the "slow" one), enjoy some POTUS punch lines:
"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'"
—Teddy Roosevelt
"Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day."
—Harry Truman
“Jerry—you recall Jerry, whose cards I once sent you to Europe—came in while I was pondering your notes in glad reflection, and we talked about it.”
—From a Warren Harding letter to his mistress Carrie Fulton Phillips. “Jerry” was their code name for his penis. (Trump's code name for his, according to sources, is "The Gorilla Channel")
"I won't lie---look, this is a tough transition. It's hard. Key staff are now starting to leave the White House. Even reporters have left me. Savannah Guthrie left the White House Press Corps to host the Today show. Norah O'Donnell left the briefing room to host CBS This Morning. Jake Tapper left journalism to join CNN."
—President Obama, 2016
''Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.''
—Lyndon Johnson
“The Republican National Committee recently adopted a resolution saying you were pretty much of a failure.”
“I'm sure it was passed unanimously.”
—John F. Kennedy at press conference (See it here at 33 seconds in.)
'My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
—Jimmy Carter
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
—Abraham Lincoln
They'll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your server.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 12, 2019
Note: Today is National Middle Child's Day. Everybody say the official motto with me: "Oh, Marcia Marcia Marcia!!!"
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 108
Days 'til the first Maine Organic Farmers and Gardeners Association Bread and Brews Festival in Unity, Maine: 5
Campaign contributions Mitch McConnell has received from the NRA, explaining why he won’t bring any bills to the floor to prevent mass murder: $1.26 million
Amount by which the United Kingdom's economy shrunk in the 2nd quarter, the first time that's happened since 2012: 0.2%
The last time the Democrats or Republicans flipped the U.S. House in a presidential cycle: 1952
Newly-enacted fine for loitering on Rome's Spanish steps: 160-400 Euros
Amount of actual baseball action over the course of an average 3-hour MLB game: 18 minutes
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Puppy Pic of the Day: As Albert Einstein would say: "That's relativity…"
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CHEERS to a lazy goof-off week. Here's the way things stand around the country:
The Senate is off. The House is off. The President is off. The Supreme Court is off. State legislatures are off. Bosses are off. I got an idea: let's go tape all their staplers together and run ‘em up the flagpole.
JEERS to hitting the exit before the movie ends. Nice not knowin' ya, Jeffrey Epstein. The man who spent decades as a sexual predator of teenage girls—and also as a procurer of similar services for his buds in the Billionaire's Boys Club—died in his cell Saturday morning. And if you spent any time on the internet over the weekend, you know that the conspiracy theorists were busy declaring with 100 percent certitude that it wasn't a suicide, and that they knew who really committed the act of muuuhrduhhhr. Was it…
The bribable guard with the gun?
Donald and Melania Trump with the rope of diamond pearls?
Bill and Hillary Clinton with the poisoned pizza?
Nancy Pelosi with the deadly side-judo-clap?
Hannibal Lector with the plate of fava beans and a nice chianti?
The Deep State with the cyanide capsule?
Bob Barr with the poisoned cannoli?
Prince Andrew with the razor-sharp Victoria Medal of Valour?
Uma Thurman with the five point palm exploding heart technique?
Colonel Mustard with the wrench?
Mike Pence with the vacant stare?
The list goes on. And so will the investigation that's likely to snare pedophiles right and left, across multiple countries and positions of power. As for Epstein? He'll now spend eternity in Hell getting side-eyed in a room full of pedophile priests.
CHEERS to firing back in unity. At the height of the blue dog era, the conservadems were more than happy to derail attempts to go big on progressive issues. Thankfully they’ve mostly gotten a' thumped out of office, and now Democrats are more unified on a bunch of issues, including, finally, gun control:
The biggest presidential field in history is also the most united ever in favor of gun control, a major break from the past made possible by the shifting politics around guns in America, Democrats and advocates say.
"If anything, they're outmuscling each other to see who can have the most aggressive platform on gun safety,” John Feinblatt, the president of Everytown for Gun Safety, said. “And that's a sign of the real changing political calculus on this issue.” […]
The entire 2020 Democratic presidential field now supports basic gun safety policies such as universal background checks, “red flag” laws that allow law enforcement to temporarily confiscate guns from people deemed a threat, and banning assault weapons. On the stump, they all preach strident and urgent opposition to the NRA.
But they're not in agreement on every gun issue. For example, 24 out of the 25 candidates hope Joe Biden keeps shooting himself in the foot.
CHEERS to cleansing your soul. Now that we know we survived the weekend's Empire State Building-sized meteor, it's time to throw your picnic blanket in the wash, uncork a bottle of cab, and set your alarm for 3am. The Perseid meteor shower is putting on a display of late-night/early-morning Perseidiousness this week:
This year, the meteor shower will peak in the night between Monday, August 12 and Tuesday, August 13. According to NASA, you may be able to see around 15 to 20 meteors an hour during the peak.
The Perseids are so named because they appear to radiate out of the constellation Perseus — you know, the mythical Greek hero who chopped off the head of the wretched gorgon Medusa and lived to tell the tale. The meteors will rain like sparks from the hero’s righteous blade.
It’s best to wait until 11 pm or later, when the constellation Perseus will be higher in the sky. It may also take up to an hour for your eyes to fully adjust to the darkness to view the meteors. But you don’t need to be staring right at the constellation to see the meteors. They’ll radiate out in all directions across the sky.
Everyone agrees that meteor showers are beautiful, unite Americans in a common activity, and make lots of people happy and curious about the universe and the wonders of science. And in other news, Republicans announced this morning that they plan to introduce a constitutional amendment banning all future meteor showers.
CHEERS to compassionate conservatism. 64 years ago today, on August 12, 1955, Republican President Dwight Eisenhower raised the hourly minimum wage from 75¢ to a dollar. Or, as acting White House budget director calls it: "a dollar too much, General Libtard."
CHEERS to a wild time in the Hawkeye State. Skies are a mix of sun and clouds and the air is hot over in Iowa, and for the latter you can thank the vats of bubbling fat and roving gangs of bloviating politicians at the legendary State Fair that started last week and continues this week. Over a million people are expected. This time around the traditional 600-pound butter cow—sculpted for the last 18 years by Sarah Pratt—has company in the form of a tribute to Sesame Street. And another tradition on full display is the awkward eating of the corn dogs. For old time's sake, enjoy these golden memories of 2012, with bonus ice cream cone:
People really love watching politicians stuff their faces at the fair. Mainly because it shuts them up for a few minutes.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 12, 2009
JEERS to the "relentless summer of melt." Here's some more iron-clad evidence of global warming that the deniers will take glee in ignoring: the polar ice caps are melting faster and faster:
From the barren Arctic shore of Tuktoyaktuk in Canada's far northwest, veteran observer Eddie Gruben has seen the summer ice retreating more each decade as the world has warmed. By this weekend, the ice edge lay some 128 kilometres at sea. "Forty years ago, it was 40 miles [64 kilometres] out," said Mr. Gruben, 89, patriarch of a local contracting business.
Global average temperatures rose 0.6 degrees in the past century, but Arctic temperatures rose twice as much or even faster, almost certainly in good part because of human-made greenhouse gases, researchers say.
Environmental experts say they're ready to take a drastic, unprecedented measure to restore the chill necessary to replenish the Arctic’s ice levels: pay Ann Coulter to move to the North Pole and just sit there.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to new uses for old tiles. Anyone here play Scrabble? If so, you've got about 300 more words at your command with which destroy your opponent. (And make no mistake: the entire point of Scrabble is total planetary annihilation.) Recently the poobahs in charge of the official Scrabble dictionary woke up from a four-year slumber, saw their shadows, and belched out some more acceptable words before going back to bed:
The latest edition…added long-awaited words like “OK” and ew” to the vetted Scrabble lexicon, something that fans of the game won’t take for granted according to Merriam-Webster (which publishes The Official Scrabble Players Dictionary) editor at large Peter Sokolowski in an interview with USA Today.
“OK is something Scrabble players have been waiting for, for a long time,” Sokolowski said. “Basically two- and three-letter words are the lifeblood of the game.” … Merriam-Webster was advised by the North American Scrabble Players Association for this edition; the dictionary company has been making official Scrabble dictionaries since 1976.
Other acceptable words include "beatdown" (definition: an alternate goal of Scrabble besides total planetary annihilation), "twerk," "zomboid," and "bestie." Unfortunately, one word I've been beating down their door to get included on this list…wasn't on the list again. So this morning I'm re-lodging my formal complaint in the U.S. 1st Circuit Court of Appeals to get former Massachusetts senator Scott Brown's immortal drunk tweet "Bqhatevwr" listed. That's an 87-point triple-word gold mine, bub.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Cheers and Jeers has all the ingredients of a good blog post, from juicy snark to a stellar puppy pic, yet it’s assembled with such staggering incompetence that from the very first word it boils over into one star territory, all promise evaporating from the kiddie pool. The boredom and confusion that then follows is backgrounded by an almost angry frustration that someone could get something so potentially thrilling so very, very wrong."
---Benjamin Lee, The Guardian
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