When I saw the Dayton news
I just need to breathe.
I need to share.
This is selfish I know, but it's also a means to share just how incredibly pervasive this issue has become, and how it can impact so many aspects of our lives. And so many people. And so many ways.
And I really need to say it.
My history with these tragedies begins as a 21 year old Paramedic in Galveston, TX. I was a kid and just starting to learn my trade. During the Mardis Gras celebration in 1998 I was standing on a corner in the Strand with my partner, our equipment at our feet, enjoying the sights and sounds of a celebratory crowd.
Then it all went wrong.
I swear I saw the impact before I heard it. Right in front of us he went down. Then chaos. We got pepper sprayed as well and had to triage, initiate treatment, and orchestrate the transport of 5 victims. We were lucky, as only Oscar died. Then a second, unrelated shooting happened. And two stabbings. You won't find these in the news. When we arrived at UTMB with the last patient there was blood from the dock to the trauma bays. We immediately transitioned to an extension of the hospital staff. Only one died.
But that was only a warm up.
Just over a year later was Columbine. The "first" one. Well... Not for me. Columbine triggered emotions and memories of Galveston. So it was my second trip around the horror house. To add to the trauma, I had spent many weekends while in college at CU in Boulder two blocks away from the school tripping on shrooms in my buddy's back yard. I KNEW that school, that neighborhood, those people.
Shooting after shooting occurred. Every damn one took me back to the first. And to the second.
Twice in Austin as a medic I was within fifty feet of a shooting. These shootings were not news worthy. Not enough dead.
My partner lost a close friend in Aurora. She relives it every time another happens, as do all of Jesse's friends.
Then came Pulse. I work in the blood industry. We helped as best we could. They lost one of their own that night and still had to take care of everyone else. Now I had another fear. What if it happens here and we lose one of ours? How do we keep doing what we need to do with that knowledge?
Sutherland Springs in 2017. I was helping my partner with her event for..... Get this.... A tissue donor family event. An event specifically to provide support and resources to families who had lost loved ones to tragedy. And I'm on a bench outside in tears trying to figure out how to get blood to our neighbors to take care of the survivors.
Santa Fe, TX in May 2018. I lived there. I cashed those parents checks at the local bank.
El Paso yesterday. I've been in that Walmart. My ex partner's family lives there, shops there. Many of my friends and colleagues have connections there. Everyone I know is ok. I'm thankful.
Had a huge software upgrade overnight which requires me to be at work. I napped yesterday afternoon and went to sleep with El Paso haunting my brain. I woke up, went to work, and all I could think of was "how long until the next one?"
Dayton happened a few hours later. My only response was to immediately tell my partner to stay off the web... And pure rage.
I was almost glad when the tears finally hit me. For a couple hours I was worried that I was going truly mad.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here.
Take care of yourselves.
Much love.
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