From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Love, Lev Edition
"This is the latest twist in the Ukraine impeachment scandal: Giuliani's former BFF man Lev Parnas says everyone in Trump World was involved: the president, Mike Pence, and even Attorney General Bill Barr. So many people are involved that they're gong to have to take a party bus to the trial."
—Trevor Noah
Lev Parnas clip: President Trump knew exactly what was going on. He was aware of all my movements. I wouldn’t do anything without the consent of Rudy Guiliani or the president."
Jimmy Kimmel: Well there he is—the smoking goon.
—Jimmy Kimmel Live
”This is historic. It’s the first time anyone has used the phrase ‘Trump knew exactly what was going on.’”
—Stephen Colbert
"Chief Justice John Roberts and members of the Senate took an oath to remain completely impartial during the impeachment trial. Then they all laughed for four hours."
—Conan O'Brien
"Following last night's debate, mayor Pete Buttigieg told reporters that he believes he would be the—quote—‘boldest president we've had in half a century.’ I don’t know if you've been watching the news, but we're good on bold for awhile. If you want a winning slogan, how about Make The News Boring Again?"
—Seth Meyers
And a decade ago, on January 17, 2010…
"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again: bring back Bush and Cheney for a week."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Obama ended his presidency at 58% approval. The current POTUS—already impeached—started his presidency at 45% and then spent the next three years going down from there. You know how repulsive you have to be to have a honeymoon period that lasts for zero seconds? Trump repulsive, that's how repulsive.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 17, 2020
Note: The Department of Tyranny Resistance reminds you that it’s time to change the batteries in your bullshit detectors. To test their functionality, simply say "Donald Trump will drain the swamp" until it screeches. Thank you and have a fact-filled weekend. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Brexit: 14
Days 'til the 4th annual Tamale Festival in Atascadero, CA: 2
Rank of Warren, Sanders and Buttigieg among winners of Tuesday's debate, according to Ipsos/FiveThirtyEight: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Denmark, Sweden and Norway among 73 countries surveyed by U.S. News & World Report and Wharton among the best for raising children (USA came in an embarrassing 18th): #1, #2, #3
Estimated number of Americans cutting the cord on their cable TV in 2020 and 2023, respectively, according to NBC News: 25 million / 76 million
Gallons of alcohol Americans drank on average in 1830: 7 gallons
Gallons Americans drink per year now, according to the CDC: 2.3 gallons
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The three phases of curiosity…
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CHEERS to showtime! The impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump got started yesterday, with the formal charges outlined by Adam Schiff in the well of the Senate, a review of official rules of conduct laid out in 1798 (No talking, no smacking your lips while nibbling on hardtack, no beating each other with canes before noon), and the official swearing in of senators by Chief Justice John Roberts, who again tried to administer it from memory with predictable results:
"Raise your left hand…no, wait, your right hand…and repeat after me:
I swear solemnly do that…no, wait, sorry…..I shooby-dooby-doo no, no, no…I do solemnly swear that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of…oh, what's his name, dammit, think, John, think….David Dennison? John Miller? John Barron? Donald Trump! Yes, Donald John Trump, president of the United States, now pending, I will do impartial justice—you payin' attention, Lindsey and Mitch?—according to the Constitution and laws and corporations which are people, so help me invisible bearded man up there in the clouds who was nice enough to get me a Flexible Flyer sled when I was nine. Oh, and don’t forget the Federalist Society fish fry tonight at 7. We're auctioning off Ed Meese's soul to the lowest bidder. Okay, uh….hut hut?"
Needless to say, they'll do it fresh on Monday. With note card.
CHEERS to criminals getting busted doing criminal stuff criminals do. The GAO has a sterling reputation for fairness and impartiality in its capacity as the government's official referee. They don’t mess around and they go to great lengths to get their rulings right. So here's one more thing to make the Trump crime syndicate's operatives at OMB choke on their hamberders:
The White House violated federal law in its hold on security aid to Ukraine last year, according to a decision by a congressional watchdog released on Thursday and reviewed by The Washington Post.
The Government Accountability Office, a nonpartisan agency that reports to Congress, found the Trump administration violated a law that governs how the White House disburses money approved by Congress. […] “Faithful execution of the law does not permit the President to substitute his own policy priorities for those that Congress has enacted into law,” the decision states. “OMB withheld funds for a policy reason, which is not permitted under the Impoundment Control Act.”
And you know what we do with high-profile lawbreakers affiliated with Trump who get caught? That's right, kids, we throw them in jail, disable the security cameras, let the guards fall asleep on the job, and then… Well, you know the old saying: what happens in jail stays in jail.
JEERS to turning a deaf ear. On this date 59 years ago, during his farewell address in 1961, President Eisenhower warned us all against the rise of the "military-industrial complex." (Although we’re quick to point out that Ike himself helped contribute to it, so his hands aren’t exactly clean. But, hey, c’mon—he did D-Day.) Every year, as his warning appears ever more prescient, this speech ranks right up there with Lincoln's Gettysburg Address or FDR's Four Freedoms speech:
"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex.
We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."
Let's see how that's working out: We did let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties and democratic processes. We did take it for granted. And we the ignorant and apathetic citizenry did not compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty are now fighting like rabid dogs. Other than that...Thumbs-up!
JEERS to baking our planet. (Or should that be "our baking planet"?) We knew that the year we just encased in cement and dropped off a pier was toasty. Now we have NOAA numbers, and we can officially say that the whole damn thing was one for the sweat-soaked record books:
Last year was the second-hottest on record, government researchers confirmed on Wednesday in analyses of temperature data from thousands of observing stations around the world. They said that 2019 was only slightly cooler than 2016 and the end of what was the warmest decade yet.
The independent analyses by researchers at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration and the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration showed that global average surface temperatures last year were nearly 1 degree Celsius (1.8 degrees Fahrenheit) higher than the average from 1951 to 1980.
To put that in perspective, that’s nearly as hot as the brain lobe Senator Susan Collins uses to incinerate stray facts that accidentally bore their way into her head.
JEERS to yesteryear's sleazebag. On January 17, 1997, then-Speaker Newt Gingrich—the guy who promised to clean up Washington—accepted a reprimand by the House that included a$300,000 penalty as punishment for ethics violations. Four days later the House voted 395-28 to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct. If memory serves, the sun was shining and the birds were singing that day.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the squawk box this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell processing the Friday news dumps on MSNBC, a huge service given how crazy every single day is in the Dotard Era. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher starts his new season with Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Andrew Yang, Kara Swisher, Jon Meacham, and Republican presidential candidate Joe Walsh.
New home video releases include the ridiculously over-Oscar-nominated Joker and last year's final season of Veep. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. Sunday will be dominated by football, as the Tennessee Titans battle the Kansas City Chiefs for the AFC title (3pm, Fox), and the Green Bay Packers take on the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC (6:30ET, CBS). The winners will face each other during the Wardrobe Malfunction Bowl on February 2. SNL re-airs their December episode with host Jennifer Lopez. On 60 Minutes: the wolves of Yellowstone, and Joel Sartore's quest to photograph every animal species in captivity, including the elusive Reputable Republican. And wrapping up the weekend: Larry David returns for another uncomfortable season of Curb Your Enthusiasm at 10:30 on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and David Perdue (R-Moscow).
This Week: Impeachment trial manager Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sen. Richard Shelby (R-Moscow).
Face the Nation: Impeachment trial manager Jerry Nadler (D-NY); Sen. John Cornyn (R-Moscow); former Trump economic stooge Gary Cohn;
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Sherrod Brown (D-OH); impeachment trial manager Rep. Jason Crow (D-CO); Karen Finney and former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe (D) are on the pundit roundtable.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Impeachment trial manager Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Moscow).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 17, 2010
JEERS to meeting our expectations by not meeting our expectations. "Mad Money" host Jim Cramer—aka He Who Got His Head Handed to Him on a Platter by Jon Stewart Last Year—made this prediction on Hardball in mid-October that was as fearless as it was emphatic, giddy, cocky, and—oh, what's the phrase—pulled out of his ass:
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"We are going to have a very strong holiday season across the board!"
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You know how this ends, don't you? Of course—he was wrong again. And I'm sure he's real sorry. Again.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to America’s favorite “Girl from the South Side.” Michelle Obama (who you can follow on twitter here) is the tenth First Lady whose iron-fisted regime I’ve lived under. During her eight way-too-fast years in that official capacity, she was an amazing role model—not only in terms of her grace and humor and intelligence and optimism and down-to-earth authenticity and… (I'll stop there for space reasons—my list of her pluses is 12 pages long, single spaced), but also for throwing open the doors of the White House and making it feel more like the "People's House" than any time I can remember. (Today the place feels more like Berlin circa 1945.) Today is Michelle’s frrfrrfrth birthday, and that’s all the reason I need to post these…
1.4 million likes on twitter:
I know there's no job description or requirements for the role of presidential spouse, but I think it's fair to say that she set the bar just about as high as it can go. She rocked it. So, in conclusion: Happy happy happy (I'll stop there for space reasons—my list of happys is also 12 pages long) birthday, Michelle, and many blessings on your camels.
P.S. Her too:
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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