This Week's Outlook from the USA Forecast Center:
Mostly cloudy skies with widespread coronavirus squalls, along with heavy incompetence and blame-everyone-else downpours by the executive branch. Lies from the White House will hit an all-time high, followed by torrential tweets and fog-filled press briefings from the president that will reach all-time lows.
Continued…
Doctors, nurses, support staff and first responders will continue putting up a strong front as they deal with a deluge of patients seeking shelter from a stubborn viral storm that will likely be stalled across the country for the foreseeable future. And despite the magnitude of the maelstrom, grocery and pharmacy employees, along with Postal Service employees, utility workers and other essential employees, will remain on the job to prevent sudden outages.
And while most areas have called for residents to shelter in place, "open for business" stupidity continues to rain down on the residents in several American heartland states on the orders of their Republican governors despite high pressure from health experts and epidemiologists.
If you're among the scattered pockets of Fox News viewers, everything will be sunny and pleasant right up until the moment you turn the TV off and reality hits you in the face like a two-ton skillet.
That's your week-ahead forecast. Happy Monday and happy Zooming.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 6, 2020
Note: No animals were harmed during the production of this column. They were, however, mildly teased and got their bellies scratched. Oh, yes they did! Oh, yes they did!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Wisconsin Democratic primary, which a federal judge has ruled will go forward with extra latitude on deadlines for mail-in ballots: 1
Percent chance that Republican Donald Trump was on duty in March, 2020 when America lost 701,000 jobs, ending a decade of gains started under Democratic President Barack Obama: 100%
Michiganders who approve of the way Gov. Gretchen Whitmer and Donald Trump, respectively, are handling the coronavirus pandemic, according to PPP polling: 62%, 46%
Percent of Fox News and MSNBC watchers, respectively, who believe "the media" is "greatly exaggerating" the risks from the coronavirus, according to Pew Research: 56%, 12%
Rank of cleaning, eating, and cooking among top stay-at-home activities among Americans according to Survey USA: #1, #2, #3
Percent in the same poll who say they're #1 activity is smoking weed: 14%
Seconds it takes for sunlight to reach the earth: 492
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Puppy Pic of the Day (via John in Denver): Walking Fido in Serbia during quarantine…
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JEERS to keeping an eye on bad things. Since this pandemic is going to go on awhile, it makes sense to maintain at least a weekly benchmark of the awfulness for the C&J historical record. When last we posted on Friday there were 288,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19 and 7,000 deaths. This morning the numbers are: 336,851 confirmed cases and 9,620 deaths. And in related news, over the weekend I discovered a new mathematical formula that has since been rigorously scrutinized and approved by all the universities:
[Number of COVID-19 infections] + [Number of COVID-19 deaths] = The President's Legacy.
I call it the Dotard Equation.
CHEERS to shooting the villain in the foot. One thing you gotta say about the nerds around the world: they're science’ing the shit out of COVID-19, probing every protein and spore to find its weak spot. And apparently the pipette-wielding hippies in California are onto something:
Scripps Research in La Jolla reported on Friday that there appears to be a specific area of the coronavirus that could be targeted with drugs and other therapies, a finding that also could help with the development of a vaccine.
The spot “is a possible Achilles heel” in the coronavirus, said biologist Ian Wilson, who led the team that made the finding. The discovery was published Friday in the journal Science.
Aha! The discovery suggests exactly what's needed to bring down the virus: an 0.2 micron-size arrow, a microscopic bow with telescopic sight, and a human with impossibly-tiny hands. My god…Trump may save us yet.
JEERS to covering up your tracks. America's most smackable brat, Jared Kushner, emerged from his dorm room last week to inform us all that the federal stockpiles of masks, PPEs and ventilators are—I'm reading off the transcript here so I repeat it as accurately as possible—"Mine mine mine not yours you stupid states mine get away from them back back I say they're not leaving this office not now not ever." And since those stockpiles really do belong to the states, wrong-again Jared Noodleneck had to race to the internet machine to cover up his tracks:
Until Friday morning, the website of the Department of Health and Human Services, which maintains the stockpile, read, "When state, local, tribal, and territorial responders request federal assistance to support their response efforts, the stockpile ensures that the right medicines and supplies get to those who need them most during an emergency."
But midday Friday, hours after Kushner directly contradicted the language on the HHS website, the text was changed without explanation. Retroactively matching what Kushner said, the website no longer says states can rely on the stockpile, but now says it exists to “supplement” them.
They would've updated it sooner, but a light breeze caught Jared in the parking lot and it took them an hour to get him untangled from the power lines.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the final countdown. Can't tell you how much I'm enjoying watching the demise of coal, partially because it's a boon for the environment, and partially because it's a bust for one of Trump's signature campaign promises. And now a study, if its predictions hold up, says that the industry's fate could be sealed in less than a generation:
In the most basic sense, it is no longer a lucrative business path to invest in carbon emission-heavy sources. Today, investing in coal projects is more expensive—across all world energy markets—than renewables. In as little as 10 years, it will be cheaper to build renewables than to run coal power resources, much less build new ones.
How much more expensive? Right now, the report estimates that the cost of operating and investing in coal—not in Europe, but in the U.S., India, and China—is about 50% more expensive than renewables. By 2030, that number doubles to 100% assuming market forces remain constant rather than intensify, which they are likely to do.
Basically, the whole coal enterprise is getting more difficult to fund, build and maintain relative to renewables. Y'know what renewables are, right? Energy sources that will never run out. Like solar from the sun's rays, wind from the jet stream's currents, and hydro from the Republicans' tears.
CHEERS to great moments in synthetics. On April 6, 1869, the first form of plastic—celluloid—was patented. 151 years later, the talking heads at Fox News swear by it for their almost-lifelike appearance. Memo to Jeanine Pirro: order another case—you're sagging again.
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 6, 2010
JEERS to the Knuckleballer-in-Chief. Donning a White Sox cap, President Obama threw the first pitch at the Nationals-Phillies game yesterday.
Although it was a pretty good throw the ball didn’t thread its way into the strike zone with 100 percent precision and awesomeness. That sound you hear is Michele Bachmann drawing up articles of impeachment.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to one cool cat. Happy birthday, Billy Dee Williams! The universe's favorite Lando turns 83 today, and you can probably guess what's on tap in place of our usual mimosas at the C&J breakfast buffet…
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Please drink responsibly. Use a coaster.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Bill in Portland Maine gets roasted alive for Cheers and Jeers: 'This guy is an idiot.'
—Mediaite
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