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Clip of Trump at his Tulsa rally: Here's the bad part. When you do [Covid] testing to that extent, you're going to find more people, you're going to find more cases. So I said to my people: slow the testing down, please!
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, if Trump wants fewer people showing up for tests, he should just hold his next rally at a testing site.
—The Tonight Show
"A megachurch in Phoenix is facing skepticism ahead of Trump's visit after a claim to have installed a ventilation system that 'kills 99.9 percent of Covid molecules in ten minutes.' Which sounds crazy, but it's still the most believable thing that's ever been said in a megachurch."
"I just wanna say to all those [MAGA] people: the next time you get an operation, you just say to the doctor, ‘You take that liberal bullshit somewhere else. You come in here with no covering, you don’t wash those hands, and you stick them in my open wound, because I am an American."
—Jon Stewart, on the Trump cult's refusal to wear masks, on The Late Show
"If you're missing the sensation of shaking a good friend's hand, I've found that a 4-day-old mango has a pretty similar feel."
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 26, 2020
Note: Don’t forget that you can follow me on Twitter at—hang on, I gotta go look it up—@BillinPortland. You'll find news, sports, weather, and tons of hilarity. In other people's feeds. But please follow me anyway.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Canada Day: 5
Minimum number of lawsuits contending "unchecked" and "indiscriminate" police violence was used against protesters in demonstrations tied to the death of George Floyd: 40
Biden-Trump matchup numbers among registered Wisconsin voters polled by Marquette Law School (last month it was 46-43): 49%-41%
Cal Cunningham (D) vs. Sen. Thom Tillis (R) matchup numbers in the North Carolina senate race, per Public Policy Polling: 44%-40%
Increase in personal-use fireworks sales over last year, according to CBS News: 200%
Year John Flanagan's portrait of George Washington started appearing on the "heads" side of the quarter: 1932
Year during which squirrels chewed through power lines and caused the halt of millions of NASDAQ trades: 1994
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to playing it safe. Well, it's official, folks. We now have another stark example of the difference between the Republican and Democratic parties. The Republicans are going ahead with their RNC convention, where they'll cavort and canoodle with the coronavirus under a hermetically-sealed dome in Jacksonville, ensuring that several of them won’t survive long enough to vote in November's election. Meanwhile, word came down Wednesday that the DNC is planning to keep its delegates—oh, what's that silly word?—alive:
Former Vice President Joe Biden will accept the Democratic presidential nomination at a nearly all-virtual convention in Milwaukee in August, the Democratic National Committee said Wednesday. Delegates were told to stay home because of health concerns.
"After consulting with public health officials about the COVID-19 pandemic, convention organizers are announcing today that they have determined state delegations should not plan to travel to Milwaukee and should plan to conduct their official convention business remotely," the DNC said in a statement.
Further proof that Republicans are the pro-life party…right up until the moment you're born.
JEERS to prolonging the suspense. [Sigh] Fourteen outstanding opinions—fourteen!—sitting in the Supreme Court's pocket as the last grains of sand fall from their hourglass, and yesterday they dropped exactly one (a badly-decided one, led by ghoul Alito) before going back to their barcaloungers and cheesy poofs:
I knew this would happen when the justices went into lockdown and started binge-watching Judge Judy.
CHEERS to the other American revolution. On Sunday's date in 1969, a ragtag gaggle of customers at a seedy Greenwich Village gay bar run by the mafia—the Stonewall Inn, now a National Monument—decided they'd had enough police harassment for one lifetime. So they got mad as hell—especially the drag queens who had no more fucks to give—tipped over a police car, hurled some rocks and gave new life to the LGBT rights movement. As the deputy police inspector said: "For those of us in [the] public morals [division], things were completely changed...Suddenly they were not submissive anymore."
What a difference half a century makes. A huge majority of Americans now embrace their LGBT family, friends, co-workers and neighbors. LGBTers can serve openly in the military. (Trump's ban on new transgender enlistees will be overturned the second he leaves office.) The vast majority of businesses support LGBT employees and many of them sponsor LGBT advocacy groups. When right-wingers pass anti-LGBT laws, there's always severe blowback. And as of this month, thanks to the wisdom of the Supreme Court and the tenacity of the plaintiffs who argued their cases before it, employment discrimination is now verboten in every state.
And best of all, those aging protesters in New York who got mad as hell that hot June night and refused to take it anymore are now celebrating five years of having the legal right to take their fights where straight Americans have waged them since 1776: the institution of marriage.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to gastronomical greetings. On June 26, 1963, President Kennedy delivered a speech in then-West Berlin where he said, famously, "Ich bin ein Berliner!" Over the years many people have erroneously said that he was calling himself a jelly doughnut, but that is not true—he was referring to himself as a citizen of Berlin. Unfortunately, things later turned awkward when, after his speech, he said he was so hungry he could eat half a dozen Frankfurters and sent residents of that city fleeing to their cellars.
JEERS to one pissed off planet. Murder hornets. Locusts. A killer virus pandemic. Earthquakes. Wildfires. Hurricanes. Meth-addicted alligators. Republicans. And now, ladies and gentlemen, courtesy of Planet Earth, please put your hands together for the latest mindless calamity from Planet Earth, coming to the southern United States this weekend: Mega Sahara Dust Storm…
The enormous dust cloud—which some experts say could be the biggest and most intense Saharan plume in 50 years—could aggravate health problems, including asthma and other respiratory illnesses, and make visibility difficult on the ground.
"Dust particles are what we call particulate matter, and we know that breathing in fine particles of anything is not good for the respiratory tract—especially people who are sensitive to poor air quality," said Thomas Gill, a professor of geological sciences at the University of Texas at El Paso.
If you're looking to make a quick killing in the stock market, C&J recommends moving all your money into Acme Rent-A-Camel.
CHEERS to home vegetation. As far as TV goes, Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow will be competing tonight with the virtual Daytime Emmy Awards (8pm on CBS). Then at 10 Bill Maher talks with John Bolton, James Carville, Krista Swisher and The Robin Hood Foundation's Wes Moore on HBO's Real Time.
New home video releases include season 23 (!!!) of South Park, Will Farrell’s Eurovision on Netflix, and a bunch of other stuff I haven't heard of but you can check ‘em out here. Live sports is (are?) back with LPGA and PGA action, horsey racing, and NASCAR events. (As they say, check your local listings.) Tomorrow night at 8 NBC/MSNBC will air Global Goal: Unite for Our Future, an all-star Covid-19-related event hosted by Dwayne Johnson with "chart-topping performers and world leaders" (Merkel, Macron, et al., but not Trump, of course). On 60 Minutes: how the FDA f*cked up Covid antibody tests. Then Sunday night at 8 (CBS) the virtual BET Awards will be hosted by Amanda Seales, with tributes to Little Richard and Kobe Bryant, and performances by Jennifer Hudson and Lil Wayne among others. And John Oliver puts us all to bed (but not to sleep) Sunday night at 11 with a new edition of HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA
Meet the Press: New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY); Hawky John Bolton hawks his hawky book; Worthless DHS Secretary Alex Azar gaslights America on the covid crisis as Chuck Todd massages his bunions.
CNN's State of the Union: Hawky John Bolton hawks his hawky book. Also: Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC).
Face the Nation: Gaslighters rejoice! Vice President Mike Pence assures America that the coronavirus is gone, the economy is booming, and Trump is beating Biden by 99.9 points in the polls.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former CDC director Tom Frieden.
Ten years ago in C&J: June 26, 2010
CHEERS to dodging a bullet. Dick Cheney sent himself to the hospital Friday night after complaining of pangs of conscience. Using a Black and Decker cordless screwdriver, doctors removed his chest plate and blew in some charcoal dust to re-blacken his soul. They said he could check out Saturday but he opted to stay an extra day so he could spend some quality time short-sheeting the beds in ICU. In his absence, daughter Liz took over sneering duties. (As usual, a seamless transition.)
And just one more...
CHEERS to the growing season. A quick reminder that tomorrow morning, June 27th, at 10am, everybody—you included—needs to meet at the city square (between the post office and the bank) for the annual lottery.
Please get there promptly (I'm looking at you, Tessie Hutchinson, the breakfast dishes can wait) so we can start picking the ballots out of the hat and determine who has the black spot. Once the action starts, follow the guidelines set by the safety department: lift only those rocks that won’t cause back strain or wrist injury. ("If it's too big for thee, leave it be.") Let's try to finish up by noon so we can all go home and enjoy a nice midday supper, shall we? Also: tomorrow is the day to put a new "Lottery In June, Corn Be Heavy Soon" bumper sticker on your car, per city ordinance. And don’t forget sunscreen—those UV rays can kill ya.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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