C&J Goes A' Caroling
Cold Jail Cell (with apologies to “White Christmas”)
I'm dreaming of a cold jail cell
For all you insurrectionists
Where your cot is lumpy
Your cellmate's jumpy
And time goes by oh-so-slow
I'm dreaming of a cold jail cell
With every sentence judges write
May your days be scary, not bright
And may all your prison duds be tight.
Continued...
De-Worming Paste (with apologies to "O Christmas Tree")
De-worming paste, De-worming paste
You are so very yummy
De-worming paste, De-worming paste
There's two pounds in my tummy
They say it cures the covid, too
So why am I in ICU?
De-worming paste, De-worming paste
You are so very yummy.
Biden Jobs (Apologies to ”Jingle Bells”)
A day or two ago, I watched the evening news
And it was all so bad, I started drinking booze
Blood and crime and woe, were all they talked about
They left out all the happy stuff it made me want to shout. Oh!
Biden jobs! Biden jobs! Millions hired this year!
GDP is 6.3 that's reason for some cheer. Hey!
Biden jobs! Biden jobs! Paychecks getting large!
Always lots of hiring with Democrats in charge.
[Drops mic]
[Throws underpants at audience]
[Gets ushered out of nursing home for terrorizing the residents]
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, December 13, 2021
Note: "The fire is slowly dying, and my dear we're still goodbying" is just liberal code for pre-marital fornication. Sign the petition to get this filth off the airwaves and out of our schools, and be sure to browse our fine selection of chastity rings, belts, and pledge forms in our online store. FREE shipping through CHRISTmas! —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til winter: 8
Days 'til the Winter Farmers Market Holiday Festival in Richmond, Indiana 5
Percent of women and men, respectively, polled by PBS/NPR/Marist who disapprove of laws that allow private citizens to collect bounties for turning in abortion-seeking women and their doctors: 80%, 70%
Years Chris Wallace lasted at Fox News before getting chased off by the MAGA cultists there and fleeing (effective immediately) to CNN: 18
Percent of Americans polled by AP who describe their finances as being in good shape: 64%
Age, as of last Friday, of Brigadier General Charles McGee, the oldest of the remaining Tuskegee Airmen: 102
Number of Beatles who never wrote or recorded a song specifically about Christmas: 1 (George Harrison)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy Monday…
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CHEERS to slamming the door in Dolt 45's face. The pathetic losing streak for The Thing From Mar-A-Lago continues. Try as it might, it just keeps losing its attempt to prevent the House select committee from getting its hands on damning White House documents related to the planning and execution of the January 6th Republican insurrection. The latest:
[T]hree judges with the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit said Trump “provided no basis for this court to override President Biden’s judgment and the agreement and accommodations worked out between the Political Branches over these documents.” […]
“We have one president at a time under our Constitution,” said Patricia Millett, one of the three judges on the D.C. Circuit panel that heard the arguments.
“That incumbent president … has made the judgment and is best positioned, as the Supreme Court has told us, to make that call as to the interests of the executive branch.”
Don’t get too excited about justice being served just yet. Before the National Archives can release the documents, The Thing has another two weeks to file an appeal with the John Roberts Star Chamber formerly known as the Supreme Court, which will no doubt slow-walk the process to chew up as much time as possible. Although if I were them I'd keep three little words in mind: Liz Cheney headlock.
JEERS to keeping track of America’s fugliest numbers. I guess we should take one final look at the overall covid numbers before 2021 slithers into the history books. It goes without saying that the Republican anti-science, anti-vax movement gets the credit for the fact that a slayable virus is, in fact, alive and well two years after the president on duty when it broke out promised that "15 cases will go down to zero very quickly." So let's check the most depressing tote board in the world once again and see how that's working out: 270-million cases worldwide—over 20 percent of them in the U.S. And our death toll now sits between the population of America’s 18th-largest city Seattle and 17th-largest city San Francisco:
2 years ago: 9 confirmed cases. 0 deaths
1½ years ago: 2 million confirmed cases. 118,000 deaths.
1 year ago: 17 million confirmed cases. 305,000 deaths.
This morning: 51 million confirmed cases. 817,326 deaths
As we careen from the Year of Delta to the Year of Omicron, we're once again bracing for a winter from hell, and the only way to lessen the burden on hospitals is to get people vaccinated, boostered, and masked up. To get skeptical Republicans on board, the CDC will work overtime to convince them that complying will hurt the environment, bring us closer to End Times, and totally own the libs.
CHEERS to happy gays. Forty-eight years ago this week, in 1973, the American Psychiatric Association declared that homosexuality is not a mental illness. But to this day they still declare that being a Log Cabin Republican is "puzzling."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to trapping a very large rat. Eighteen years ago today, members of the 4th Infantry Division's 1st Brigade found Saddam Hussein stinking up a "spider hole" near Tikrit. He was given a public trial and then executed. Or as Hussein himself would've said when he was still in power: "Hey, you did that backwards."
CHEERS to opening wide and saying “Ahhhhfordable coverage.” A quick reminder that this Wednesday is, for most states, the last day to sign up for a 2022 Obamacare health plan in time to start coverage on January 1st. Here, let me hit you over the head one more time with a flashy graphic I paid one million dollars to commission (rest assured the electricity is provided in an environmentally-friendly way, with 20% solar, 30% wind, 25% geothermal, and 20% used cooking grease, and 5% de-acidified conservative tears):
With larger subsidies available this year, I was able to up my plan to a higher-grade silver level. And after consulting with my death panel I decided to add the hospice stripper option. It costs a few bucks extra. But if I ever need it, they’ll let me pay my monthly premium by slipping dollar bills into their g-strings. What a way to go.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 13, 2011
CHEERS to passing the torch. President Obama welcomed Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to the White House yesterday to go over final notes as the country prepares to fly solo. Not as long a list as I'd have expected:
1. Feed cat. He answers to "Viceroy Pootie."
2. Spare front door key is under the Dick Cheney scarecrow in the Green Zone.
3. Prevent sectarian violence from exploding while shepherding a virtually ungovernable parliament toward sensible and sustainable policies that offer essential services to the people while fostering national pride and unity. Or something like that.
4. Buy lots of our warplanes and assorted weaponry.
5. Don't even think about dating Iran, young nation!
But above all, y'know what? Just hang loose and have fun.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to nature's fabulous light show. If you're up late this weekend and you have a desire to feel small and insignificant, here's something you'll love: the Geminid meteor shower is putting on a show that’s…
...expected to peak in 2021, on the night of Monday, December 13 into Tuesday, December 14.
The Geminids are a reliable shower for those who watch around 2 a.m. local time from a dark-sky location. We also often hear from those who see Geminid meteors in the late evening hours. This year, a waxing gibbous moon will be above the horizon during peak time for viewing. But it’ll set shortly afterwards, leaving the sky dark for watching meteors. [...]
It’s a somewhat narrow window for meteor-watching. But still worth a look! On a dark night, near the peak of the shower, you can often catch 50 or more meteors per hour. On an optimum night for the Geminids, it’s possible to see 150 meteors per hour.
They say you'll need twenty minutes or so of staring into total darkness before your eyes get properly adjusted. Or, to speed up the process, you can just spend 30 seconds staring into Marjorie Taylor-Greene’s soul.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
”Bill in Portland Maine’s Cheers and Jeers is the demonstration that, when it comes to families, children, and family education, he doesn’t understand a thing.”
—Mary Avola
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