Did you all see the fundraising email from Gym Jordan?
Just when I thought I had seen everything, I saw this email from Gym Jordan to his supporters:
“Hi. I'm Gym Jordan and I need your help. I will need about $1 Million to pay for my legal fees. Right now, I’m strapped for cash. My lawyer is a dominatrix. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that Liz Cheney will be coming after me. During the insurrection, I grabbed her hand to make sure that she was safe. She quickly pushed me away and said, “You caused this shit!” I have no idea what she was talking about. Sure, I did have a Lauren Boebert Insurrectionist Barbie doll in my hand. But please know that I'm impotent. I simply wanted to achieve an insurrection lasting more than four hours.
And I'm very grateful for the people who have supported me during this difficult time. Even on Daily Kos, there is a wonderful guy by the name of Frank who has supported me. He said, “Gym Jordan is very much misunderstood and underappreciated. Most people simply do not understand or appreciate what a piece of shit Gym Jordan is.” He understands my policy positions, like being pro-life. I don’t need condoms for birth control. I just use my personality.
And Frank understands that I was conceived after we had an open bar at a family reunion. He has also offered to buy me a jacket so that I can look dignified when I testify before Darth Vader’s daughter. He said that the jacket may fit a little tight. It's a straitjacket. Frank is a good guy, and he supports my fellow insurrectionists, like Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Greene. He understands that birdbrains of a feather Glock together. And he always praises Lauren Boebert for being such a great basketball player when she was in high school. I mean, where else did she learn to drivel like that? Frank and I also agree that guns should be allowed at every Republican Convention.
Anyway, I need your help, and so does Devin Nunes. Devin is tired of being attacked by the Loony Left and has decided to forsake his favorite cow (Moscow) and has moooooved on to help our Dear Leader, donald jackoff trump, in his new media venture. I wish them both success. But unlike Devin, I never look the other way when I see bad shit happening, except when I was a coach at Ohio State. I will not look away from what Liz Cheney and her new Democrat friends are trying to do to me and to our country. They want to destroy our country. They do not give credit to donald. But then again, who else does, except for Douche Bank? Donald made our economy grow at the fascist pace since Herbert Hoover. I love donald. Sure, he has ripped my spine and keeps it in a closet at Morgue-a-Lago. But I take comfort in knowing that trump has my back. Democrats certainly don’t have my back or yours. A lot of Democrats say that if a Republican candidate who is hated by the GOP establishment and is hated by half the country still managed to win the 2016 election, then maybe Kyrsten Sinema or Joe Manchin should consider running for president as a Republican. That’s how clueless they are.
And you know who also has my back? Christopher Wray. He’s the Director of the FBI. He’s a loyal Republican who will not take any action against me or the other “Patriots” who simply entered the gift shop at the Capitol building to get autographs and gifts from Nancy Pelosi. James Comey helped trump win the election in 2016 by launching a last-minute investigation into Crooked Hillary’s emails. Chris will do none of that. He’s sitting back and collecting his $200,000 a year salary with full benefits and is letting the January 6th Commission do all the work. He knows that come November 2022 the Commission will be dissolved when we take back the House and I become the Speaker of the House. But I am a little worried about Merrick Garland. He’s moving quickly, geologically speaking, of course.
Democrats are lying to you. They say that Republicans are the true snowflakes because we’re white, we’re cold, and if you put enough of us together, we’ll shut down public schools. They are the ones who are destroying our economy. By shutting down public schools due to Covid, they nearly made the NRA go bankrupt!
But I need your help in order to Make America Great Again! MAGA! Democrats say that there’s nothing worse than a maggot in your food than half a maggot in your food. They can’t even tell a decent joke. The joke will be on them when I’m the Speaker of the House. So, let’s get started! I need $1 Million to pay my lawyer. I asked Rudy Giuliani to defend me for free and he almost dyed. Fuck that guy!
Anyway, I have to go now. My lawyer has me tied down with old briefs that she wants to use for my legal case.”