The Real Pandemic
Courtesy of The Daily Show. This could be an actual Republican TV ad.
And remember, Democrats: always maintain six feet of distance between yourself and your ballot. Voting by telepathy isn’t just the right thing to do, it’s the patriotic thing to do. —RNC
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 29, 2021
Note: Yes, of course I give a shit. But I couldn’t give two shits. I'm on a budget.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til "Play Ball!": 3
Percent of Democrats polled by Ipsos who approve of the job President Biden is doing: 90%
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, polled by Gallup who supported the covid relief package passed in March 2020: 79%, 79%
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who support the covid relief package passed in March 2021: 97%, 18%
Amount Dominion Voting Systems is suing Fox News for over its disinformation campaign directed at the company in 2020: $1.6 billion
Average percent by which voters in predominantly black neighborhoods have to wait longer at their polling places than those in white neighborhoods: 29%
Estimated daily value of goods that pass through the Suez Canal every day: $9 billion
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Puppy Pic of the Day: An Indy 500 I'd pay to watch…
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CHEERS and JEERS to another week on Planet Covid. The good news: it's the last week of March, vaccines are pouring into people's arms (1/3 of adults have gotten theirs), deaths from coronavirus among the elderly have dropped to virtually nothing, and Joe Biden is still in charge. The bad news: cases are spiking here again (thank you, spring breakers and anti-maskers), much of Europe is back in lockdown, Brazil is a horror show…and now that f*cking Suez Canal boat is threatening our toilet paper supply boat. Lord, why dost thou makest us suffereth so?!! (Personally, I blame the Satan Shoes.) So here we go again with another weekly check of the latest covid numbers for the historical record, courtesy of the tote board of woe. Worldwide now: over 127 million cases, and our domestic death toll exceeds the population of America’s 32nd-largest city Albuquerque, New Mexico:
1 year ago: 288,000 confirmed cases. 7,000 deaths
6 months ago: 7.3 million confirmed cases. 209,000 deaths
3 months ago: 20 million confirmed cases. 340,000 deaths
This morning: 31 million confirmed cases. 562,000 deaths
Oh, and if you missed it, here’s a complete list of the questions President Biden was asked about the pandemic at last Thursday's press conference:
JEERS to rotten peaches. Well, they did it. And if you blinked you could've missed it. At the speed of warp 10, Georgia Republicans passed a voter suppression bill in the legislature late last week, and then ran it over to the governor, who signed it under a huge painting of a slave plantation as a crowd of rich white men looked on adoringly (but—and they wish to make this very clear—non homosexually) before heading back to Tara for an evening of back slappin', rib-eatin', cigar chompin', poker playin', and whiskey guzzlin', followed, of course by a few hours of celebratory pistol shootin' and chaw-scented yee-hawin’. But out of the smoke and booze fumes emerged a hero: State Rep. Park Cannon, who was arrested and dragged out of the state house for the double-felony crime of—[checks notes]—knocking on the governor's door. You think this image might re-surface around the 2022 elections?
The state is now being sued up one side and down the other. But there are really only two ways to fight this kind of un-American one-party-rule fetish the Trump cult has seized on: strong federal voter rights legislation (coughH.R.1cough), or catapulting all the Republicans into the sun. I hope the Senate is working on achieving the former because I'm one giant Ikea L-wrench away from achieving the latter.
CHEERS to the Ikey we likey. We're surprised that Dwight Eisenhower hasn't been branded a traitor yet by the right-wingers because he had the audacity to expand Social Security and raise the minimum wage. Plus, on the eve of his exit from the White House he warned America of the dangers of expanding the “military-industrial complex.” In short, his crap crapped bigger ones than the current crop of GOPretenders. But his heart, which attacked him several times throughout his life, finally gave out and he died 52 years ago this week. Among Ike’s famous quotes chiseled into stone at his grave site in Kansas is this hippie libturd pabulum:
Pay your respects here. And extra credit to #34 for winning the last U.S. war that actually needed to be fought.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
(Please rise...)
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
(Be seated.)
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JEERS to the unfortunate question of the day. I'm sorry it's come to this, people, but here we are. Planet Earth, having exhausted all options in the Suez Canal, is now turning to the lefty bloggers to ask: Anyone know how to float this thing? Apparently it has all our toilet paper for the rest of 2021 on board:
Here’s my idea. They should try turning the boat off and then turning it back on. I mean, it's a Dutch ship, so it would be a literal…re-boot.
CHEERS to "His Accidency." Happy 231st birthday to "#10" John Tyler, who became president when William Henry Harrison kicked the bucket after ingesting Diet Coke and Pop Rocks during the "Truth or Dare" portion of his inauguration. It was the first time the nation found itself with a president who wasn't elected to the office. Tyler insisted that he possessed all the powers of his predecessor, and wisely refused to let Congress refer to him as "acting president." Historians recognize him for very little except a couple of treaties. But we'll give him points for saying something that'll make the Republican base get their MAGA underpants in a twist (from the book Rating the Presidents):
Tyler demonstrated a complete tolerance of other religions. His family opposed the bigotry of the nativist Know Nothing political movement, which espoused hatred and suspicion of immigrants, particularly the wave of Irish Catholics entering the country at the time.
But he was also made of Old South stuff, and later unwisely became the only U.S. President to join the Congress of the Confederacy. Oh, and he had 15 kids (I believe one of his grandkids is, astonishingly, still kicking around somewhere), a presidential record not likely to be surpassed anytime soon. Pay your respects here. Or, if nothing else, give him an elbow-bump for stamina.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 29, 2011
CHEERS to today's cheerful correction. Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano would like you to know that...
"There is a perception that the border is worse now than it ever has been. That is wrong. The border is better now than it ever has been."
Duly noted. But with Sheriff Joe Arpaio riding around in a tank with Steven Seagal, I have to wonder which side of the border she's talking about.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to hippity-hoppin' back to normalcy. When Barack Obama opened the White House doors to the public as wide as they could get, making the place truly seem like "The People's House" on a scale not seen in eons, I started collecting the annual set of souvenir wooden Easter Egg Roll eggs. The design is the similar every year: Easter Bunny on the front, and the president and first lady's signatures on the back. (They even added a bonus egg with Bo and Sunny on it.) Then Trump and his nasty gold-digger missus came into office and…let's just say I "forgot" to order them four years in a row. Oops. But now Joe and Jill Biden are in the White House and—presto—my memory has returned, as have dogs to the 2021 Easter Egg set. And if you have an eye for collectibles, you might want to snatch one up, because the Easter Bunny design will serve for generations as a unique reminder of what America was grappling with this year:
The full set with Major and Champ...
Bonus: the White House Easter eggs are made right here in Maine. And—brace yourself, the greatest one-liner I ever came up with is just beyond the next dash—that's no yolk! (I swear, do you people get your money’s worth outta me day after day or what?)
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“This was a shit Cheers and Jeers and Bill in Portland Maine is why.”
—Kendra Pierre-Louis
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