I have no idea if this is appropriate at all for a Daily Kos diary. I have no profound political thoughts or revelations. This is just my story.
I’m a former naval flight officer turned airline pilot. My hobbies are horses, medieval reenactment and music. I’m deeply in love with a woman I was supposed to marry last October.
And I’m transgender. I finally came out two weeks ago today. Wedding is on hold. My life is upside down. I’ve never felt more honest with the world, though.
This is something I wrote a five days after coming out. Spoiler: if it sounds like a fairy tale ending, don’t be fooled. We’ve had a lot happen since then.
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At 54 years of age, I came out to my fiancee as transgender on March 19, 2021.
I wrote the following on March 24th.
All my life I've been transgender. I mean, like since I was five or six. I still remember I'd be delighted as a child if someone mistook me for a girl. All my friends were girls until the day came that girls didn't play with boys. I remember trying to sit at the "girls table" in the cafeteria and getting ignored. I had my dog, at least.
I remember praying every night to God that I'd wake up a girl until the day came that I stopped believing in a God who intervened in mortal affairs. Seriously, if He couldn't correct such an obvious mistake, what good was He?
Add in some typical trauma like being pulled aside by a teacher who yelled at me and and angrily asked me if I knew what a female impersonator was. That was for the crime of singing soprano and not trying to fake a low voice like the other 9 year old boys. So I hid that side of me, devouring what transgender fiction was out there-- I Will Fear No Evil by Heinlein is a terribly written book in my adult opinion, but 12 year old me read it literally three times in a row. I cross dressed in private with improvised women's clothes, too terrified to do the usual route of stealing from Mom or Sis. Then came adulthood, military and denial.
I could go on, but I suspect most other trans women have had similar experiences. I'm pretty sure my late wife knew; she was an active and open minded feminist who'd roomed with the president of the campus LGBT club. She once watched me dressing my (as usual female) avatar for an online game for the umpteenth time and remarked "You'd totally be a transvestite if it weren't for your sense of embarrassment". That said, she'd join me in those online spaces, often taking a male character. We'd go on "dates" in spaces like Second Life, just wandering virtual riversides and dancing to animations. She was tolerant, we were in love, and cancer sucks.
The days without her that followed were dark and empty. And one of the millions of things I lost with her was the ability to be myself, even if just in pretend play.
Flash forward six years to me meeting an amazing woman through horse riding. Smart, giving, sentimental to the point of almost crashing the car to miss a rabbit but with backbone enough to stand up to many who mistook her kindness for weakness. She's also beautiful and elegant. Honestly, she was the woman I always wanted to be. And two Octobers ago, we got engaged.
And I didn't tell her about the transgender thing. Why the heck would I? Was I going to lose this incredible person over something I've kept closeted for decades? I'd finally found love again, I wasn't going to toss it away.
But as the wedding date approached, I got more and more upset I was holding back from her. The wedding got pushed back for COVID and my angst got worse. I'm embarrassed to say I started drinking. On my days off I'd go ride my horse then come home, write transgender fiction for a few hours and have a couple of drinks. Sometimes it'd be more. On the evening of the 18th of March, 2021, she came home to me blackout drunk. Friday morning she gave me the "me or the drink" speech. The worst of it was, she said, was that I'd been hiding it from her. That I'd been lying to her. And she told me the one thing that would destroy things between us was dishonesty.
I had that Friday off, spent hung over and in guilt. And all I could think of was the biggest thing I'd been hiding from everyone, but especially from her. And if I told anyone, I'd have to tell her.
I practiced what I was going to say for hours. I stood in front of her spot on our sofa and pretended she was there. Once, I had to stop and go throw up.
She came home to the expected talk about drink. And then I dropped the bombshell on her. She listened carefully, confused at first but then she got it.
She told me she loved me and never wanted to leave me. She said she actually wasn't surprised, that my femininity and emotional openness were things she treasured in me. She was just afraid she'd lose me. I told her I was terrified of losing her.
Saturday night, we went out shopping for cookware (I love cooking) and she bought me flowers and chocolate while I cooked up a roast. We were supposed to have a mani pedi, but full bellies and a bottle of Stella Rosa meant an early bed.
Then I went on a three day trip. On Sunday I bought myself my first purse on a layover in SFO. That evening, we chatted, she joked about maybe stealing my purse and....I asked her how she felt about HRT (hormone replacement therapy). It flipped a switch and she started crying. She asked me if I was going to transition, and if so would I leave her? She asked me why I was suddenly making decisions without her. She hung up on me. We talked a few more times, I told her I'd never leave her, but she didn't seem convinced.
Monday, I couldn't talk to her until midmorning as I was airborne. When I called her, she was still in tears and convinced I was going to start HRT, lose interest in sex and lose interest in her (side note, she's a clinical lab scientist at a fertility clinic). My layover was in the resort town of Palm Springs CA, which is about an hour from our house. I asked her if she wanted to come out to the hotel after work. She said no, she didn't want to. She was too tired from not sleeping the night before. I told her it was important to me to see her. She screamed "Don’t tell me what to do!" and hung up.
I had my first officer fly the next leg. Also, yay for the pilot ability to compartmentalize.
I got off the plane, went down to the rental car desk and paid $350 for a rental. I drove home, crying the whole way. She got me on the car phone. I told her I was heading home. She left work early and we arrived at the same time.
We both cried a lot in each other's arms. But in person, it was easier. I was rushing her, she said. Give her time, she said. And we both promised never to leave each other.
Afterwards, we went shopping. I got my first bra (bralette) and a throw. When I wasn't looking, she bought me a turquoise necklace. Blue is my favorite color.
Not to overshare, but we were intimate that evening in the way that people who aren't sure how long they have together are.
It was my turn to treat tonight, so when I got home we went out for sushi. I went in skinny jeans, riding boots, a red silk shirt and my bralette underneath. But my fiancee was there to protect me from getting beat up :P. Over sake, she called me her girlfriend and said "I fell in love with a person, not a gender". She told me she thought I should start HRT and gender counseling. I cried right there at the sushi bar.
I can't remember ever being this happy. I'm like the characters in badly written transgender story who discover their girlfriend is a witch who can turn them into a girl. Also, she's inevitably bi. For the record, my fiancee isn't-- but is open minded. I just need to give her time.
Despite all this, I know it's going to be a hard road from here. Coming out always is. But it was not just a good idea, it was something I couldn't NOT do. And I know now, I'm always going to have the woman I love in my life.
PS I'm talking to a transgender captain tomorrow to find out how she kept flying despite a dysphoria diagnosis and eventual transition. Apparently the FAA (US agency that governs aviation) changed their rules in 2016 to make it MUCH easier for transgender pilots to keep their medicals. Used to be, you needed a raft of interviews and psychological exams before they'd let you back in the cockpit.
PPS. Ever since I came out-- all of five days ago!-- I find myself crying a LOT. As if it opened a dam when I declared myself female. All I can say is, HRT is going to be ever so much fun :D. I asked my fiancee if she was ready to live with a 14 year old girl for a while.…
Continued in:
Becoming: Episode Two, Childhood