The Colorado State Open Thread for this evening has been contributed by long-time Kossack acpa. I have been inviting people to contribute diaries / stories and she has contributed one from her heart and from years of her life. Please let her know your thoughts in the comments section or, if you have something else you’d like to contribute — whatever is on your mind, you’re free to contribute that as well. In the meantime, here is what’s going on in her life at this time:
Re: Diary -sorry for delay. is this too personal?
acpa
Sun Jun 13, 2021 at 07:17 PM MDT
It’s done. The house is sold. The un-remodelled 4 bedroom two bath in a desirable Denver suburb. The house that was my residence for 13 years. And the house that seems to have only brought me years of turmoil and emotional upheaval.
It started in 2005, when I met a guy. We dated a few years, and in 2007 the relationship seemed solid enough we bought a house together. The fact was I was the only one with the credit and income to qualify for the mortgage. While he was good at covering half the costs ,the ultimate responsibility for the mortgage of this suburban house would fall on me. There was also a little boy involved, as my ex had sole custody of his 5-year old son. I was thus also thrust into the role of mom, as this little guy’s biological mom had some drug and alcohol issues.
Things got worse, as the ex had a temper. Never touched me, but was mean and verbally abusive. Btw did I mention he was a Trump supporter? No correlation there, of course. Anyhow, I lasted 3 years and 6 months, and without saying anything, made plans to rent a condo in the neighborhood. The moving van showed up, and I gave my notice and left. We’d work out the details of the house later.
And for a while it almost worked out. He said he wanted to keep the house, would assume the mortgage, etc. And then stopped paying me to live there. I was f….d. got an attorney, filed a lawsuit, and the resolution was that he quitclaimed his share of the house back to me and vacated the property. Meaning I had to move back to the 4-bedroom 2 bath suburban house (meanwhile my beloved little central Denver ranch house that I had bought in 1996 and couldn’t sell in the downturn of 2007 was being happily rented to a great tenant, who made that house his home for 10 years).
The suburban house I reluctantly, sadly moved back to was under-water in the market downturn of 2011. So, having 2 extra bedrooms, and a previous history of successfully adopting an older kid, I became a foster parent, willing to take on older kids. It didn’t take long for a kiddo to be placed with me, and the drama began anew. K was 11 at the time, and had experienced horrid abuse both at the hands of her parents and the foster care system. I naively thought, having been successful once, I could manage her behaviors. I was also under a lot of pressure to adopt her, and did so formally two years later.
I could write much much more about how our system abandons kids who get adopted and leaves their adoptive parents with way too few resources, but you probably get the picture. I was spit on, punched, holes left in walls, etc. tried everything. Therapy. Different schools. Nothing led to any improvement.
As she hit 16/17 I started to get desperate. I also started to see a therapist myself, one who specialized in adoptions, and we hatched a plan. At this point, the market had recovered, and the 4-bedroom 2 bath suburban house had appreciated enough that I was able to tap the equity, do the research, and involuntarily commit her to a very good residential treatment program in Utah. One that specialized in trauma and DBT therapy. (just as an example, there’s a very good trauma-informed treatment facility here in Denver. I called begging them to take her, only to be told she could only get admitted if a) she was adjudicated and referred by the courts, or b) was in the foster care system. WTF?)
Finally I had a breather and a partner in her excellent therapist at the RTC. This missive is getting long so I’ll summarize that she spent 11 months in treatment, checking herself out when she turned 18. She then spent 18 months or so living with me. There were improvements, but she has more work to do. She’s also a new mom to a 4-month old, and as far as I can tell has enough self-regulation skills that I don’t need to have CPS checking in on her.
But there’s one more relationship I associate with the 4-bedroom 2 bath suburban house and that’s K’s older brother F, who was both in the foster care system and the juvenile justice system. He lived with us after finishing his sentence, starting off strong, but within a year re-developing a meth habit and violating every house rule I tried to set. Unfortunately, I had to evict him, and, and he has been homeless these last few years. Last seen unresponsive in the local gas station, a needle in his arm. Revived with Narcan, sent on his way (again, wtf? Not even a 72-hour hold?). Very sad, and while I tried everything, I still feel guilt about how things turned out.
So I’m back in the beloved central Denver ranch house, living alone, and right now listening to the revived jazz concerts from my back yard.. A new family has bought the suburban home. I’m clearing enough to pay off the original mortgage, the RTC costs, and the mortgage on the beloved central Denver ranch. Plus some credit card debt. Life, tonight, is good.
The floor, of course, is yours.