As some of you know, my Dad left me when I was four. Near as I can tell, I did one thing that might have caused him to leave; I was born. I don’t remember much really. He kneeled down to my level and said he had to go. He did not say when he would be back.
In fact it was 17 years before he actually came back.
From that day in 1981 until 1998 not one word. Not a card, not a call, not a teddy bear. Then one day he came by to see how I was. I was drunk is how I was. I did not do well in my teen/early adult years. But at 21 he came back. So I gave him a chance. Long story short I later found out he got wind of a rumor that I had a large inheritance at age 21 from my grandfather.
That would be news to me. No such thing existed. He was out of my life again, coincidentally, shortly after finding that part out. I moved on. I grew, stopped drinking, went to school learned trades. I met my eventual wife, those things most young men usually find their way to.
I had fairly well even stopped giving him much thought really. Sometimes he would pop into my head, how much I don’t look like him, what might my cousins be like, that sort of thing. But mostly I moved on.
A couple of nights back, I found out how self-delusion can escape the mental closet at any time, and how devastating the consequences would be.
I was doing some ancestry research to help my mother-in-law with her family history, and decided to check on my grandfather on my father’s side. I found his obituary. In the list of survivors were listed five grandchildren. In fact, there are six. I know because I am one of them. But it did not just say five grandchildren-it named them and their locations. I had been completely omitted. I know my father wrote that obit because his dad was living with him and he was the only one who would have. Plus at the least, he would have proofread it for accuracy.
My mind raged. He wanted me to eventually see it. I could sense it. I was furious. He completely denied his firstborn son’s existence. I threw a book, I stomped, I could have bitten through a drillbit.
Then the tears started. Out of nowhere, uncontrollably, without relent. I just broke down and balled up. I had not felt this kind of pain since one of my best friends died. This was not normal pain. It wasn’t even rational. I couldn’t explain why it hurt so much. I couldn’t explain how alone I felt, how depressed, how brought down to my studs and foundation I felt.
Why? Why did this bother me so much? When I calmed down I talked to my wife and decided to research it.
I found this by Lynne Namka:
If you have anger and rage at being abandoned at an early age, there are raw places and raw nerves that have to be examined gently to become healed. The weight of the devastating emotions that are hooked to the wounded places have to be unhooked and released. Fortunately our brains have a plastic quality and can be re-mastered through conscious intent and positive approaches and exercises..
If you were rejected or deserted as a child, it is imperative that you do not abandon yourself now. It is important that you learn to be there for yourself. You will need to work through those negative core beliefs about being unworthy, unlovable or undeserving. Honor that cast-off child who was denied his or her basic needs. Give yourself permission to accept and love that little child who was unloved.
That all makes perfect sense. But none of this is entirely rational, and self-esteem was hard to come by for me, perhaps owing to abandonment. In fact in my early school years before I learned how to fake being cool, I was unpopular. Apparently parental abandonment shines through like the sun through a skylight. The kids know it, the kids use it, the kids abuse you with it.
But it isn’t just as a child, as i found that it affects you.
People with abandonment issues may experience problems in relationships because they fear that the other person will leave them. Signs and symptoms of abandonment issues in adults include:
- always wanting to please others (being a “people pleaser”)
- giving too much in relationships
- an inability to trust others
- pushing others away to avoid rejection
- feeling insecure in romantic partnerships and friendships
- codependency
- a need for continual reassurance that others love them and will stay with them
- the need to control others
- persisting with unhealthy relationships
- the inability to maintain relationships
- moving quickly from one relationship to another
- sabotaging relationships
- lack of emotional intimacy
Individuals who experienced abandonment in childhood may find themselves drawn to people who will treat them poorly and eventually leave them. When this occurs, it reinforces their fears and distrust of others.
See what happened to me is I fell into a trap I laid for myself. I went through life imagining that he had regret, that leaving his firstborn behind hurt him, that he wished he could fix it, that he wanted to apologize. I learned that this self-delusion is how I got by, how I slept at night, how I moved on.
When I found out that he felt none of those things, that he was perfectly happy to have freed himself from the yoke of his firstborn son, I crashed. Hard. All of what I had told myself had been false. He did not miss me. He did not care. And thus after all that time I felt worthless again, because there is no making an unloved child feel better about being unloved.
There is no fix for that. I had to accept that my own father did not love me, apparently regretted having me, and wanted nothing to do with me. I have not yet done that. But I learned a long time ago that people will let you down, they will hurt you they will leave you writhing in pain and those are the ones that love you! Such is life.
But I went for a walk, I calmed down. I thought about my family that does love me, my friends that do stick by me. But I know now that what he did to me does not heal, and that for the rest of my life there will be a slight limp, emotionally, unless I do something to re-aggravate it like fooling with infernal ancestry sites.
I wrote this because I know I am not the only one dealing with this, and I wanted to reach out to others who may have gone through something similar. It hurts. If I mess with the scar, it will always hurt. So if you are a teen who perhaps came across this randomly, here are some ways to seek help:
Boys Town National Hotline
Call 1-800-448-3000
- Available 24/7 hotline for all youth (regardless of gender, race, religion, etc.) in the United States
- Languages: English and Spanish (Plus translation services in over a hundred languages)
- People with speech or hearing disabilities can contact Boys Town via email, hotline@boystown.org.
- Counseling is aimed at anyone suffering with a crisis such as abuse, addiction or abandonment issues.
And if you are a teen member of the LGBTQ community and need help, the Trevor Project can assist:
Trevor Project
Call 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678678
- Available 24/7 support for LGBTQIA+ identified youth in the United States
- Free and confidential phone, text or chat services
- The Trevor Project hotline is a suicide prevention and crisis intervention hotline. However, the project does much more, such as bringing together international LGBTQ youth and allies through online communities and support groups as well as advocating for laws and policies to reduce suicide in LGBTQ youth.
Remember you are not alone. Please also remember you are not defined by your DNA, the man who contributed your sperm, or whatever is shown on the rolls of Ellis Island.
In the end, even though it is hard to believe, you are less defined by the the seed a man planted to create you, than the seeds of progress your deeds themselves plant.
Your DNA is not your choice.
Your identity is.
-ROC
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-ROC