Ted Cruz’s favorite movie is The Princess Bride. I bring it up mostly because I enjoy reminding people that everyone in the film’s cast hates him. Sure, that could be because they oppose his politics, but I prefer to think it’s more that they’re warmblooded vertebrates.
The other reason I bring it up is that the movie stars wrestling legend Andre the Giant, my one, only, and eternal answer to the question, “What celebrity, living or dead, would you most like to go out drinking with?” I’d like to think that if Andre had ever gotten in the ring (the wrestling ring, not the basketball ring) with Ted, Ted would have learned some manners. Or at least learned the difference between entertainment and real life.
If you ever wondered—as I often have myself—how much of the perpetual poo-flinging Republicans engage in is real and how much is simply performative, Rep. Eric Swalwell has the answer. It’s 99% nonsense, much like Cruz himself.
Swalwell joined the MeidasTouch podcast on Monday and offered his insight into the modern Republican Party. You may have suspected much of this, but it’s still nice to get the inside take on these scurvy scalawags.
SWALWELL: “It’s pro wrestling, to be honest. Many of my colleagues are better suited to work at the WWE. And I say that about [Rep. Matt] Gaetz because I’ve worked with him on marijuana issues, I’ve worked with him on other issues, especially really before Trumpism took off and he turned into a character, and there were times where he would laugh at himself about how stupid he had to act, you know, to keep the act going. That’s what’s so frustrating. And this may sound crazy, but if you ran into Matt Gaetz or Ted Cruz or Jim Jordan at the Santa Monica Pier, you would say, ‘These are nice guys. Boy, they’re nothing like what I see them do on Twitter or TV.’ And I write about this in the book. During the impeachment trial in the Senate, Ted Cruz came up to me, like we bumped into each other in the Senate bathroom, and he said, ‘Hey, I think you’re doing a great job out there, I just want you to know that.’ And I’m like, ‘What the fuck is this guy talking about?’ He just scorched me on Fox News, like, the night before, he tweets at me like every other week. But to him, if you’re a pro wrestler, it doesn’t matter that you hit me over the head in the ring with a steel chair. It’s all fake, right? You’re just doing what the fans want, so I should just be cool with it, because he projects onto me what he does. He thinks that I’m just performing as well, and that’s what’s most sickening is that I don’t even know what these guys believe. I really don’t. I think they just are giving what they think the fans want. … There is a colleague of mine who is a ranking member of one of the committees, and he and I had gone out before, had gone to dinner before and tried to work on some issues together like in the health care space. And again he, he started all of a sudden when it was popular to tee off on me, I’d see him on Fox News and I’d see him tweeting at me, and then like a day later we’d pass each other on the congressional steps going up to the Capitol and he’s like, ‘Hey, I’ve got a great restaurant that we need to go to, let’s try to find time to do it.’ I’m like, ‘What is this?’ But to these guys, it’s not even real. Like, it’s not real.”
Honestly, I don’t know what horrifies me more: the illusion that Ted Cruz really is as loathsome as he appears or the (apparent) reality that he’s only pretending.
Don’t get me wrong. Either way, he’s awful. After all, the last thing we need in Congress is another wrestling heel, especially if it’s this jabroni. But it would be nice to get a genuine human moment from the guy at least once. I imagine even the Zodiac Killer managed that from time to time.
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