In the year 2000, I was working at a start-up here in Silicon Valley. My initial job was to call other start-ups funded by our shared Venture Capitalist to see if there was cross pollination in terms of business opportunities. It was because of that effort I came across a young whipper-snapper named Joe (not his real name). He and I hit it off so spectacularly that I actually switched companies and went to work for his. Joe was one of the company’s founders, which consisted of people who (temporarily) dropped out of Stanford University to try and kick-start a business.
Although the CEO was brilliant, he was also an emotional abuser. We all left the company when our major benefactor stopped funding us in early 2001. Such was the times during the “dot bomb” days of Silicon Valley.
Joe eventually finished his college degree and we remained friends. He came to my house and played with my kids. We ate together and laughed heartily. We liked the same movies. Not only did we share common work experiences and were both suffering from PTSD from the abuse of the CEO, we also shared common values. Both of us were Jewish and we both shared goals when it came to politics and policy. Over time, we separated by distance, but were never really far apart due to Facebook.
During the George W Bush years, it wasn’t uncommon for either of us to post anti-war items on Facebook and then have each other’s back when the eventual flame wars started in the comments. We both campaigned for Barack Obama. He was very active in Occupy Wall Street and even travelled to DC for the Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert “Rally to Restore Sanity” on the National Mall. In short, we were friends.
My friend is now someone I no longer understand and I’m going to have to say goodbye. This diary is my first real attempt to consolidate my thoughts of his transformation.
Joe first started to understand that something was wrong in his life when his relationship with his girlfriend became unfulfilling. He also lost his mother and grandmother in short succession and was estranged from his father. I was unaware of these events.
He decided to take a trip around the world to discover himself. He sold most of his possessions and took off, alone. What was supposed to be one year turned into four. During his travels, his adventures were amazing. He immersed himself for prolonged periods of time in some of the most out-of-the-way and disparate cultures he could find. He rarely said no to food choices or places to sleep. His stories would make your jaw drop, and he documented most of them in an amazing blog he maintained. His intelligence and creativity shined through in his photographs and his prose. He returned to the United States, and ended his travels, in March of 2020 when Covid-19 forced a national lock-down.
In order to cut down on an overly long diary, I’ll simply cut to the chase: Joe has fully swallowed the “red pill” and is (in my opinion) trying to become the titular head of the Manosphere. From Wikipedia:
The manosphere is a heterogeneous group of online communities that includes men's-rights activists (MRAs),[2] incels (involuntary celibates),[3] Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW),[4] pick-up artists (PUAs),[5] and fathers' rights groups.[6] Some of these groups have adversarial relationships with one another.[15] Debbie Ging writes that several groups, such as MRAs and PUAs, "exaggerate their differences in displays of infight posturing, in spite of the fact that their philosophies are almost identical".[16]
While the specifics of each group's ideology sometimes conflict, the general ideology of manosphere groups centers on the promotion of masculinity, strong opposition to feminism, and misogyny.[17] Journalist Caitlin Dewey argues that the main tenets of the manosphere can be reduced to (1) the corruption of modern society by feminism, in violation of inherent sex differences between men and women; and (2) the ability of men to save society or achieve sexual prowess by adopting a hyper-masculine role and forcing women to submit to them.[18]
The term “red pill” is derived from the movie “The Matrix” and represents any man who accepts the manosphere’s ideology. I’ll let you dig as deep as you want into that world, but suffice it to say, I disagree with it entirely. Be careful and tread lightly. It’s dark there.
After Joe returned from his trip, I was unaware of his transformation so I picked up my communications with him where we left off. I wanted to know what he was going to do next. I was quickly made aware of his new worldview, and his new Christianity, by his invitation for me to listen to his podcast and watch videos of his interviews on YouTube. At first, because I have a 20+ year history with him, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and was enthralled by his stories and his very quick ascension in that world. After listening to hours and hours of his podcasts/videos, it was clear to me that he was talking almost exclusively to people in that world who are considered “leaders.” At one point in our back-and-forth, I asked him if there was any place in the mansophere for a “proud and loyal progressive Democrat.” His response to me was, “If you listen. Just listen and not argue, there could be.”
This was chilling. Those words have haunted me, because he has said them a few times. “Just listen.” When you listen, you aren’t in an active conversation or debate. You are conscribed a position of inferiority and powerlessness. You listen and obey is the message I received. That was the moment I lost my friend.
In an excellent article/expose on Jezabel, noted feminist author Tracy Clark-Flory wrote an essay called “The Manosphere’s Existential Crisis is building the Future of the Far Right” wherein she claims it is a movement in search of a leader.
And now, frighteningly, I believe that leader has been found. It’s only a matter of time before Joe is either crowned or he adeptly claims the mantel for himself. In a fractured society, it takes someone as experienced, bold, and pedigreed as Joe to do what I think he is doing. And to be accepted by the group. In a little under a year and a half of him being active in that world, he already has a speaking slot at their annual convention, called 21Con which takes place next month in Orlando.
Readers, I really don’t know what to do or even how to think about all of this. This is not a case of a family member (or friend) who is lost to the right and now holiday dinners are uncomfortable. This is someone I know and have an historic deep respect and love for, who may very well lead a mass of mostly white men into battle. In a cryptic tweet a week ago, he mentioned “two weeks” which of course, is 9/18.
I am scared.
I am lost.