First, a little backstory…
When I was young and dumb, before college, I wasn’t a progressive. Hell, I wasn’t even a Democrat. I was a pretty rabid republican in the style of “The Wolf of Wall Street” and Reaganomics. And in the truest sense of “Knowledge has a Liberal Bias” I changed in college. While I was killing myself getting my Master’s in Mechanical Engineering, Magna Cum Laude no less, while the general mindset was C’s get degrees, I absorbed a lot that was around me like an exhausted harassed sponge. I was a loner even back then, but I at least understood the concept of relationships, and how to treat someone how I wanted to be treated. I still was learning, but I was at least on the right path, often without a map.
Skip from 1993 to today. I’m in my early 50’s now, retired due to rupturing a grand total of 5 discs in my back with the associated sciatica and stenosis. While I see a few of my lessons from my youth shining in how things ought to be done, I saw quite a few that were sabotaged, half-assed in execution, or just plain ignored. Voting is the one that infuriates me the most, because I see the right to vote inextricably linked, and the foundation of equality in all areas of life. Yeah, racism is rampant and reprehensible. So is misogyny and religious intolerance. But I don’t think the fight for any of this would be such a sysyphean task if we could get just voting to actually work for and be fair to everyone. Anyway, I digress. Back to why I’m writing this.
My circle has shrunk over the years. I don’t know if it’s the mental inflexibility that seems to happen to some people as they age, or if it’s the constant vomitus of propaganda from Faux Nutz that’s in every godforsaken waiting room in the damned state, or they are just tired of trying, but it’s there. To be fair, a few friends have passed away, and quite a few have basically said Piss Off Indiana and bailed. But it’s happened.
I’ve been through too much lately. I’ve had a mild stroke, but I’m lucky that it’s more just a huge inconvenience than damaging. I’ve had to go from being right-handed to left-handed. Considering that being a righty was forced on me in grade school, even after all this time it hasn’t been a massive struggle. Still trying to save up enough money to reinstate my driver’s license even though no mental faculties were affected in any way. I’ve had a relationship that was built under false pretenses crash and burn, plus 2 family members passed away from COVID. I’m used to being alone, but now I’m lonely.
It’s not just your average depressive loneliness. This is “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” type stuff. I’m in Trumpanzee Central. Antivaxx/antimask, Guns-as-a-Sexual-Fetish, Hate Preacher On Every Corner, Fauci is Satan, absolute Bizzaro world. It’s bad here folks. Even our old friend Shower Cap couldn’t make this funny.
I just need a friend. Not words on a screen, not a voice on a phone line. Someone I could get a hug, a cup of decent tea, and a heartfelt “It will get better.” Someone who doesn’t think the people I want in charge are murdering babies in a pizza parlor basement that’s built on a concrete slab. I’m pretty much in a pit of despair about someone with that description even being in the same state as me, let alone county or town.
I don’t like the way I’m having to end this. I don’t have a closing statement, or how I am going to attempt to make it better, or even just making a “I’m gonna hang tough” statement. Because once I hit publish, I’m out of ideas and options. I’m not thinking about anything stupid, but how do I just stop thinking?