It’s been one of those fuck-you-for-living-here winter weeks in Chicago, and since Omicron hasn’t quite moved on, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to crawl under some fluffy-ass blankets, and experiment with hot cocktails. Despite such lovely intentions, between the shrill, unceasing squeak of my apartment building’s heating unit, pulsing Edgar Allan Poe-ly outside my office window, and the steady stream of wingnut fuckery in my news feed, I have instead gone quite mad. The toddies have been nice, however.
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Before we dive into the deep end of the septic tank, let’s pop by the demented day care center known as the “House Republican Conference” real quick, shall we? Ah. I see Dan Crenshaw pitched a fit at a 10-year-old girl, Madison Cawthorn figured a Veterans’ Affairs Committee hearing was an appropriate setting to fiddle with his firearm, and Lauren Boebert hilariously accused a group of Jewish visitors to the Capitol of conducting “reconnaissance.”
…America, as you flirt with the idea of handing control of the United States government to this meth lab clown show, just…I mean, caveat freaking emptor, y’know?
A welcome victory in the war against disinformation, as the odious hate-mongers of One America “News” Network got booted off DirecTV, a potentially cataclysmic deplatforming. Good. Fuck you. Say hi to Milo Yiannopoulos for me, when you finally hit pavement in whatever slum of obscurity you shitbags wind up in once you’ve lost the ability to monetize your bile. Hey, DO FOX NEXT.
I hope the future alien anthropologists picking through the ruins of our garbage civilization make note of the annual right-wing ritual observed this week; the ceremonial contortion of Martin Luther King Jr. quotes by the growing-more-white-supremacist-daily Republican Party is, in my opinion, perhaps the most fascinating of 21st-century conservatism’s admittedly primitive traditions.
Like…who do y’all think you’re fooling?* Even Mitch McConnell, who’s normally a Jedi master when it comes to keeping the bullshit straight, can’t stop himself from stamping an asterisk onto the end of the term “African-American.” You fucks can butcher public school curriculums wherever you’re able, but you cannot conceal what you’ve become. “Racism isn’t real HEY PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE UNAPOLOGETIC WHITE NATIONALISTS IN OUR CAUCUS.”
Still, they’re really betting heavy on this critical race theory tantrum, aren’t they? On a certain level, I respect the honesty of confessing the only way to create new generations of Republican voters is to indoctrinate children with ridiculous falsehoods, but it’s still straight-up Nazi shit. Don’t forget that.
I mean, Ol’ Glenn Youngkin planted that fashy little flag on day one. “In MY state, we LIE to our kids!” sez Glenn. Good thing Election Day happened to land right in the middle of that two-week inflation scare, now this malicious dolt gets to be Governor for four whole years. Oh, and say goodbye to blue state Covid rules, (the ones that, y’know…work) let’s give the Tate Reeves approach a try; it’s bread n’ funerals, not circuses, a death cult craves.
And down in DeSantistan, the Fuck Your Feelings Party is attempting to outlaw the truth, wheresoever the truth might make any individual white person feel “discomfort” or “guilt,” (though I’m sure, when the replacement propaganda causes “discomfort” in non-white students and parents, they’ll be treated equally under the law. Y’know, like with stand your ground.) because there ain’t no fascist whinier than an American fascist.
I see a group of former Trumpworld enablers n’ collaborators have banded together to “strategize” ways to keep a certain flushed turd from clawing his way back up from the sewer. While the names associated with this movement (John Kelly, Stephanie Grisham, John Bolton, the goddamn Mooch) tend to bring out my Who Farted in Church After First Eating Six Pounds of Yak Rectums face, I certainly wish them well in this endeavor**.
The Supreme Court, those ingrates, will merrily strip reproductive rights from millions of women without batting an eye, but when their ol’ pal Donnie (who stole a couple of ‘em their very jobs) needs help shredding a little evidence, suddenly everybody but Clarence Thomas is “washing their hair,” or “laughing at the idiot manchild who never grasped how everyone around him was using him.”
And while the Deposed Dotard’s instincts on nearly every aspect of the human condition, from What Championship Athletes Eat to How to Wear Pants, tend towards the buffoonish, on this one, I have to admit, the impulse to conceal these particular documents was spot freakin’ on.
Cuz about ten seconds after the National Archives released that shit, we got a look at an absolutely chilling draft executive order, directing the seizure of voting machines by the Defense Department, making Sydney Krakhead Powell a Special Counsel to “investigate” the election, like some dipshit mirror universe Bob Mueller, and appointing Stephen Miller Duke of Wisconsin.
There were also, just for laffs, some unused “Remarks on National Healing,” in case Donald Trump decided to throw in the towel and do the right thing for once. I suppose, at such heights, the line between optimism and delusion gets blurry.
ANYHOO, even as SCOTUS tightened one of the many the vises clamped to Off-Brand Orbán’s withered, dusty nutsack, an Atlanta district attorney asked a judge to convene a grand jury in her own investigation of the whole “criminal attempt to overthrow the democratically-elected government” thing. Now, I don’t know what sort of lawyers are left once you’ve blown through the Rudy Giulianis and Lin Woods of the world, but I can’t imagine you want them representing you under such circumstances. Tee hee.
A wave of terror descended upon Washington D.C.’s thriving cocaine dealer community, following news that Kimberly Guilfoyle’s cellphone records had been subpoenaed by th’feds. Eric’s, too; and you know that boy’s phone is 1/3rd seditious conspiracy, 1/3rd kiddie porn, and 1/3rd Google searches for shit like “can you pick your nose so hard you puncture your brain?”
Sifting through the wreckage of the dying days of the Turd Reich…I get it, it’s necessary, but it’s like staring directly into the puckered butthole of madness. The very worst human beings alive, who are also somehow the dumbest (thank god), flailing around in a state of hysteria, willing to commit any crime in order to cling to power. Actively in search of such crimes, in fact. The more we learn about what these scumbags were thinking and saying to each other at the time, the more I want to just scream my throat raw.
Like, we got to see Sean Hannity’s text message exchanges with Kayleigh McEnany from the Stoopid Coo. Now, McEnany was the White House Press Secretary, part of the President’s inner circle. Oval Office access. And Hannity, for the unfamiliar, is an unimpressive white fellow who says foolish things on television. I guess what I’m getting at is WHY THE FUCK WAS SEAN GOAT-FELLATING HANNITY IN CONTACT WITH THE WHITE HOUSE DURING A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS?
I suppose the gameshowification of American politics was always destined to end in phone-a-friend insurrection. But how much better do you sleep now, knowing there’s nobody left in the executive branch bellowing GET ME HANNITY when shit goes down?
Speaking of Hairplug Himmler’s elite crisis management team, seems Rudy G…hang on, I want to get this right, it says he “oversaw (the) fake electors plot in 7 states.” Now, that feels like the sort of headline that should take up the whole top half of the paper, doesn’t it? “President’s lawyer led criminal conspiracy to steal presidency?” But it wasn’t, and somewhere, Steve Bannon nods approvingly, telling some lurking henchman, “that’s why you flood the zone with shit.”
Anyway, somebody should probably arrest Rudy by now, right? Or, it’s probably more useful to just tap his phone and let him run wild; he does have a talent for entangling people in interesting crimes.
Ok. I have to go mourn Meat Loaf now. I know, I know…believe me, I KNOW. Let me just say, there’s been a lotta Loaf on in the background over the years, during the composition of these little rants. You stay safe out there, friends.
*Ok, fine, Candace Owens and who else?
**But DON’T GIVE THEM MONEY. Share their shit, sure; save your money for Democrats. Maybe McMullin, if he looks competitive.
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