Late Night Snark: Dumb & Dumber Edition
"Friday was Vladimir Putin's 70th birthday, and Ukraine gave him a really special gift: they blew up the bridge connecting Russia to Crimea—Boom! Make a wish and blow it out, Vlad."
—Stephen Colbert
"Putin convened a meeting today of his national security council. There were no survivors."
—Seth Meyers
"Planned Parenthood says it will soon open its first mobile abortion clinic in the country, which will make it easier to provide care to patients anywhere in the country that Herschel Walker has visited."
—Colin Jost, SNL
Continued...
You are now below the fold, where the Red Sox have never lost a game. Ever.
"It really is hard to believe we live in a country where scientists who are smart enough to target and hit an asteroid that's 11-million miles away live right next door to people who are so dim they think vaccines turn you into a refrigerator magnet."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"If you don’t believe elections are the way we decide who’s in power, how exactly would you like us to choose you? If you don’t think that elections are how people should get into power in America, I don’t know what you want me to do for you, but I’m disinclined to vote for you.”
—Rachel Maddow on The Tonight Show, on the fact that most Republican candidates believe the 2020 elections were stolen (except, of course, the ones Republicans won) and the whole system is still rigged.
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"Representative Marjorie Taylor-Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. He officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split, while she blamed the Jews."
—Michael Che, SNL
"The primary drivers of these protests [in Iran] are young, defiant, they are fed-up with the status quo, and they deserve our sustained attention. To the young people of Iran, let me say this: you are all absolutely fucking amazing."
—John Oliver
"I've never been healthier—I just had my physical and they said my liver is too big to fail!"
—Rudy Giuliani (John Lithgow) on The Late Show
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 14, 2022
Note: Just a heads-up that there will be no C&J on Monday, as we will be attending a gallivanting training seminar. Back Tuesday with a certificate of completion and a bad case of windburn. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections: 25
Days 'til the Boardwalk Chili Cookoff in Santa Cruz, California: 8
Amount by which inflation is expected to drop over the next six months, according to Moody’s Analytics: 1/2
Factor by which Americans approve of vacating convictions for pot possession: 2-to-1
Boxes of oranges that'll be produced in Florida this season, down from 41 million during the previous season and the lowest yield since 1943: 28 million
Height and weight of the baby Budweiser Clydesdales—a colt and a filly—born at the Warm Springs Ranch in Missouri: 3 feet, 150 pounds
Rank of chocolate, candy corn, and gummies among the most popular Halloween candy, according to the National Confectioners Association: #1, #2, #3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to a grand finale. The House January 6 Select Committee met one last time yesterday, providing new footage and damning testimony from Trump supporters. You can read the highlights here at NBC News, which somehow managed to peel off a few reporters from their new #1 mission of reporting hourly on how many words John Fetterman "smushed together" so far this week BECAUSE OF HIS STROKE YES JOHN FETTERMAN HAD A STROKE HAVE YOU HEARDABOUT HIS STROKE???!!! But my summary is better than theirs, and from all the calls I've been getting today the Pulitzer Committee agrees:
» Donald Trump knew he lost and still incited an insurrection like the traitor he was born to be. Criminal charges should be a no-brainer. Fuck Trump.
» The Secret Service, now infested with MAGAts, knew exactly what was going down days before it happened and they let it all happen anyway. Fuck the Secret Service.
» Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer are the only members of leadership who actually did anything to stop the MAGA invasion, courageously demanding troops get their asses over to the Capitol while simultaneously changing the soiled diapers of the petrified Republican leadership writhing on the floor clutching their ankles and begging for their mommies. Fuck the Republican leadership.
» Nancy Pelosi has earned a statue on the National Mall for many reasons, but this currently tops the list:
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And while the hearings were happening, the Supreme Court justice in charge of hearing appeals from the 11th Circuit Court looked up briefly from his porn and said "no" to the 45th president's attempt to gum up the DOJ's investigation into the classified documents he stole on the way out the White House door. Astonishingly, the speed record for yelling "Fuck you, Clarence Thomas" now belongs to Donald Trump—87 times in 60 seconds. I think we can all put aside our partisan differences for a moment and agree: that's impressive.
CHEERS to mo' money, mo' money, mo' money. Great news, seniors: your Social Security checks are getting beefed up next year:
Millions of Social Security recipients will get an 8.7% boost in their benefits in 2023. [...] The cost-of-living adjustment means the average recipient will receive more than $140 extra a month beginning in January, according to estimates released Thursday by the Social Security Administration.
The boost in benefits. the biggest in 40 years, will be coupled with a 3% drop in Medicare Part B premiums, meaning retirees will get the full impact of the jump in Social Security benefits.
Courtesy of your friendly DEMOCRATIC administration. Please remember that in the midterms. And good luck at Bingo tonight.
CHEERS to that guy America really, really liked. Happy 132nd birthday to Dwight D. "Ike" Eisenhower, bringer-downer of the Third Reich and our 34th president. According to author Cormac O'Brien (Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents), Eisenhower loved golf and played at least 150 rounds a year during his presidency, a right he earned because he worked hard and smart and responsibly. And while the deplorables went apeshit over Hillary Clinton's brief bout of pneumonia in 2016, they say nothing about Ike’s heart attacks, his intestinal affliction known as ileitis (a cousin of Crohn's disease), and his 1957 cerebral occlusion during which he terrified wife Mamie by "stuttering a bunch of incoherent words" and then "pounding his fists in frustration at not being able to enunciate his own thoughts." Then there's this:
His domestic agenda bore a striking resemblance to those of his Democratic predecessors.
He expanded Social Security and spent lavishly on public works projects such as the interstate highway system. Though mostly silent on issues of race, he intervened forcefully to support the desegregation of schools in Little Rock, Arkansas [and signed into law the first civil rights bill in 82 years].
He was also just as disgusted as Harry Truman had been by Senator Joe McCarthy's rabid anticommunism rabble-rousing.
Plus he famously had a few harsh words for our out-of-control military-industrial complex that, ironically, he helped create. Pay your respects here. And once more, for old time's sake: Sieg heil! [Thppt!] Heil! [Thppt!] right in der Fuhrer's face.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to girls with grenades. Twenty-four years ago Sunday, the dedication of the Women In Military Service Memorial began with a candlelight march starting at the Lincoln Memorial and moving across the Memorial Bridge to Arlington National Cemetery. It was well-received when it officially opened a few days later…
The vast majority of critics highly lauded the Women in Military Service for America Memorial.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution said it "breaks new conceptual ground in paying tribute to U.S. military personnel, much like the Vietnam Veterans Memorial did in 1982." Gail Russell Chaddock, writing for the Christian Science Monitor, said it was nothing like any other memorial or monument in the city, and singled out the computerized database of women veterans as its greatest strength.
Benjamin Forgey of The Washington Post called it a "resounding success" that "enhances an already splendid setting in a number of ways". Its greatest strength, he said, was the way in which it was "insistently respectful" of the [existing 1932] Hemicycle and Arlington National Cemetery. He also singled out the "serious," "uncomplicated and unostentatious" interiors. His lengthy review concluded that the memorial was "a brilliant, sensitive design" and "a memorable public place."
The memorial is dedicated to women who serve in the Armed Forces in times of war. But also in times of peace. Thanks to President Biden, we get to have those again.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Super great news! Yesterday we went down to Woolworth and tested all our TV tubes in the tube testing machine (by the lunch counter, next to the blood pressure cuff machine), and they're all in great shape for weekend TV viewing. Hot damn!
It starts the usual way, with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC gang sifting through the Friday news dump on MSNBC. At 8:30 on Firing Line (PBS), exiled Iranian journalist Masih Alinejad talks with Margaret Hoover about the women’s/girls protests. Then you can catch the season premiere of Whose Line Is It Anyway? at 9 on The CW.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The latest Halloween flick with promising young newcomer Jamie Lee Curtis opens today.) Or you can watch SPORTS WHOOOOOO!!! The NFL schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the baseball playoff schedule is here. (Go Red Sox!)
Megan Thee Stallion, whom I’ve never heard of but I think it’s nice Lorne Michaels is giving a member of the equine community some airtime, hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: a report on the world’s largest wind farm in Grimsby, England and a profile of NFL Hall of Famer Deion Sanders. Marge is hired to work on Krusty’s new daytime talk show on The Simpsons, and Stewie renovates his treehouse on Family Guy. And the weekend comes to a extended-pinky close with John Oliver, a fresh spot of tea, and a new edition of Last Week Tonight (11pm, HBO).
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: House Jan. 6 Committee member Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL); Doc Fauci’s “exclusive exit interview”; Maggie Haberman
Face the Nation: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg; ambassador of Ukraine to the U.S. Oksana Markarova; Professor of economics and public policy at the University of Michigan Betsey Stevenson.
CNN's State of the Union: Arizona governor candidates Katie Hobbs (D) and Kari Lake (The Cult); Colorado Senate candidates Michael Bennet (D) and Joe O’Dea (The Cult).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 14, 2012
JEERS to ominous omens of great omeninity. It's happened in a bunch of other cities but this is the closest it's come to Portland, Maine. An electronic road-work sign was reprogrammed to read:
WARNING
ZOMBIES
AHEAD!
That can mean only one thing: the tea party is planning a convention here. Lock your doors and hide the children.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to good advice. Possibly the cutest story in American politics. 162 years ago today, in 1860, an eleven year-old girl named Grace Bedell put quill to parchment and suggested to candidate Abraham Lincoln that he might win the election more easily if he dropped the innocent boy-next-door look and whiskered up:
I have yet got four brothers and part of them will vote for you any way and if you let your whiskers grow I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you you would look a great deal better for your face is so thin.
All the ladies like whiskers and they would tease their husbands to vote for you and then you would be President. My father is going to vote for you and if I was a man I would vote for you to but I will try to get every one to vote for you that I can.
As they say, the rest is history. By the way, during his presidency—you can look it up—Lincoln went through exactly four score and seven beard combs. Eerie.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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