I never watch Fox News anymore, but I do see a lot of their clips online. I know they have a comedy show now, but I can’t figure out if it’s the one hosted by Greg Gutfeld or the one where Judge Jeanine Pirro impersonates a concussed Muppet. Watching Fox in this way is sort of like tasting small pours at a Napa Valley winery instead of, say, slurping down the dodgy contents of an entire wine spittoon (which, coincidentally, is the single most fitting way to describe watching whatever it is that Jeanine Pirro does).
Of course, I am aware that Fox is trying to distract us again with the wacky exploits of their fave bête noire, Hillary Clinton, whose every move and statement gets endlessly parsed by the network’s army of bad-faith actors. In this case, they’re elevating some misleading piffle that I admittedly don’t entirely understand—though I suspect it all ends with Hillary warmly toasting Lord Satan with a sweet, insouciant baby’s blood digestif.
On Thursday, during a keynote address at the New York State Democratic Convention, Secretary Clinton did more than just scold Fox for its disingenuous handling of, well, everything—she also hinted that if they don’t mind their manners, they may end up welcoming yet another process server to their doorstep.
CLINTON: “We can’t get distracted, whether it’s by the latest culture war nonsense or some new right-wing lie on Fox or Facebook. By the way, they’ve been coming after me again lately, in case you might have noticed. It’s funny. The more trouble Trump gets into, the wilder the charges and conspiracy theories about me seem to get. So now his accountants have fired him and investigations draw closer to him, and right on cue the noise machine gets turned up, doesn’t it? Fox leads the charge with accusations against me, counting on their audience to fall for it again. And as an aside, they’re getting awfully close to actual malice in their attacks. But as I said, don’t get distracted. Don’t let the extremes of any or either side throw us off course. Focus on the solutions that matter to voters, not the slogans that only matter on Twitter.”
“Awfully close to actual malice” is a message, folks—and an indication that maybe, just maybe, Hillary is thinking of suing. Eventually. Or at the very least brushing the network back with a bit of well-timed chin music.
And, of course, Clinton is right about what they’re doing. Donald Trump’s business empire and presidential legacy are dissolving like a pair of rhino suppositories during a Serengeti solstice, and they need to distract you with something.
That said, I feel like “Crooked” Hillary will get the last laugh before it’s all over. And I can hardly fucking wait.
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