Volodymyr Zelensky, who has rebuffed American offers for safe passage out of Ukraine because he insists on fighting to the death for his country, is a Ukrainian national superhero. Donald Trump, on the other hand, once refused to honor American military dead at a hallowed World War I cemetery because he didn’t want to get his hair mussed.
And yet the media still insist on asking him questions they already know the answer to.
REPORTER: “[Zelensky is] not abandoning his people in Ukraine and he’s taking up arms for his countrymen. If you were in a similar situation as president, would you take up arms like Zelensky?”
TRUMP: “Well, you never know about bravery. Some people think they’re brave and they’re not brave, and other people don’t think of themselves as very brave and they step up. You never know until you get tested.”
Uh-huh. A simple “no” would suffice, Bone Spurious.
According to Newsweek, Trump went on to say, “And he's [Zelensky] being tested at the highest level and so far he's really shown great leadership and great bravery.”
For once, Trump said something that’s true—or at least not grotesquely false. You really don’t know about bravery until you’re tested. And, coincidentally enough, Trump has been tested before—and failed spectacularly.
I’ve squirreled away several of the most egregious Trump stories in the squalid little nooks of my decaying brain, and while my brain frequently rebels by threatening to make me think of a naked, lightly oiled Chris Christie loitering a bit too long at the Holiday Inn brunch omelet station again, I feel it’s important that I be able to regale y’all with these tales when circumstances demand it.
So here’s the man who valiantly overcame a crushing bone spurs diagnosis, so he could bravely resume his golf cheating, discussing “great leadership” on the Howard Stern Show:
“I was at Mar-a-Lago and we had this incredible ball, the Red Cross Ball, in Palm Beach, Florida. And we had the Marines. And the Marines were there, and it was terrible because all these rich people, they’re there to support the Marines, but they’re really there to get their picture in the Palm Beach Post … so you have all these really rich people, and a man, about 80 years old—very wealthy man, a lot of people didn’t like him—he fell off the stage.” […]
“So what happens is, this guy falls off right on his face, hits his head, and I thought he died. And you know what I did? I said, ‘Oh my God, that’s disgusting,’ and I turned away. I couldn’t, you know, he was right in front of me and I turned away. I didn’t want to touch him … he’s bleeding all over the place, I felt terrible. You know, beautiful marble floor, didn’t look like it. It changed color. Became very red. And you have this poor guy, 80 years old, laying on the floor unconscious, and all the rich people are turning away. ‘Oh my God! This is terrible! This is disgusting!’ and you know, they’re turning away. Nobody wants to help the guy. His wife is screaming—she’s sitting right next to him, and she’s screaming.”
But, sure, he’d stay in Washington, D.C., with his rifle, gripping a half-spent cigar between gritted teeth as he mowed down enemy forces one by one. I can totally see that. I can also see him fighting a seagull over a McRib in a Target parking lot. And I’ll tell you what—one of those is a lot easier to imagine than the other. I’ll let you guess which.
Donald Trump doesn’t care about America enough to defend it from anything, much less an armed invasion. And he sure as shit doesn’t care about Ukrainians, unless he’s actively attempting to extort them. He cares about himself. I would have thought that was obvious enough to be taken as a given by now.
But hey, keep asking questions, media. I’m sure he’ll start acting “presidential” any day now. Or “ex-presidential,” as the case may be.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.