You have got to hand it to the Ukrainians. Not only are they badasses, they also manage to be hilarious even under fire. The head of the Anti-corruption Agency of Ukraine sent a letter to Russian Defense Minister Shoigu thanking him for embezzling all the funds of the Russian army, which has proven a great aid to Ukraine.
o: Minister of Defense of the Russian Federation Sergei SHOIGU
Re: THANK YOU LETTER
The National Agency on Corruption Prevention (“Agency”) supports all representatives of foreign states who contribute to the development of Ukrainian anti-corruption bodies, as well as help in strengthening democratic institutions in Ukraine.
In this regard, the Agency expresses its sincere gratitude to the Minister of Defense of the Russian Federation, Sergei Shoigu, for his invaluable contribution to the fact that Russian means and support resources for the attack on Ukraine were stolen even before they were accumulated on the border of the two states.
Participating in the methodical, systematic, and long-term theft of the budgetary funds of the Russian Federation, which were allocated for the development of military potential, Sergei Shoigu, together with other officials of the defense sector, contributed to the acceleration of the liquidation of the occupiers on the lands of the sovereign state of Ukraine.
The persistence of Ministry of Defense officials and the armed forces of the Russian Federation to embezzle funds from Russian taxpayers that should have gone to the needs of the army makes it much easier to defend democratic Ukraine.
Thanks to this, Ukrainian anti-corruption institutions, which work to ensure transparency in the use of public funds, counteract corruption, fraud, and economic crime, [our Agency] will be able to resume their activities as soon as possible instead of wasting time on destroying the occupiers on their land, as well as scrap metal brought to the territory of our state.
The military and Ukrainian intelligence team document numerous examples of this undoubtedly important activity.
In particular, the protection of Russian tanks T-72 and T-80 made from cardboard egg trays. Without a doubt, these means of protecting military equipment deserve to become a separate assessment factor in the PowerIndex when forming the Global Firepower rating of the strongest armies in the world.
The Agency also expresses its deep gratitude to Mr. Shoigu for the use of ZIL-130 cars to transport personnel, which has no analogs in the world. While these cars are obviously comfortable to the Russian soldiers as they feel light dizziness during the Ukrainian March frosts, the speed of movement of this vehicle, as well as its bright aquamarine color, allow the local territorial defense forces to effectively undergo training in the operation of modern weapons against light targets.
Special thanks also go to those that provide the Russian army with military food packages, the expiration date of which is due to 2015. Due to the lack of food, the Russian occupation troops abandon military equipment and surrender to the local residents of Ukrainian villages in order to eat.
We also admired your bulletproof vests made of cardboard worn by the crew members of the captured Russian Barnaul-T armored car, instead of the armored plates.
[The] bulletproof vests were so strong, they were damaged by conventional small arms. In this regard, we express special gratitude, because now the armored car serves in the ranks of the Ukrainian defense forces and helps to resist the aggressor.
We also want to draw your attention to the fact that our army found a bulletin named “On the procedure for detecting corruption and other violations when identifying a conflict of interest in military units” in place of the armored plates.
Impressed by such a thorough and detailed methodological support for the military personnel of the occupying forces, the Agency’s experts prepared a number of recommendations for further inclusion in the relevant bulletins.
Thus, according to the generally accepted definition, a conflict of interest is the presence of private interest in the area in which a person performs his/her official or representative powers, which may affect the objectivity or impartiality of his/her decision-making.
We see the risk that, despite the presence of mobile crematoria brought to the territory of Ukraine by the command of the General Staff of the Armed Forces of the Russian Federation, the private interest of a Russian soldier to save his life instead of following the orders of his commander is still extremely high. In this regard, we propose to reduce the likelihood of a conflict of interest by supplementing the bulletins with the following step-by-step instructions:
“In case of crossing the border with Ukraine, a Russian serviceman is obliged to:
– go to the nearest settlement;
– move away from the equipment at a safe distance and drop their weapon;
– ask forgiveness for crossing the border without passport control;
– wait for the Ukrainian military, who will allow him to call his mother; and
– wait for his return home.”
We look forward to fruitful cooperation in taking into account our recommendations.
Attached to the letter of thanks, we send photos illustrating the above achievements. We are sending the letter now, while [you still have foreign/non-Russian] computer equipment in Russia that allows you to view the relevant photographs.
Head of the Agency
The letter is funny but true. Russian corruption has been as important to Ukrainian success as Javelin anti-tank missiles. I detailed how corruption has destroyed the Russian military in this story. The Ukrainian Minister of Defense earlier today reportedly said that Ukraine will totally understand if Russia capitulates now.
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