How many of you believe Donald Trump doesn’t know what a burner phone is? Because, believe it or not, that’s what he’s trying to tell us.
How do we know he’s lying? If he’d really just learned about burner phones, he’d be telling everyone on the planet about this amazing new technology no one has ever heard of before. Because, like a toddler who thinks his parents were conjured into existence on the very day he was born, Donald Trump apparently believes no one can possibly know basic facts that Donald Trump has never heard before.
Another reason to think Trump is lying about burner phones? He’s shady as fuck, that’s why. It’s like asking us to believe Frederic Chopin didn’t know what the black keys were for.
But, hey, we can skip over all that and simply rely on the eyewitness testimony of former Trump national security adviser/evil reanimated Wilford Brimley placenta John Bolton, who’s been calling B.S. on Trump’s effervescent inanities since leaving the administration in September 2019:
John Bolton, the former national security adviser in the Trump administration, told CBS News on Tuesday that he had heard former President Donald Trump use the phrase "burner phones" in several discussions and the former president knew what it meant.
White House records obtained by CBS News and The Washington Post show Trump did not use his phone for over seven hours on January 6, 2021 during the attack on the U.S. Capitol, and the House select committee investigating the attack is looking into whether he used a "burner phone," or a personal disposable phone whose contacts could not be traced.
In response, the former president said he had never heard of the phrase "burner phone."
Right. That’s plausible. I mean, it’s safe to assume Trump regularly orders pizzas with burner phones so they don’t come with off-menu toppings. And so he can fool sex workers into thinking a marginally less jowly monster is calling.
Unless he was literally stuck on the potty because someone had moved his toilet Crisco (a far more plausible scenario than his not knowing what a burner phone is), you can pretty much rest assured he was actively involved in shenanigans during the seven-hour gap on Jan. 6 when he was supposedly incommunicado.
You know it, John Bolton knows it, the American people know it.
And now, with apologies to Jon Stewart, your moment of Zen:
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.