Looks like a key part of the Putin-Trump-GOP turducken has quietly dislodged its head from its docking station and is looking for a new alpha male to imprint on.
Sen. Ted Cruz—one of God’s worst-ever creations, currently locked in the 17th spot between ischemic heart disease and the drunk homunculus in Ted’s mouth who writes his jokes—somehow thinks we’ve forgotten his repeated abject genuflections to his lord and savior, Cheesus Trump.
On Friday, while campaigning for David McCormick—who’s battling Hippocratic Oaf (and Trump endorsee) “Dr.” Mehmet Oz in the GOP primary for one of Pennsylvania’s U.S. Senate seats—Cruz mocked his fellow travelers in the Republican Party who eagerly suck up to Trump.
No, really. I’m not making that up. Watch:
CRUZ: “Just once, I’d love to see a Republican candidate stand up at a primary and say, ‘I’m a moderate, establishment squish. I stand for absolutely nothing.’ It would be refreshingly honest, at least. But nobody says that. And by the way, they all pledge their love for Donald Trump. ‘I love Donald Trump.’ ‘No, no I love Donald Trump more.’ ‘No, no, I have Donald Trump tattooed on my rear end.’”
To be clear—in case you couldn’t stomach watching the clip—Ted is ascribing these sentiments to others. He doesn’t really have a Trump tattoo on his ass. The only things tattooed on Ted’s ass are the words “Do Not Resuscitate” in approximately 7,000 languages and detailed instructions for washing Donald Trump’s car.
Seriously, this is the same dude who shrank like John Holmes in a cryotherapy chamber when confronted with Donald Trump’s towering moral authority and intellect, despite the latter’s repeated attacks on Ted’s family.
And, well, the assorted wags in Twitter-land noticed:
Luckily for Ted, most Republicans—and most people, for that matter—have the memories of Cancun tequila worms. But that doesn’t mean we can’t remind them of Cruz’s astounding sycophancy. And, well, everything else about him, too.
Sadly, Ted’s not up for reelection until 2024. Though, judging by this well-timed dig, it looks like he’s going to throw his oily chapeau in the presidential ring any day now.
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